Sunday, March 26, 2006
Nonchalance
I got my very first 2.0. Great.
But honestly, I really didn't feel disappointed. I slacked too much after the midterms, especially in Primary Health Care 2. I never liked COPAR after all; part of my dreams of being able to enter into community nursing suddenly vanished into thin air because of my sudden and grave dislike for the whole topic.
I simply didn't find the logic in fitting one whole catch of fish into one can; in simplified terms, I don't find the strategy of learning COPAR---the whole sh*t---in three to four weeks, 2 hours per subject, worth my money and time.
Blah. And they talk of quality education.
Reading the book itself was a mess and expecting to learn from the discussion, expecting to supplement the difficulty of understanding the book, went in vain.
And so after the test, which so happened to be the first I took for the week, I didn't care much for the succeeding tests. The dream of getting back on track crashed all of a sudden. I wasn't alone, however, in the mental drainage; a lot found the results crap, too.
So this is how failure tastes like in college, eh? After dreaming since childhood to ace everything and never get a 2.0...
It was a nice ride, though. For the first time in my life, too, I never felt bad in the midst of failure. Its fangs didn't make me bleed too much, thank heavens. The action will start this summer and the years to come; I just await the hardcore science courses, the courses I dreamt of learning before when I was nudge shy of a medical dream instead of law and order, to strut my stuff.
I am just learning how falling translates to oblivion.
I sound so much like a masochistic freak.
----------
Thanks to CSI, I learned a new life lesson for keeps:
"Ambition is the last resort of failure."
-Oscar Wilde
-------
I am dying to exchange my dollars to pesos as I am too broke to survive the two weeks before classes but my conscience dictates me to keep it longer and wait for it to grow before using it.
Mind over heart. Mind over heart. I am going nuts with the lack of a peach blush.
2:21 PM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
Friday, March 24, 2006
An Elegy for One of the Greatest Persons I've Ever Known
The night before I learned that Lolo King had already passed away, I saw two figures covered in black cloth hovering the garden twice. I thought it was just the same old appearances of the supernatural; I didn't realize until last night that it was a goodbye.
Last night, in spite of my busy schedule, I was able to attend Lolo King's 40 days mass ceremony and family get together in Auntie Leah's house in Las Pinas. When I reached the place, I felt a certain mood of melancholy unlike that one ordinary day my dad broke out the news that jolly, old, Lolo King, the uncle-lolo who used to hug me tight and kiss my forehead, was gone.
When I saw the picture of Lolo King above his urn, memories of my childhood came returning. I recalled for a moment those times jolly, old, Lolo King would play with us, kids, and gather us 'round for another session of his jokes. His laughter was infectious; the kind that would make you laugh during your solitary moments upon remembrance. He tirelessly told stories of all kind and sometimes would even grab you to dance as he hummed the tune.
Whenever Lolo King would visit from the States, he would always tell me, "Lee-an! Ang laki-laki mo na! Kelan lang na ang daldal-daldal mo, english speaking pa," --that after a big, tight hug and a huge smile. He would then proceed with his usual jokes and stories after getting my hair dishiveled time and time again whenever he would put his hand on my head.
He was an epitome of youth. During the times he spent here in Manila with us, he mostly gathered with me and my cousins. This was probably the reason why most of us felt his loss when we learned of the news. Years suddenly felt too short when we shared stories of Lolo King last night, as if his visits were like yesterday.
Now, there would be no more Lolo King to tell stories to. It had been a long time since he last hugged me; his illness confined him too long in the States. I actually wonder now what his line would have been if he had seen how teenage years brought me; what his line would have been if he saw my new haircut, my white teeth void of braces. I also wonder what his reaction would be if I told him I am having a change of heart towards law and opted to take nursing and forensics instead.
Though I am not part of his immediate family, (we're the next degree), Lolo King holds a special place in my heart. I realized that he actually taught me how it was to smile, how to be a youth at heart, how to never frown because "lalo daw ako papango at tatanda."
I will surely miss him. I will sorely miss my inspiring, jolly, youthful Lolo King.
Like what my cousin, Father Ian said, he will surely be alive in our hearts. I'm sure God has prepared a special party for his entrance to heaven because Lolo King, during his lifetime, became like a little child, in accordance to the teachings of God.
The black cloth I saw was also the black cloth that appeared simultaneously in Cavite where Mama Tita lives. I figured it out that it really wasn't a goodbye apparition for me...
it was the last of Lolo King's antics: his final joke, his final act.
8:06 AM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
Friday, March 17, 2006
Recurrence
I no longer wish to speak. With the words at the tip of my tongue, with the deadly keys before me, all I would like to do is resist the overflow of emotions which, in the end, would kill no one...
but me.
Let these be enough:
Reverie-Lacuna Coil
I have you in my dreams at night
you were holding my hands
then I awake and you're not mine
now it's time to rise
I want to turn cold ice in my soul
got to freeze this yearning inside
When you're inflicted by
the passion of love
desire and yearning the
deeper they burn
you were...
now it's too late
you were...
Now you're gone
It's too late
I was wrong
It's my fate
"I think of you and I see me
I'm the one I thought I've never be
I feel dirty - no purity
desire and yearning in you heart
no mercy for you no mercy for me."
-------
...this i can't f***ing get out of my head:
Nobela-Join the Club
Ngumiti kahit na napipilitan kahit pa sinasadya,
mo akong masaktan
Paminsan-minsan bawat sandali na lang
Tulad mo ba akong nahihirapan
lalo't naiisip ka
Hindi ko kaya pa na kalimutan
bawat sandali na lang
At aalis, magbabalik at uulitin sabihin
na mahalin ka't sambiting
Kahit muling masaktan
sa pag-alis ako'y magbabalik at sana naman...
Sa isang marikit na alaala'y pangitaing kayganda
Sana nga'y pagbigyan na ng tadhana, bawat sandali na lang...
Sumabay sa biglang pagkabahala't
lumabis ang pagtataka
Tunay na pagsintang 'di alintana
bawat sandali na lang...
12:05 AM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Off to meet the dawn
I'm having a major make-over by Friday and I can't wait.
I'm having my braces off after 5 long freaking years of agonizing with metal, sores, bleeding gums and lips and elastics that make me look like I've got bubblegum stuck in my teeth. What I am anticipating with this development is that I can finally eat corn. Waha. Goodbye to the days my classmates make themselves subjects of my envy due to their capability of munching through my childhood favorite. I may have retainers after yet at least the suffering has ceased to ring the bell of maximum tolerance.
That's not all. I am now going to entrust my hair to the shears of a professional hairdresser. After months of keeping long, permed, dry hair, I shall have it cut to shoulder length...with probably...bangs to cover my forehead. Argh, I hope with that the "Matet de Leon" teasings would go away. I am thinking of a digital perm to go with it but decided that that'd have to wait. I've got to raise money for my April 7-9 Davao escapade.
Speaking of Davao, my parents allowed me to go. Yeehaw. I am friggin' excited. I shall get to meet God through thousands of exhuberant people. I shall go to ILC-Davao!!! Yet what saddens me is that I can't go to Alex's overnight because for sure my parents won't allow; it's a day before my flight. I would really, really want to go since the whole RLE gang will be there and I'm sure it would be hell lot of fun but God and my chapter needs me more.
Oh and yes, about the play, we got a 100 like everyone else. I frankly thought it was unfair since some of the groups exceeded the 20-minute time limit. My group actually cut down our play against our will since it covered a total of 26 minutes. The whole play should have been nicer without the "Don't Cha" cut and "Take me Out of the Dark" cut. Still, inspite of everything, I am thankful we all together went through everything. After all, we did our best and what's more important was we served as emissaries of God through our play's message. All the hard work was for Him anyway.
---
As the days pass by I am getting better. I am slowly walking towards the morning light. Thanks to God, I found peace. I am off to meet the dawn. I am off to a new start. The past incidences had been too nightmarish yet it taught me valuable lessons. It taught me to acknowledge imperfections; to not ask for anything more if reality hits you in the face. It taught me how to maturely face problems; that alcohol isn't a way to fix things up for it messes up your momentum. It taught me that God INDEED has a plan for everything to fall into the right place; He indeed is preparing my whole canvass before painting the exciting part of love. It taught me that though God chose to subject me to very painful experiences and allowed me to succumb to situations that misled me, He actually did it to make me stronger.
Now my faith is as strong as before. And though I am not good at the EQ department, not good enough that I am contented to live the single life, God still chose me and whispered these words:
"Lee-an, pwede bang ako na lang muna?"
----
I have this huge, painful thing on my chin that if left untreated would develop to a pimple. Argh. It's too painful and it's too....big. Good thing it's barely noticeable. Argh.
11:08 PM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Sick
I am sick at the moment. Went home at 10 last night and raced to the nearby chapel to attend the CFC assembly. Already amassed a total of 8,000 for the ILC sponsorship. This means, I am indeed going to Davao. Oh yeah.
Going back, before, during and after the play, I had several anxiety attacks. Vomitted almost each food my mouth received; I was even suspected a bulimic.
Today, few hours away from Health Eco class, I am still at home with a runny nose, an itchy throat, a throbbing head and a fever.
About the play and the events thereafter, that shall be tailored for another post. For now, I want to drown in the ugliness of this post before rushing to the CR to prep up and before going to another hell day at school.
7:26 AM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Tired of Being Monotonous
I had one heck of a ride days after my last post.
For instance, I participated in a peaceful rally against poverty a day after "the Malacanang squatter" announced a State of Emergency, influential people (like my academic idol Randy David) got arrested for---what the hell---rebellion, classes were suspended (which made me miserable as our play was still undone; barely 12 days to doomsday---culminating activity) and my time was spent bumming, eating and bumming again for the whole day.
Yes, like I said, though against my parents will for I could have died if a bomb exploded in some part of the Quezon Memorial Circle (which should have been EDSA...argh) or if leftists and rightists ran amok, I joined a Gawad Kalinga rally.
And it had been a "ONE BIG LEAP OF FAITH" day for me as I waved my flag, joining hundreds of other nationalistic youth who are of the same ground as I am. Gawad Kalinga brought back the zest in my life; the excitement and optimism that had been crumbled by a nonsense struggle against my own pride and resentment.
To top it all off, I am back on track in YFC. I am trying to fend off temptations to alcoholism and instead of the "high" and "kick" of tequila, I indulge myself in the "high" and "kick" of worship.
Looking at what had been happening the past days gave me a realization about myself: I am in an absolute self-crisis; I switch identities too often that though I am utterly convinced I have found my way, deep inside I am still searching. But what's so great about the crisis is that in the quest for self-actualization I hang on to God to redeem me from past mistakes. I may not know what I really want for myself; all I know is my "me" is with God.
And what is really amazing about haveing God with me now is that blessings continue to pour. At the moment, the pain in my heart have reduced to forgiveness and relief. Whatever happened was an indelible lesson I shall mark my next relationships with. Also, though I ran late for PHC yesterday because of the STS report I failed to do because of the past week's disorientation, I was thankful I had been given another chance to reform my mistakes and irresponsibility. Plus, it made me realize that I must take time-budgeting more seriously if I want to continue serving in YFC. If South B Sector Head, Lasalle SC Pres. and Gawad Kalinga Leader Ate Noey Arcinue can be a dean's lister and do all her stuff with great enthusiasm, I can pull off the same act...all for Him. Lastly, in spite of all the doubts and fears, we were able to pull a victory from our play's preview last night. We went beyond the deadline of 20 minutes but I am thankful that it received good comments and moved my classmate to tears.
That play...is my offering to God. It took me weeks to finalize the script, months of doubt if it would click and if the actors were apt for the job YET only DAYS to complete. All I hope for now is that we can reduce the time and present it well. And now I saw how faith can indeed move mountains, I KNOW we shall present a play that would not only give us self-affirmation but also impart a message and somehow pull off miracles as the rest of our batch watches it.
Yep...I am tired of being monotonous. I am sick of the same old whines my subconscious say. I am tired of the same cycle of hurt, the same cycle of misleading directions and the same cycle of self-incrimination.
Bring the colors out!
7:44 AM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
