Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Work-crazed
My planner is booked for february and I am going nuts.
I really am not sure why I am too OC with time; I fret when my schedule gets ruined and my entire day gets all messed up in the process.
Maybe it's because my planner gets all dirty with white outs; maybe it's because I do a lot of things that render me sleepless nights (people get violent when eyebags form...I know because I do).
Slowly, I am approaching the stress zone, with YFC meetings competing with my culminating activity practices, ARTIAR deadlines and academics.
Mom tells me to drop stuff to accomodate time for myself but I just can't.
I can't live without writing for the paper (which had been a routine since grade school).
I can't live without YFC.
I can't drop the English culminating since the play will be under my direction.
I can't (and will never) drop academics.
I am a VERY busy person and despite all the pressures, I actually feel happy being a freakin' workaholic.
Maybe because I get diverted to useful stuff than stupid moments.
I just can't live without work.
I freakin' can't.
2:43 PM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Moving on
Walking away went on smoothly for a few days.
I thought normalcy finally was taking me over...
but revelations from people I trusted kept on opposing my current.
After everything has been said and done, there really is no turning back.
Mark this day.
I shall never return.
9:17 AM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Ms. Confused
I want so many things in life.
Sure, I'd be happy to be a nurse but I have too many interests that cannot all fit in one dream. I'd love to be a lawyer because I have this passion for politics, gab, logic, law and paperworks. I can also be a journalist since I had been in the field of newspaper writing and management for most of my life. I can be an artist; a sculptor or a painter is perfect because I love creating things and putting imagination, if not into ink and paper, to oil and canvass. It would also be fun to be a doctor since I have a passion for science, especially the workings of the human body. A physicist will also suit me; I just love the freaking subject, the labworks, the phenomenon associated with it in the real world. It would also be swell to be in business and economics; I ADORE numbers and people, i love discovering answers to number problems, feeling the euphoria of getting past a maze of math.Forensics also interests me greatly and that is why I am currently desperate to graduate fast and fly to the US to study it alongside with a nursing masters. Ah yes...CSI.
Whew. With all these, I am really confused. Add to that my brief stint as a photographer for the 2-day intrams where I found bliss in taking shots in every angle, shamelessly going near the scene of action to get the scoop, even being scolded at lots of times by referees inspite of the privileges of a press ID.
Yet amidst the confusion, reality constantly bites and poisons me each time I jump into the surreal. I am a nursing student by coercion now, loving the course day by day, step by step with 1% hesitation once in a while. My path leads to hospital and corpses. My future points to forensic nursing.
~*~
I am now back to normal. And nothing, not a text from a previously erased number, not even a person or persons and not even circumstances in relation to the past shit can ever revert me back to scorned mode.
Good morning starshine, the earth says hello!
Gawd I have this obsession with Johnny Depp.
And just imagining me two weeks ago makes me want to puke. So hard.
10:00 PM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Family Affair
I woke up today with a nasty, nasty hangover which lasted until 6pm of today. It's actually an achievement; for the record, out of the countless drinking sprees, i now have a total of 2 puking sessions and 3 sessions of drunken bliss my whole life!
Last night was the celebration of a cousin's birthday and the usual sessions occurred. Normally, I sit quiet with the family; I am actually only close to iya and kuya roy. But last night was different and i have proven one thing about myself: i am indeed talkative under the unfluence of alcohol.
I was able to choke out sentences and found comfort amongst my family members who I once considered too far away from me. I was able to let out my heartache, my views, my cracked-up nothings.
And it felt good; I felt I belonged, cared for.
I realized another thing, however: under the evil, sinister influence of alcohol, cellphones and spiteful persons must be out of my reach. Last week, when I had a session with Josh and Alex, I texted someone and finally told him i loved him. It was actually hilarious...the most stupid thing I ever did in my entire 18 years of existence. The week that was, I wanted to bury myself in shame! But it ended good...it gave me more room to breathe.
Then last night, I had a semi-heated argument with Fhaye, who lectured me about getting drunk and telling my mom. We met at mass a while ago and cleared things up. As for her telling mom, though she will tell her what I was doing until 3:30 am of this morning, it would be of no use. Since 14, when mom and dad knows I'm with my older cousins, they have the idea of vodkas and beers carrying their teenage girl to oblivion.
And after everything, I'm seeing one mean girl, one nice contradiction to the faith I am professing, a blissful hypocrite.
~*~
I just love the word 'bliss.' I just do.
11:08 PM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
Friday, February 03, 2006
Tuesdays with Morrie
...is helping me recover from the ache. Two years ago, a friend handed me a copy of the book but 'til three days ago, I had never dared to read it at all. God is wise; He waited for this very moment to happen that I may learn to live after my death.
I am learning the art of detachment, of acknowledging the sudden surge of pain whenever I see him pass me by, of feeling the emotion's entirety and of releasing myself to feel other emotions such as happiness.
The wounds are still fresh, that I can't deny. But as of now I feel way better, thanks to the message the book imparts.
I realized I can never run away from the truth; I have to face it to free myself.
This is what I am doing right now and this is what I shall do in future similar incidences.
~*~
Amidst my emotional turmoil, a blink of light shone its way through the murky waters.
I got a flat 100 in Science, Technology and Society.
I got a 1.25 for PHC, 2 points shy from a 1.0
I got a 1.5 in Health Eco
I've finally got my academic momentum back.
11:20 PM
-----*-----
I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
-----*-----
