Tuesday, January 31, 2006
sentimental murder
There are still episodic moments of hurt. They still are there. I may have been happier because I unloaded unecessary emotional suitcases but the pain streaks still plague my days.
It's freaking hard to make it all go away. It feels like I'm back to square one, to the feeling of emptiness that betrayed my hopes four years ago, only that the case now is different.
It's funny how little things can change someone; how seemingly unimportant incidences, though unintentional, can break backbones.
Isn't it unfortunate how one vision can bring a thousand tears to revolt?
Isn't it sad how stares can crumble one to pieces?
How one beep and one question can ruin shaky grounds?
How two observations cause paranoia?
I had committed suicide last Wednesday. Tonight, I celebrate the success of the self-inflicted bloodshed. Then, the vultures rejoiced at my becoming; it feasted on the remains of my heart.
What I just can't understand is why it can't satisfy itself with my death; why it continues to dig deeper to devour my soul when it is the only thing I am holding to that I may live and see the day once more.
sa'yo...
Eu odeio-o. Ódio I freaking você agora. Pode você justo parar de emitir-me mensagens? Pode você parar de olhar fixamente em mim? Que querem? Você necessita ver-me com minha miséria? Você necessita observar se eu estiver indo sempre gritar se eu o vir dois? Eu não sinto nenhum amor para você anymore mas o mero hatred. Eu odeio-o. Eu quero-o desaparecer de minha vista. Para retornar nunca para trás em minha vida. Nunca outra vez. Afogue-se em seu insensitivity! Você certo sabe torturar-me mais.
11:17 PM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
Friday, January 27, 2006
Redemption
This week commenced the dawn of who I am. I had undergone a lot of pretensions, succumbed to lies, lies and more lies. The past year, I lived in nothing but sheer emptiness; my smiles successful in concealing the darkness that slowly grew inside.
I made myself up. I'd like to believe it true. I am the ever versatile chameleon in doubt. Suppression made a hell out of my life and I hated the truth. I kept everything in an attempt to fix my life, to run away. I ignored the call of reform. I was scorned. I was in heavy denial. I was distressingly hypocritical of the girl I see in reflective objects.
Maybe I am Sybil. I live in multiplicity. I do not stick to one self-definition. I think it started when religion came to conflict with my desires. No, I do not blame God. In fact, inspite of this dark life I lead, He still lights my path. I shall revere Him forever.
I shifted from one personality to the next, confusing myself in the process. Perhaps it was because of the damn social approval. I hate being labeled and I hate it the most if people judge me. I am too sensitive to that and drowning in the social perceptions was the biggest mistake I ever made.
This is actually who I am, really. In truth, I live in darkness. I am not depressed, no fucking way. I am not anti-religion, not even close to being a blasphemous person. I am now embracing a life I think I was born with. I can't escape the heed of destiny, though I never believed in it. One thing remains, however: I am still incomprehensible and ironic as ever.
Oh yes, in case you don't get it, let's make the idea literal: I am in an image revolution. No, I am not a poser. I am embracing a newfound life.
~*~
In parallel with the newness, I was able to do something unthinkable this week. I am in no liberty to tell all because it was the most disgusting, the most shameful thing I ever did in my entire life. I want to puke at the very thought I had done that impossibility under the influence of alcohol. I want to escape from that damned day.
So this is how it feels, huh? I thought by doing such I was risking a lifetime of regret; turned out it was a chance for change. I am happier. Really. I still cannot deny there are episodic moments of hurt when I am reminded of the past but the satisfaction of redemption from all the chains of deception was more evident. I had released the thorn that choked me to near death for more than a year. I was lifted up to oblivion.
In the days to come, my life will be smoother. I know that if I come face to face with them, I won't be the epitome of the scorned. Things will absolutely change. It would be thought of as bitter if I'll offer the genuinity of smile or the wave of my hand, wink of my eye even that is why I shall stick to the safest way to face the dilemma: blankness. It'll become a stranger's greeting to another stranger, in the most normal way possible. It is valid, anyway. It is of no excuse.
I am learning to walk again, day by day. I am constantly freeing myself from the crutches. I believe with how I am dealing with this, moving on will be easier. It will be easier because I threw the excess baggage I held on to for a year. My ship shall now remain afloat amidst the storms.
~*~
To the people who had helped me save myself from the ashes of self-incrimination, I thank thee for the valuable times. In alcohol or in normalcy, thank you.
Thank you Ayeen for sharing the culture with me. Thank you for showing me the exact life I am more adaptable to.
Thank you God for the miracles that unfolded. I am stronger because of You. All along I had doubted why you allowed me to play this part in the seemingly destructible play of love. Now I know the meaning to hurt and the meaning of regret. I am wiser now, I have realized the importance of discernment. I shall be forever in Your name.
Thanks to you, if you will ever come across this entry, which I think you won't actually. It ended rather nice. Now it's really all in memory. I wish you all the good times.
12:32 PM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
Saturday, January 14, 2006
And the cycle goes on...
7 times this week and I let it pass.
I need lessons on how to shut down pride momentarily that this stupidity will finally see an end.
I hate to be part of an unending cycle of silence.
And I don't want to begin another cycle of hurt.
12:02 AM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
Monday, January 09, 2006
The cliche feeling I abhor...
It's late, my head aches like hell but I felt the need to update. I am due to wake up at 3:30 am to wake other people up and i'm still up since I had to clean up my room which i failed to clean up during the lazy Christmas vacation. What the hell.
My kikay kit is back with me. I made such a stupid drama last post and I'm not sure if I was sensible when I wrote that or if I simply needed frequent trips to the psych for ruling out of multiple personalities.
~*~
I went bloghopping for a while and I came across Nash's latest entry, which reminded me of the same stinking feeling when I see him pass me by.
I really want to find out when and where I felt that my sanity was crashing down, when and where I felt that his eyes were alarm zone because I'm afraid he'd know what I feel if our irises meet.
I want to confront the big WHY, the big question mark that will make me succumb to acceptance. I want the WHY to remain because I can't accept I got trapped in a warp I do not like, chained to a feeling for a person who isn't even near to prince charming.
Yes, the perfectionist in me strikes again and no one can blame me if I can't help but scrutinize why he isn't someone ideal. Each has the yearning for the ideal and it's hypocrisy to say one has not become prejudiced for even once during his lifetime when it comes to this matters.
Blah, I'm not sure when this thing will end. All I know is that once cowardice gets by the third attempt, I'm gonna lose my head thinking of endless "what if's."
I hate the feeling. I just want it to end. I want Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to become reality that I can manipulate my memory and create everything anew.
I'm still broken and I'm still hiding in lies.
I'm still not me.
11:55 PM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
Saturday, January 07, 2006
A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Lost Kikay Kit
When Mae, lost her kikay kit, I really didn't feel her anguish at its loss, probably because it never, in the first place, happened to me.
But now that I lost mine, i felt as if I have lost my best friend.
I woke up this morning, happy as I would flaunt my new look; it's the school's wash day and I can give the stinkin' uniform a rest. For today I wore the pumps I bought last Christmas; my clothes can never define my music anyway. Hell, I care if people think I'm a poser when I'm not.
I got compliments of course and I felt pretty today. I convinced myself I really am not unfortunate looking. To hell with those conceptions about beauty; I may not be as ravishing as other people but I have my shining moments. :D
And so back to the kikay kit. The kikat kit, as I have learned, is indeed a girl's best friend. Within my purple kit, I've got all the essentials to make myself up; I feel bare without a powder and gloss on. People, especially the male population (as evidenced by my brother's thinking that I looked silly being depressed over a kit of vanity and nothing but vanity), may find it stupid how some girls consider their kits as a treasure trove and a necessity and to hell with those who do think it's not an object of great importance!
The kikay kit is the symbol of femininity; it shows how girls can kick ass. Guys, like my silly brother, can't seem to understand why we need to be made up all the time because they don't get to play fish...they do the fishing. And who would want a fish that isn't fresh? (dang i hate the analogy)
Point is, we girls, may not know it but Mr. right may be lurking in the corner. It'd be drastic to look stressed and in Filipino losyang at sabog!
The kit is also my investment. For my profession, it is a must to be made up in front of the patients. The loss of my kit equates to the loss of money spent on products that may vanish from the counters next season. Take my NYC Plum Rhum lippie, for example...it's just so hard to find the perfect lippie and then it'll just go poof because of negligence.
Argh.
And my Mac Jelly Bean! Auntie Letty gave that to me for Christmas and I get a lot of compliments when I use that and... and... argh.
My kikay kit is one of the most special things I own. It witnessed my transformation from a negligent simpleton who never bothers how she looks to someone who values now what people perceive of her. I won't be hypocritical for I'm sure a lot value other people's perception. If other's comments were not valuable, cosmetic surgery would not have prospered in this day and age.
My kit also witnessed my anguish. For what, I hate to speak of. Bottomline is, the kit became my consolation when I felt unloved; it gave me the conviction and the face of hope...it's not my loss but his.
I actually cannot sum up the sentimental value of that kit to me. I lost my purple dragonfly earrings---the gift by my cousin who I seldom talk to nowadays 'cept when we visit them during special occasions---, I lost my eyeliner---the one that hid my eyes after good doses of crying sessions---, I lost my glosses---the things that lifted up my self esteem when I needed to free myself of the building anxiety---... I've lost a part of myself.
It wasn't really the issue of vanity; it was the issue of value. The things I had lost can actually be replaced but the memories that went along with it were irreplaceable. It is easy to register a memory in long term but once the reminders are not present, one can only have less chances of going back and relishing it.
Tomorrow, I shall have another batch of stuff to fill my new kikay kit. A new one, a fresh start, another bag to build up memories. Just like my life, I think God's purpose was to show me what really matters, things I really need, stuff I need to remember to affirm the genuinity of the life He gave.
I know I must be like the lilies of the field of Solomon--not wary of what they look like but...I'm still a girl. I'd like to affirm myself once in a while...with a reminder never to overdo.
For now I'm bothered by what I'd purchase the next day. Silly, yes but still I am puzzled: peach or brown? Shimmery or Normal?
The list goes ever on.
8:12 PM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Room for Pessimism
When I was a kid, Christmases and New Years were always an occasion of joy. There were family gatherings, pyrotechnics displays, bright lights; the two were events worth wasting sleep over.
But now that I'm all grown up, I think I have joined those adults who see a hat instead of an elephant, as written in Exupery's The Little Prince. Maybe I have adapted the fast paced complexities of today's adults and forgot what it was to be carefree; things now to me must be in order, time must be well managed, spent and scheduled and data must be presented with corresponding evidences to prove true.
~*~
Last night, as I came home from a mass that was awfully scheduled (which occurred at roughly 8 instead of the traditional 10 wherein a lot of people, my family included, failed to attend on time), I was excited to put on my mask and go out to watch the fireworks blaze across the sky. I impatiently waited for the series of crackles and upon start of the display, a wide smile spread across my face, feeling like a kid easily entertained by the wide array of colors.
I watched the crackers pirouette and crash against the sky, the families all gathered out in a festive mood. Yet something was terribly wrong with the picture and I wasn't sure if it was pessimism once more or the truth that hid itself beneath the explosion of colors.
~*~
Filipinos are generally known as a happy people and this year's celebration of the New Year is proof enough of the masks a lot wear. Actually, it's not only this year but the past years as well; the leak in the dam was just too evident this year to miss.
A few minutes into the festivities, I went back in with a sinking feeling of remorse. A friend said, when a sudden sadness occupies a female, the phenomenon was hormonal; yep, it was probably hormonal but the stupid feeling ensued until this morning.
After everything, what is next? Will there be a change in the state of lives of most Filipinos? After the fireworks and the smiles, will there even be a difference? Will there be more goodluck? Will money enter and bad luck go away, after everything?
Will I really have a good new year when just this morning I feel bitched by my own bloodline (yeah...what a great year I'd have, I can't wait to move out in a few years)? Will I regain back scarred acquaintances, as promised (four days more to go until my heart goes back to square one of crashing and burning)? Will I have a good deal of luck instead of miserable failures?
Will I continue this pessimism until January 1, 2007?
~*~
Really, I don't know what this post is all about. My emotions to date are all mixed up: anger, hatred, remorse, disdain, hopelessness, name a negative emotion, I think I've got it.
Or maybe this is just the effect of reading Kahlil Gibran?
Whatever it is, The Ataris actually sang my heart's content too well: "Being grown up, isn't half as fun as growing up."
Please bring me back to who I ought to be.
2:29 PM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
