Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Hodge Podge...again.
This week, I just noticed, I was getting more and more delinquent, staring blankly at the computer screen to accomplish the case study for hours until I realize that I have barely 3 hours to sleep then duty calls again.
Maybe because I am slowly losing the drive to study due to what had happened in the third rotation.
I actually opened up to Lia this concern of mine; turned out that she felt the same way after being traumatized last rotation. Hay.
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My little brother was rushed to Makati Med last night due to an undiagnosed illness. I got scared for a moment since the one sick was actually the baby of the family...the reason why mom and dad got closer than before, the reason why mark and i seldom quarrel (because we found another to bug...haha), the reason why I strive hard to study and get a good job someday, the reason why I seem to have ample strength upon going home and then eventually receiving an "ate!!! akin na bag mo..." and a tight hug and kiss.
But he's okay now; we went home a while ago since there were no alarming findings and his labs were normal.
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A dengue epidemic is currently invading the subdivision and I am dead scared. The doctor warned me that if I do have another dengue fever, I have a good chance of actually dying if undiagnosed during its early stages. Mom got scared that she boughts bottles of off lotion a while ago and gave me a big one.
The first time I had dengue, I was grade three then. I actually felt how it was to be near death: that feeling of weakness turning to numbness, that awful feeling of throwing up blood and seeing blood trickle down my nose, that instance of gradually losing senses and that scary incident of seeing my surroundings blur as my body wastes away and then suddenly...all is black.
Mom said I was at the shock stage of dengue; the worst. I already had internal bleeding and the next thing I knew I was being told of almost reaching the icu, creating a frenzy at the emergency room for being unresponsive and for having weak pulse and breathing. I woke up with a tube draining blood from my stomach, which was inserted uncomfortably in the nose, with a nothing by mouth status for almost a week (and seeing all the pizza, cakes and ice creams being sent by visitors from mom's chapter and my relatives made me cry because i can't freaking eat! not even drink!), with an every hour prick to check my platelets (all my toes and fingers were actually pricked during the whole week...they rotated the sites, gee), with an every four hours blood extraction, with both hands having IV lines: one for blood transfusion and another for IV and medication, with the weird feeling of being given 2 bags of blood, with me constantly beeping the nurses' station due to the uncomfortable feeling of the tube each time i tried to fall asleep and with the scary thought that I was missing lots in school.
Whew.
Then, I actually almost came face to face with death; maybe i actually did met him but he sent me back because I was too rowdy in the afterlife (haha).
Now, I don't want to entertain the idea of death. I am still about to experience life at its finest...with all the confetti coming down to greet me.
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I want to attend a kerygma feast! I actually asked Lovely to go. She agreed but she's just not sure. Labo. Mark doesn't want to either. Mom, on the other hand complained that being in YFC is enough that is why she doesn't want to accompany me. Che doesn't have an interest and so are the rest of my barkada. Hay. Guess I'll go alone. So what?
Well that is if dada will allow me to be by myself in the center of a place I hardly know in Quezon City.
Hay.
I also want to attend Bigger than Life by Afterglow, the Baptist Youth Ministry of my dear friend Joshua. But...I have talks on Sunday. Hay 2x.
I also want to fly to Australia and attend a Hillsong worship.
But of course...dream on!
Hay.
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Seldom stars are popping out of the sky each night because of constant rains. I miss looking out the window and dreaming about stuff as I count each in sight. On the other hand, I am loving the weather because I absolutely love rain too. But both can't go together and if one day they do, I'll be the happiest person alive.
I sound so childish. :)
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I need to sleep and do the case but...argh... i need motivation. I need inspiration. I need sanity.
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Been while since I typed without structure. Surprisingly, I don't care at all. :)
12:14 AM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
Monday, September 25, 2006
In between my fingers...
This is the result of a talk with the sisters during the dull moments of the hlt when all the boys are cheering at what seemed to be the downfall of the Ateneo Blue Eagles. Unfortunately for the Tigers, they didn't budge. Haha...peace to all uste people.
I actually do not want people kissing my hand. I dislike the feeling. To me, a woman's hands are sacred; these two are actually one of the greatest gifts one can give her one true love someday.
There are actually two ways of holding hands: one that signifies friendship, the palm to palm hold, and the one with fingers interlocked which signifies a complementary bond deeper than friendship.
Gosh I sound so corny.
And so if one holds my hands in the way that I do not intend to and kisses them at the same time then that would trigger the alarm bell for offense.
I do not like to sound exagerrated. I just felt that it, that incident during one session I wish to not name, crossed the line I placed between guys and me.
I have never told this person what I really felt about the incident but eventually I know my disappointment will reach him.
Point is, guys, never hold a girl's hand just because. Holding our hands mean a lot; for me, it does, especially if one will clasp my hand and place his fingers in between mine. I'm not sure where I actually derived the idea but to me the only one who could ever hold my hand in that way will be the person who would complement me. The spaces in between our fingers are made to be complemented by another hand; a bond occurs when this happens. To me, this would signify security, that I am assured that while that moment is occuring that guy nonverbally tells me that he would not let me go just like what had happened to me in the past.
Hay talaga ang cheesy ko na!!!!
And so these hands of mine are reserved for that person God will work His will on my life with. Wherever he is, these are reserved. And no one...no one will ever repeat that incident when someone kissed my hand and held it in a way I dislike.
No one except a particular, still mysterious person I am praying to God for. :)
1:33 AM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Suddenly Reminiscent
I never realized before that all sad experiences are actually preparations for happier ones. I have always questioned God many times before because I never really understood why I had to go through those stages.
But now, when He did answer me, I can't help but laugh at the very idea that I had sulked too much before.
Haha...you guys should see me laughing right now. My mom finds it so hilarious that I am laughing all by myself.
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Suddenly, I miss a lot of things I usually did when I was a kid.
I miss playing langit at lupa (and breaking my arm in the process).
I miss agaw base! hehe.
I miss stargazing by the swing each night, with the constellation map at hand.
I miss piko, jackstones, pick-up sticks, chinese garter...
I miss bargaining with mom about going out when I haven't slept that afternoon (I can't go out to play if I did not sleep. sheesh).
I miss having autograph books and writing the initials of my crush under the "who is your crush?" section.
I miss playing in the rain with my cousins.
I miss watching fireflies swarm all around in Bicol.
I miss fiestas with the whole family in Bicol.
I miss going to the beach a few blocks away from mom's ancestral home in Antique and riding the fishing boat with lolo, eating castanyas (spelling?) while enjoying the morning waves splashing on my face.
I miss riding the pedicab around the town plaza in Antique and hearing mass in Bisaya.
I miss going to the school park in Bicol and catching dragonflies.
I miss scouting my crushes with my best friend Jessa back in grade school.
I miss Girl Scout campings.
I miss bravery tests in Girl scout.
I miss trekking Makiling each year.
I miss Boracay, which is soooo near lolo's home (haha actually a ride and a boat away...malapit na yun!).
I miss picking star apples and atis in Nanay Maring's yard.
I miss Dinky, the dog I love to death who got injured once by a Dobberman when he tried to save me and then died saving my family from robbers. (I'll have a separate post for this)
I miss my yaya who sang me "From a Distance" each time I will go to sleep and who I cried over for weeks when she left to marry.
I miss my lola nanay who always argued with my mom about what dress I'd wear during sunday masses, the way my hair will be ponied; I miss her black rosary and watching her pray each night. She passed away years ago.
I miss lolo papa who laughed each time I cried because my cousins were all teasing me.
I miss lolo king who hugs me tight and kisses me in the forehead each time he saw me. He died this year.
I miss the novenas to Mama Mary which I bugged mom to attend with me.
I miss Kuya Wewel who I used to visit in Pampanga's Don Bosco Seminary. He passed away in 1993 at 16.
I miss a lot of things and persons.
I'm not sure why I really missed my childhood all of a sudden. What I am sure of though is that now that I'm grown up and in college, I miss not having to worry about paperworks, defenses, failures, being left alone without goodbyes or explanations, heartbreak, falling in love, regrets, lack of sleep, lack of time for myself...
Hay, hell week next week; I wish I was still a kid.
8:06 AM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
Thursday, September 21, 2006
In love.
Maybe I really needed to let go that I may no longer feel distressed.
Besides God knows I was honest when I claimed I was really there before 6:00am.
Mom insists I complain but I am giving up on it. Damage has been done.
For now I do not want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to even give a freaking care about revising my case study when the highest grade I can get is below passing inspite of the hardwork, missed yfc meetings and missed sleeps.
It was a great deal of an oppression but I thank God I'm still alive, faithful, full of love and blessed. I am too blessed that He stopped the rain when I was about to leave the bus, wishing I brought the umbrella yesterday, He drove away the rat that infested my room last night (I prayed to God for that...sheesh...hehe), He makes me happy each day by... stuff (haha...secret!) and He gives me sweet little surprises (too many to mention..hehe).
I remember that one uber blessed Saturday before the Kasangga when I declared in front of my friends this reality they found so weird:
I've fallen completely.
To quote a line in one of my all time favorite songs,"I love You" by Martina McBride (mga in-love..download nyo!!):
"and im in, so electrically charged up, kinetically acting, eratically need you, fanatically you get to me, so magically sure and the sky is blue...baby I love You!"
I'm head over heels in love with God. :)
------------
Got this from a friend's blog and it blew me away:
"No man will ever claim you unless he claims you from Me. For I reserved a man for you who has My heart and loves Me even more than he will for you. For I won't give you unless he asks you from Me. He's asleep; don't wake him. He's busy for Me, My kingdom. Soon you will know him, but I have the perfect time. You're My PRINCESS, My daughter. Let no prince claim you unless he asks you from My hand for I am your Father, the KING of Kings. YOU, My princess, ARE WORTH WAITING FOR."
I'm special. :)
8:07 PM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Saved.
For the past two weeks, I had been weak. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually.
I was scared. I knew I did not do anything wrong. I did my best. I slaved over the group paper and did not complain about it. I knew in my heart I had lead my group to the best of my abilities. I became patient with my CI in spite of the verbal abuse she gave my groupmates. I tried to optimistically see the niceness in her. I thought I'd leave the area unscathed. I was even happy my lecture grades are all line of 9's, if not 100. I was okay until the last 30 minutes of the last day for that rotation came.
All my hardwork failed for a good thirty minutes. I felt depressed...hopeless. I was verbally abused by my CI. Words she had said made the situation even depressing. "Wala kang kwenta. Hindi ka magaling na leader. Puro ka excuses. Sinabi ko na sa lahat ng CI ang ginawa mo. Kala mo makakatungtong ka ng 2nd sem?" Though I turned to God for strength, my emotions were killing me slowly inside. I was being eaten up by the idea that I might fail that rotation...that all my hardwork for this term will go to waste. In short, though I did hold on to God, I didn't trust fully...I had a good dose of doubt.
Why wouldn't I be scared? Why would I not be confused? I did my best. I sacrificed my sleeping hours, my sanity. I knew I had a fault with the attendance but given the opportunity to handle it from day 1, it couldn't have slipped my mind.
To make the long story short, I was in the midst of oppression. I knew Satan was behind all the feelings of weakness. And weakness wasn't what I really needed for the the past two weeks since I had to head 2 major YFC events. I had to be strong but I was falling apart in truth. I kept the feeling hidden, showing to all I was strong. I was fronting to them someone who they see smiling all the time. But I really wasn't happy. It was all but a facade.
I even told someone once that I felt so hopeless for pretending that everything is okay with me. I smiled before a lot of people but when I got home I cried for hours. I cried because I was worried. Should I keep up the fight knowing I honestly did nothing wrong about submitting my case? Or should I just keep quiet, accept my fate and wait for the grades to be released?
Then the sector conference came. In spite of being happy in one part of my life, I was a mess. True, the sadness was being compensated by elation at one aspect but that wasn't enough to save me.
I went to the conference with a heavy heart, with feelings suppressed deep within. I served in the conference, trying to forget I had to face something to free me completely. Which was so wrong.
Then talk 2 came. Then the final worship.
At first, I was ashamed to cry it all out but the last parts of talk 2 broke my walls. I immediately went to my mom, asked loads of tissue paper and cried in my seat. When asked to stand up for God's love, i felt so weak I had no strength to stand. Like an angel in disguise, a couple coordinator who I did now know embraced me and whispered words of comfort. Though hesitant I stood up when the final worship commenced.
I cried..talked to God... complained... surrendered... trusted... loved. It was amazing...the turnout of events. The song line-up for the final worship all clearly spoke what God wanted me to understand...
That I needed to trust, be still, know He is God.
That He knows what I did. That He will not forsake me because He loves me.
That I was saved by the cross and I need not to chain myself to the problem.
That salvation was there...I was just so focused in my weaknesses that I failed to see that God was with me and that I was being set free.
That I need not worry because though my efforts seemed to have been in vain, God knows I did give my all.
That before loving others I should love myself and learn that no matter how huge a boulder may knock me down, God is there to catch my fall and heal me.
That God is my saving grace and slowly, I was deeply falling in love for Him.
That all along satan was trying to keep me away from loving my God and for a few days I made him rejoice at my weakness.
That I must be strong because I know God loves me unconditionally and without bounds.
God spoke clearly... "I am God, Lesley... I am God."
I was so touched I cried again when I went home. No longer tears of sadness but of joy.
To top it off, God blessed my cluster with all four awards in the competition. Gag got the 1st place. My singout group and partner's dance group got 2nd. The band got 3rd.
What was so amazing was that our singout was accomplished only in one night! In ONE freaking night! After all 4 coaches backed out, we felt our hopes crumble. We thought of giving up but towards the end of the night, we all helped each other. Though I had no background in chorale training, I prayed to God to grant me the strength to train. I did it! All because of God! And we won 2nd! Yay!
What floored me more was the overwhelming comments I received about my cluster. I am just so proud. I love them to death! Not because we got a place in everything but because I felt sooooo loved by my cluster. We painted the town red by all wearing the same color. Haha...grabe standout! I was even so proud that they all made banners and each competition was well supported. Haha...to the point that they were all rowdy as they cheered. Wow God You're the best.
And so, by now, I am saved! I may experience more emotional stress in the days to come but I have now a life grounded in God's love...a life grounded in deep faith... a life for Him alone.
Truly, God is blessing me. I believe that my trials are now actually blessings. All the more satan is trying to put me down...all the more I fight and cling on to my God. Satan will never take me back to him again...never. Never ever.
SAVING GRACE
Hillsong
Night and day I seek Your face
Long for You in the secret place
All I want in this life
Is to truly know you more...
Verse 2
As the waters cover the sea,
So Your love covers me
Guiding me on,
Roads unkown
I trust in You alone (2x)
CHORUS
My Saving Grace
My endless love
Deeper and deeper I'm falling in love with You
My one desire
My only truth
Deeper and deeper I'm falling in love with you
Verse 2
CHORUS
with you..
fallin' in love with you...
ohhhhh...
BRIDGE
And I will rise on wings of eagles
Soaring high above all my fears
I rest in Your open arms of love
CHORUS (2x)
As the waters cover the sea
So your love covers me....
covers me...
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I am now confused. More than ever. I know I should not compare. I'm scared. I hate being left alone after everything has been said and done. I am afraid of once again losing my sanity. Yes, it is risky...I am willing to take the risk again. But. I still. am. scared. of. the. situation's clarity. However, I'll see what happens next. Too early to tell. For now, what's true is I'm happy. Feeling happy is enough for now.
1:29 AM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
Saturday, September 16, 2006
All that jazz...
This week is one heck of a roller coaster ride. All the emotions from being depressed to being ecstatically elated, from being giddy giddy to being grumpy...name them and I think this week will present all that.
Sunday, after the victorious kasangga, I watched You are the One with 4 of my yfc buddies. Haha...that day was just undeniably happy. Just because. :)
Tuesday, I got to handle what I thought was a difficult, above average class patient. All throughout the day, when I assisted her, I concentrated on the fact she's not just my client but someone given by God for me to care for. Without pretensions or hypocrisy, I did think that by genuinely helping her I was glorifying and pleasing God.
At the end of the day she told me she was so thankful I was her nurse. She even told my clinical instructor that she appreciated all the things i did for her.
AND that just struck me with happiness.
I just felt s00000000000000 happy. Now I really know how it feels to help without bounds...to help and care not because an evaluation of performance was at stake but because one truly feels that God is present in the person he's/she's assisting.
Now I really love nursing.
Wednesday, though toxic, I served my patient with zeal. She similarly thanked me for being good to her. In addition to that, the patient whom I cared for the day before was actually looking for me!
Man! I was twice happy!
I actually slept soundly with a smile plastered on my face because I indeed helped with all honesty. I was on a high!
That night I prayed to God and thanked Him for leading me to what my heart really desired: service. I may not have gone into UP as I had planned but my experiences now are just mind blowing!
I'm just sooooo blessed, I want to throw a party because I was happy whole week long!
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To Jebby...for being the person who witnessed me cry after being subjected to a traumatic talk with my CI, thank you. You were at the right place, at the right time. Thank you for simply listening.
To Cathy...for offering her shoulder to me when I threw a drama fit at Tokyo Tokyo inspite of our distance and little communication...thank you.
To Benjo for simply being there when I needed someone to talk to and bring me out of the temptation to doubt God's ways...thank you, thank you.
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I just read How to find your one true love by Bo Sanchez. Never knew I had been at the wrong track all along.
Haha...kilig.
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Argh...this post is just so...inconsistent.
1:38 AM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Finally...
I am happy.
And though how many depressing things are going to come my way, I know I can get through.
No matter how my day gets ruined because of the stresses in the group, I always sleep (if it's ever called sleep...that 30-minute thing I do when I close my eyes and savor the softness of my bed) smiling.
I never knew I should have been praying for it; I had been praying the opposite all these years.
But now I take it back, Lord. You know the deal.
I am happy...I just am.
11:01 AM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
