Sunday, June 18, 2006

Me and my Country

Ever since Gawad Kalinga came to my life, I learned how to appreciate and love who i am and where I grew up in.

Being a vigilant civilian, I always make it a point to be update with the ongoings in the polical arena. Call it a habit but I always make it a point, dead tired or busy, to always browse the daily paper. Sometimes if I do not get to read it daily, I accumulate them all and read it during the weekend.

Growing up knowing what happens from the world of the Malacanang to showbizness, I had seen how distorted some people work. Due to my daily readings of opinion pages, I became an anti-believer of Filipinism.

And so probably one of my underlying motives why I agreed to continue nursing was because of my growing passivity to my motherland. I reasoned out, what the hell will I get in return for serving a country with corruption at its very core? It was disconcerting to see people on the streets while some Presidents and officials hold a cabinet party. I hated the situation.

Then came GK 3 years ago. The build I had attended lat 12th of june taught me that building my nation needed sacrifice. Though I hated the scorch of the noon sun, I braved it knowing the hollow blocks and sand I was passing play a big part to changing homes and lives.

Yesterday, when I attended the congress, I cried once again because it was such a overwhelming feeling to see that GK indeed builds a lot of lives. I witnessed how many foreigners came to the country just to serve as a witness how the Filipino hopefully stands up to the challenges of poverty.

As the congress ended, I vowed to myself that I will exhaust all my talents for GK. If ever I do leave the country, I will work, come back and build a GK home. Who knows, I can even open another GK village!

GK is starting to spread the fire to the rest of the world and seeing how huge change it has caused makes me proud to be Filipino.

----

I know already how to inject people. Wahaha. I also am enjoying the start of 3rd year. Tomorrow, I will handle babies. I thank God my prayers were answered. I have no sat. classes and I have what seemed to be a good rle group. I am still with Josh and Mae and though I like majority of my classmates, there still are people who I will work with who I am afraid to be friends with. I hate to be judgemental. Let's see how they'll fare during this week. hehe.

Oh...and the two of the top students are in my class. I know I must not be pressured. I trust God. :)

MY UBER NICE SKED:

1st rotation:Makati Medical Center Nursery(6am-2pm)
2nd rotation:DR-Ospital ng Makati(mon-tues:2pm-10pm;wed:2pm-6pm)
3rd rotation:Comembo Lying-in(6am-2pm)
4th rotation:5th floor-Makati Med(6am-2pm)
*approximately 4 weeks per rotation

Mon-Wed: RLE (duty)
Thursday: 8-11 Nursing 201
1-3 Nursing 201
3-5 Psychopathophysiology
Friday: 8-11 N-201
1-3 N-201
3-5 Psychopathophysio
5-8 Strategies of Health Education

Yahoo!

9:31 PM

-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Springs...

There are times I just remember and the feeling twists entirety to one single memory.

Argh. I hate it. I hate it. I freaking hate it.

I wish I could answer why but I guess it will simply be reduced to a "." forever.

I HATE IT.

10:26 PM

-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----

Friday, June 09, 2006

An Elephant not a Hat

I actually promised in the earlier post that I'd provide
a write-up about the summer outing but I got too
lazy to recall all the exciting events that happened that
day. For a blow-by-blow account of what really happened,
go to nashee's blog.

The summer outing I had with my YFC-SB2 cluster was actually the most memorable and
most thrilling YFC event I had ever since I was part of the community.
Well the ILC, Sector Assemblies, Youth Camps and other conferences
each contributed to the huge chunk of my spirituality but THE summer outing
made me realize that there are really people who I can consider family and
that serving the Lord wasn't all hand-raising and prayer.

It was during the outing when:

1. I was able to talk and bond with people I normally do not share
intimate and secret stuff with
2. I was able to stretch my vocal chords, singing YFC songs that are
too high for comfort
3. I was able to strip off my insecurities of wading in mud and dirt
after years of not being a Girl Scout
4. I was able to thank God I followed my instincts and brought a sturdy
umbrella :)
5. I was able to rapell from a high place without shaking knees!
6. I was able to reflect a lot during Saturday night
7. though I did bring an umbrella, I left 2 essentials: a jacket and a part of my swim suit
8. I walked 5 km combined for the whole outing
9. I was not THAT KJ. Haha.
10.I was able to enjoy the cool waters of Daranak Falls. Wee.
11.I was able to swim without sunblock and did not get TOO dark.
12.I was able to join most of the picture taking sessions.

But what really struck me during the outing was my Daranak Falls experience.
Though I did wade in the water during the later part, it took Khacey and I
a long discussion before we gave up all our previous knowledge of the
lurking dangers of the unclear waters of the public spectacle:

Khacey: Lee-an, ilang cocci and bacilli kaya yung nandyan, no?
Me: Naman, public place eh natural marami. Eh sa tingin mo may
Trichomonas Vaginalis?
Khacey: Malamang! Eh Ascaris Lumbricoides kaya?
Me: Eh diba mode of transmission nun ingestion of infected feces?
Khacey: Hellow, malay mo pumasok yan sa mga openings ng katawan.
Me: Uy wala namang ganyanan paa ko pa lang naman yung nakalublob sa tubig eh.
Khacey: Naman yang microbio na yan. Tingnan mo...ang saya-saya kaya nila dun sa falls. Punta tayo!
Me: Kaw na rin nagsabi na maraming organisms dyan. Basta ako dito lang ako sa bato. Ayoko mangati.
Khacey: Sige panuorin na lang natin sila.

*after 5 minutes

Khacey: Alam mo lee-an, pag lumusong ka, lulusong din ako.
Me: Sige na...have fun. Ayoko talaga eh.
Khacey: Diba may gamot naman?
Me: Sa bagay, pwede naman tayong mag-tetracycline...

And so, I complicated things again.

Actually, that Daranak falls experience made me realize that inspite of
my being childish, I still needed a child-like mind as what was
relayed in The Little Prince. It made me realize that knowing too much
lessened the zest of life; too much knowledge can impair one's ability to
actually enjoy life's simplicities.

How I wish I can reduce my nursing experience to what is really essential and not
to what I superficially see. Often times I feel like giving up in the middle of
a hard task such as doing the nursing process in a case study or even memorizing
disease conditions, its signs and symptoms, drugs used, health education strategies
and even seemingly no-brainer concepts such as communication techniques in nursing because I do not see the point in doing so if all my efforts are directed basically just to care.
Actually, the answer to all my whines lie in nursing's basic definition: it is the art and science of care; the obvious is within reach yet inspite of that, I still fail to see that my course is actually a carbon-copy of what Jesus did for humanity.

This is why I really look forward to next week when I will finally experience my clinical duties. Maybe by that I can no longer see what the picture seems to me by following its superficial form but by looking underneath the totality. Like The Little Prince, I hope I can reach the point where I simplify and not complicate; that I can see that the picture is really an elephant hidden underneath a cloth and not a hat.

In addition, simplifying things can also enable one to count the blessings God has given and not count what blessings in excess other people have compared to yours.

These valuable lessons all rooted from that seemingly unproductive summer outing when all I expected was that God wouldn't touch me by means of occurrences not normally lesson-producing. Maybe this is also the reason I chose not to relay each detail of the outing; my personal witnessing is a more valuable entry.

To add to my plans, I will try to take life lightly and see the simple joys of everyday. Probably, when I INDEED pursue this, I can say goodbye to all the migraines that I usually blame to stressors like school when in fact if I analyze things in thorough, it was after all...

self-induced. :p

---------

Tomorrow, to Gawad Kalinga I go. This time, I hope I won't cry. I don't know, it's just that every GK event...
I always cry in the end. Weird.

---------

I just received the news there will be resectioning. ARGH. New people, new faces=new adjustment; consequently, possible migraine-inducers. Ahh! Why? How about my plans for the Grand Case? My Impressive Thesis Proposal? How can I work with people who will take time to know how O.C, how weird, how crazy I am in the middle of a big time school work? How can I explain again that I HATE PEOPLE RUINING MY SCHEDULE?

Or maybe I am just fretting again.

As usual.

1:52 PM

-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

So many plans, so little time.

I never realized I was missing on a lot of things until yesterday.

When I was in high school, I was a book freak. I indulged myself in fictional books, classics and poetry. Each week, inspite of the hoards of lessons to be studied atop my bedroom table, I still found time to finish a 500-page novel. Back then, I read titles from Coelho to Ludlum to Shakespeare, Austen, Poe, Marquez, Rowling and Eyre.

Well that was years ago and I miss my old self.

Sometimes that aching feeling of regret passes by each time I see a new title in Powerbooks. So many titles, so little time. I remembered years ago my plan of collecting award-winning novels and biographies that I may make my own library at home someday.

Whenever I would flip the channel to Starworld and Oprah's on, I get miserable when she shows new titles with her book club stamped; the same feeling of misery washes over me when I go to nobelprize.org and read the news about the newest addition to the roster of literary geniuses.

Hay.

And so since I refuse to be taken over by the wrath of Nursing, I am planning to relive my old desires. I will manage my time well between my course, my service and my books. To hell with television and movies!

Except for CSI NY and CSI and My Girl and Grey's Anatomy and One Tree Hill, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and Project Runway. Whew. haha. Oh and I can get my doses of movies from Videocity during sembreak. Wehe. Or if I have to de-stress. Or if. If.IF!

I browsed Bibliarch and Powerbooks yesterday and a while ago for titles I'll collect and read this year:

1. Haruki Murakami books
2. Veronika Decides to Die, By the River Piedra, The Alchemist, The Fifth Mountain, The Devil and Miss Prym and The Zahir by Coelho
3. The complete Narnia collection by Clive Lewis (It's only 819 at Bibliarch-Waltermart!)
4. The Life of Pi
5. The Bio of Pope John Paul II
6. The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera
7. God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy
8. The Dew Breaker by Edwidge Danticat
9. Of Love and Other Demons, 100 Years of Solitude and Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia-Marquez
10. The poetry collection of Pablo Neruda
11. Bram Stroker's Dracula
12. Gaston Leroux's Phantom of the Opera

There are still lots I want to collect. I figured it out I'm going to cut my expenses on clothing and buy more books. :) I'll buy around 2 books per month and will still be able to save up for the ILC in Bohol and more for my savings. I may even use some of my savings for books. Haha.

Of course this plan includes my aim for an adequate amount of sleep, 1.75-1.00's in my card each term for this year, an impressive Grand Case later this year and another yet impressive thesis proposal.

So help me God.

-----

My entry for the summer outing will be done tonight. Wee.

----

But for the mean time, I'd like to express my elation to the whole world...

I AM STILL IN THE DEAN'S LIST; AT NUMBER 10 OVER-ALL!
This for the choice of serving God without anxiety. I want to scream!

12:51 PM

-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----

Friday, June 02, 2006

Just.plain.happy.

I cannot begin where my elation starts and how immense the feeling is. A lot has happened since the day of my last post and I do not know where to begin with. I have a lot of things to say, so many instances that I'd like to tell; so many realized dreams to share, so little space.

But I'd begin with proclaiming to the whole world that I have just gone out from being submerged in River Jordan for so long. I have a lot of past claims of being renewed but what happened this summer just may be the renewal of all renewals.

I finally took a step higher in leadership; I am currently YFC Sb2's cluster head. Initially, I declined the invitation to lead. I thought of third year and the cases that will make me crazier than ever; I thought of the difficulty in leading a young flock, I just might not make my cluster as vibrant as before; I thought of what my grades will be, what my schedule will be, how erratic my heartbeat will go because of an additional stress.

I thought of stepping up as a dagger to the heart. In short, I was highly doubtful.

Yet no matter how I tried to evade God's call, He pulled me in once again. In the end, I accepted the road to insanity.

I joined SHOUT, a 7-day in-house training for cluster leaders of the sector. Inspite of my busy schedule, I was able to fit it in. In the morning, I went to school and at night I come home to shout.

That week proved to be the most challenging week in my life. I cried almost everyday because I felt different: I was not achieving the same things I was achieving before. It seemed that right after I accepted His call, things just turned out for the worst especially in my studies.

Before summer, I vowed to myself I will regain the spot I had before; I was 4th over-all until I slid down to 18th. Since part of my ILC experience was the promise to be active in my service to God, I knew I had to read ahead to compensate for the meetings during the summer. I studied ahead and my first week was a testament to my hardwork. I aced all quizzes and I was performing excellently until I finally said "yes" to God.

After that, everything spiralled down. I was attending too many meetings, I was getting to stressed, I was getting low grades compared to my first week of performance. If my teachers would make a graph of my work, it would be a regressing line graph.

I called out to God for help and messages about trust and faith came in during my whole week at shout. I was still unsure before the Lord's day but I had an inkling of what he really wanted me to do. It was actually a leap of faith: God was asking me to give my all. Part of that all was the thing I held on to dearly, the driving force that controlled my award-centered life: ambition.

When I was a kid, I had huge dreams. I dreamt of owning a big company and perhaps become an accountant since I was so good at math. Then again, I loved science too, prompting me to consider medicine. I also dreamt of being a lawyer after seeing how a glamorous job it was. Towards the end of my high school, dreams of having the "attorney" title stuck to my name overpowered my being. I was to make my destiny.

Little did I knew God had another plan.

My ambition partly crumbled when I took up nursing. I hated it for the fact nursing wasn't glamorous at all. I will have no title before my name and all I will be recognized for are the dollars I will make.

I got a little ambitious again when I read a book about forensic nursing. It was a cool job, I thought since I found examining crime scenes cool. I also had another plan in mind: I would be a clinical instructor; that way I can avoid bedside care and simply earn money by yakking what I know about the subject. I also thought that to prepare for that I will try my best to enter John Hopkins in the hopes of adding that to my life's gratification list.

I had lots of dreams...lots of ambitions and towards the end of shout, He was making me give it up.

In the end, however, I gave the last thing I was holding on to to God. The process of conditioning myself that grades were no longer that important to me was a struggle. I had to condition myself to think positive and think that I was so blessed I was still in the dean's list inspite of my constant absence at home to acquaint myself with the fast-paced lessons.

Then youth camp came. I thought having shout ended the doubts and fears. I didn't realize the rough road started actually from the day I gave my all.

Spiritual warfares surrounded the whole camp. Things were turning out wrong especially after the miraculous tongues workshop. During what was supposed to be the most solemn and important event of the camp turned out a nightmare for me. After the tongues, after I collapsed in the middle of the workshop for some odd reason that made me all weak, I was waging a battle within. Doubts overflowed as I felt numb and helpless. I knew the Spirit worked in me since He whispered that I must simply rest in God and lay down my weaknesses but the forces of evil was too strong I was reduced to tears, asking God to help me...to save me from condemning myself.

I had an appointment with God alone in the chapel during the 2nd night. While everybody was enjoying in the hall, I went to meet God alone. I braved the dark, shrugging off the familiar bad feeling that occurs when something lurks around. I talked to God, laid down my doubts and weaknesses, humbled myself before my God who strengthened me. My prayers seemed unanswered that night especially during worship. I never realized God was simply preparing us for a feast the next day.

The next day, I realized everything. The camp was a lot like the passion, death and resurrection of Christ. The first two days were full of agony but the last day was triumphant. What struck me during the last day was the sight of potential leaders for God. I thought, so this was the reason why Satan bugged us to doubt and fear: he was too chicken he made us believe the new members cannot be conquered. Too bad he overlooked how immense God's power was.

And so as I type this entry, I am too elated, I am too blessed. Tomorrow, my cluster will have an outing to enjoy each other's company. There are still existing problems but I know nothing will harm us because we are all saved after all. And I need not worry because I have great friends who are so good in leading I am assured all is well. When I thought I was raging the battle for God alone, I realized I wasn't. He actually gave me a team that was so dependable that I knew all I need to do was to guide them.

I am just so thankful to God all is well in my life right now. There are stil dents for I know the road to serving God will be like carrying a cross to calvary. I am just so happy God never left my side. I found a new family in my cluster and another great family in the sector.

Now, I knew I had to trust my life to God for good. There are no more long-term dreams that will benefit my ego now. One dream will, however, remain: that I will eventually see His face for nothing else matters to me now but my God and his flock.

11:51 PM

-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----