Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Tired of Being Monotonous
I had one heck of a ride days after my last post.
For instance, I participated in a peaceful rally against poverty a day after "the Malacanang squatter" announced a State of Emergency, influential people (like my academic idol Randy David) got arrested for---what the hell---rebellion, classes were suspended (which made me miserable as our play was still undone; barely 12 days to doomsday---culminating activity) and my time was spent bumming, eating and bumming again for the whole day.
Yes, like I said, though against my parents will for I could have died if a bomb exploded in some part of the Quezon Memorial Circle (which should have been EDSA...argh) or if leftists and rightists ran amok, I joined a Gawad Kalinga rally.
And it had been a "ONE BIG LEAP OF FAITH" day for me as I waved my flag, joining hundreds of other nationalistic youth who are of the same ground as I am. Gawad Kalinga brought back the zest in my life; the excitement and optimism that had been crumbled by a nonsense struggle against my own pride and resentment.
To top it all off, I am back on track in YFC. I am trying to fend off temptations to alcoholism and instead of the "high" and "kick" of tequila, I indulge myself in the "high" and "kick" of worship.
Looking at what had been happening the past days gave me a realization about myself: I am in an absolute self-crisis; I switch identities too often that though I am utterly convinced I have found my way, deep inside I am still searching. But what's so great about the crisis is that in the quest for self-actualization I hang on to God to redeem me from past mistakes. I may not know what I really want for myself; all I know is my "me" is with God.
And what is really amazing about haveing God with me now is that blessings continue to pour. At the moment, the pain in my heart have reduced to forgiveness and relief. Whatever happened was an indelible lesson I shall mark my next relationships with. Also, though I ran late for PHC yesterday because of the STS report I failed to do because of the past week's disorientation, I was thankful I had been given another chance to reform my mistakes and irresponsibility. Plus, it made me realize that I must take time-budgeting more seriously if I want to continue serving in YFC. If South B Sector Head, Lasalle SC Pres. and Gawad Kalinga Leader Ate Noey Arcinue can be a dean's lister and do all her stuff with great enthusiasm, I can pull off the same act...all for Him. Lastly, in spite of all the doubts and fears, we were able to pull a victory from our play's preview last night. We went beyond the deadline of 20 minutes but I am thankful that it received good comments and moved my classmate to tears.
That play...is my offering to God. It took me weeks to finalize the script, months of doubt if it would click and if the actors were apt for the job YET only DAYS to complete. All I hope for now is that we can reduce the time and present it well. And now I saw how faith can indeed move mountains, I KNOW we shall present a play that would not only give us self-affirmation but also impart a message and somehow pull off miracles as the rest of our batch watches it.
Yep...I am tired of being monotonous. I am sick of the same old whines my subconscious say. I am tired of the same cycle of hurt, the same cycle of misleading directions and the same cycle of self-incrimination.
Bring the colors out!
7:44 AM
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I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
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