Title-Free

newness!

2007-03-11T08:47:00.000+08:00

http://indigoskies.multiply.com

-my new ranting place.

Seeya blogger.

You=exceptional

2007-02-27T00:54:00.000+08:00

I never really mentioned of anything about you in this blog for the fear of telling something stupid and sending wrong signals to people who read this. But since it's out in the open and after a while ago I had been a tad comfortable (tad lang...kala mo...haha)... this will be my first entry dedicated to you.

Take this as another thank you letter addressed to you...not anymore through a handmade letter container only you and me knew about but through something a lot will see.

Thank you for being part of this insane world...for daring to enter when I had shut the doors. Thank you for being an instrument for healing when I thought I'd dwell in misery for another year. For a while ago...haha speechless ako. Like I said...not now...there is a time for everything. I'm glad though I felt special. Naks. Haha. Basta thank you talaga...as in. You made my day when you almost ruined it at the same time by the argument yesterday morning. Haha...laughtrip when I reread the messages of rage I sent you. And funny too when I remember how I really tried to ignore you when i saw you coming near in mcdo. Haha...alam ko kaya na nandun ka na..sabi ni lia and laiza eh...but i refused to look back. Bahala ka sabi ko. Sama ba? Anyway...I think I have said enough. You know the rest. I had told everything I should tell you last december and i already have told you why at times I would like to completely erase you from my phonebook and worse...my life. But you had been a good, good friend and you know I wouldn't do that.

So hey Benjamin...thank you again for being that special person who makes this lunatic smile in each day. =)

Two Hands, One Heart, One Rockin' Life

2007-02-07T00:16:00.000+08:00

It's been a month since I last wrote here. I have been dying to spare a little time to type and vent my feelings but alas!---the grandcase, group case study, exhibit, school folio, school paper, harana project, people issues have taken much of my time. When I did have free time I spend it watching korean movies which are. so.freaking.addicting. Argh! I need rehab for addiction! I have finished Princess Hours and the latest favorite movie that had registered itself on the repeat mode of my memory---The Classic. I want to have the same love story! Someone...I need anxiolytics...quick.

Anyway, what had happened over the last few days were simply amaaaaaaaaaaazing! Well except for the sucky new unlimited rates of globe, I have survived the first storm of my college life-the grand case.

After all the hardwork, thank you GOD! Yours is the glory! When before I believed that it was a curse to be blessed in the blabs and defense department, I take back everything negative. Nevermind the people who call themselves righteous when they called me selfish wayyy back. Nevermind if there are present day vampires personified by the.abusive.people. All I can remember was the message of God that day and how He made it known---In His Steps caption, Jan12, 2007: Faith coupled by the power of God equals one big miracle. I love my life. I love God.

Next...today's events.

Sometimes, God can be so surprising when He calls. I initially went to Makati Med just for a checkup since my neck was getting larger day by day. Mom is constantly scolding me for disregarding my health ever since she learned that her aunt is having thyroid cancer. And so I went after a litany of sermons. When I got to the clinic, I was told to return tomorrow since the doctor only honored health card users in the morning; disappointed, I went to school to find Neal for the miting de avance plans. What turned out to be a well-planned day went beserk when I was asked to cover the groundbreaking ceremony of the hospital and when I landed in the love seminar thereafter. After the seminar, when I saw the guidance counselor I blurted out my desire to talk to her about putting up yfc-gky in school.

And guess what? She agreed to help me.

But God was so wise that He surprised me further when I saw my favorite professor who agreed to be an adviser!

Grabe! God...I dunno how to start but THANK YOU! I am so in love with God!

To end the surprise, He led me to attend the Greenbelt mass at 7pm. One song and one message hit me hard: I have two hands, one heart and one life to offer God. All that...all of me.

---

Ever had that feeling of fuzzines when your crush looms your way? Or when someone special tells you sweet nothings?

That is exactly what I am feeling at the moment.

And if God would appear right this very moment, I'll hug Him like there's no tomorrow.

I love God. I love, love, love.

When I thought my limitations would cripple me, He was there to remind me that my limitations are nonexistent because He's there to stretch it out if only I allow Him to steer the wheel of my life. Now all I pray is that I'll be guided some more...

"Tell me what you want me to do Lord God...tell me what you want for my life...

It's Yours, Lord God, it's yours."

An Indelible Lesson...

2007-01-03T17:05:00.001+08:00

Never ever make a person a priority when all you can ever be...

is an option.

The BLESSED Year That Was...

2007-01-01T19:49:00.000+08:00

Last night, while I momentarily watched the fireworks dance in the sky, I couldn't help but thank the Lord for the year 2006. It was actually a VERY AMAZING year! As I ran through the all the events that my memory could recall, I felt as if I was the happiest person alive!

2006 was a year of turning points in almost all aspects of my life. Again, after that incident when I was in high school, I cried again in regret for what I thought was another missed shot. As usual I ran to God to take away the pain and heal me after 2 years of killing myself. And since God sometimes grants prayers with a little extra dash of happiness, He gave me more than just healing. He gave me new life lessons and new people who shed light to that once murky place in my life. :)

In the aspect of service, God blessed me with the opportunity to finally lead the cluster I grew up in. Ever since SHOUT until the household Christmas party, God allowed me to get hurt to the core and then renew me. I fondly remember how God surprised me by making my parents finally understand that I really wanted a life of service to Him. I also remember the elation of being allowed to go to school during the day and sleeping at the shout house during the night. I also remember my first metro manila kasangga, my first super duper tongues workshop during thr may camp my first talk outside my cluster, my first commbased core household, my first ever sb2 core pastoral household, my first my sector assembly sharing, my first pre-con where i sang in the acapella and sb2 swept the awards my first time leading the kasangga, my first time to serve at the chapter heads overnight, my first metrocon, my first time serving metro manila during the metrocon, (haha shotgun talaga!)...

and most importantly my metrocon sharing where I offered a prayer to God in front of 4000 people!

Of course, how can I also forget the wonderful people I met during my stint as one of the team in medical mission? Ate Leah, Mai, Kuya Jake and Ivan...I miss you!!! The genserve team...ate jing, kuya boris and the rest of those I became close with. The team who helped me during our storycon sessions: my ever "galeng" and "lupet" Kuya Arvin, Ate Mariel, Kuya Nics, Kuya Jepoy; my fellow sharers: kuya doms, joy, ivan (ulit...haha), kates, mai, raine... :) Thank you all for making my first-ever, super amazing metrocon possible!

A shower of thanks to the people who inspired, touched and valued me: my sb2 family especially my partner, emvin and the leaders who attend the friday sessions...i love you guys because next to my family you all complete me; my commbased core saturday family: awee (my past life "kapatid" and confidante) and ther, kuya chris (my load provider, tawa buddy...haha talaga!) and ate mac (my hillsong ka-addict and shout first friend with anelle), benjo (si zombie...buahaha) and lanjae (my ka-batch and sister), ate tin (haha laging wala pero nandun nung revelation...haha gets?) and kuya jon (hindi umattend ng hh pero feeling close nung pre-con haha), shine (all smiles!) and paolo (na napressure mag-globe at ang naging discourse buddy ko one hh), renel (kapateeeeeed, confidante, loving friend) and angel (sax girl), noel (hahahahaha! partner ko nung cho!) and anelle (ka-close ko nung cho...one of those i first became close with during the shout), ate roan (kasama ko lang nung gk empowerment haha) and kuya alex (hehe another absentee hh member), ate wanda (na naging close ko na dahil sa hh) and dl (haynako laging wala!) and of course kuya g (adviser, kuya, confidante, supppper!) and ate dianne (who i love sooo much!); to the other nff sa sector: ate dana (my mentor...that sums it up), kuya tis (my big brother nung past life haha), kuya jp (who i became close to because of the metrocon pre-activities sa center), ate ka (waaaah! haha jolly, jolly ate ka!), bonjing (shotgun sharer haha), kd (shout buddy), roarke (inspiring, hands down servant, friend, God's blessing, oatmeal cookie giver haha), kuya billy (haha...tangkad!), ate tessa (sweet, sweet ate tessa), ate triccia, ate carla (bungisngis haha), ate jhoei (shout ate)...haha who else? There are lots and all of them brought a significant change in me...they might not know it but their inspiring way of serving God helped me get to the core of loving Him.

My barkada!!! Lovely (spiritual and all around wise adviser haha...ang tawa!!!haha! Fellow Blue Eagle enthusiast), Che (best friends ba tayo? haha... iyakin as usual pero love ko), Monica (my defender, my punch bag, my yfc "kausap" haha), Janai (confidante, yellow, yellow...haha)! Of course mae and josh... my emotional pillow...my spiritual adviser. Ate marian (adviser sa...ya know haha! Defender...), BIBBO (kelogs, jane, kat, gia, jebby, maan, alex, joshy, sweet)...i miss you...you are the best!!! My new group who I am starting to know (those who listened well...those who understand, need i mention your name...i hate to be biased...you know who you are), my thesis groupmates...sana best thesis...woo!

Other special people: my hs family, especially those who stuck with me: Cathy (my secret best friend) and Carline (Ayeen love...i missssss you bakla!haha!).

Jessa, Clarett, Loren, Rox, AHSE II-B, AHSE I-B, nff sa BSN III-B, Artiar family...and those I failed to mention...

I love you all. You made the new lee-an possible.

Of course how can I forget God...my therapist...my love...my boyfriend...my brother...my all.

A BIG THANK YOU.

You made me understand a lot of things. You made me realized that i am loved. You COMPLETE me.

The highlights of the year...all of it I wrote it here in my blog, feel free to read. For now, I welcome 2007 with excitement. 4th year is a sem away...thesis is a sem away...grandcase on the 12th...proposals for upcoming projects due this month...

I am still Lesley Anne Alvarez Rosal...workaholic...sentimental...kid within...

...only better.

Happy, Happy, Happy!

2006-12-21T19:48:00.000+08:00

This will be the very first after a long time that my breathing won't be too erratic due to nearing deadlines of requirements.

This will also be the very first after a long time that I won't have to worry MUCH about anything (well except the grand case, thesis title and metropsyche group case study...not a lot noh?).

I actually missed turning on the TV and bumming around doing nothing; savoring each sigh of relief from all the stresses of third year.

So what's the latest?

Since a lot of significant events have already gone by unwritten, I'll just rant and rave about the current status of my heart.

So how have I been?

I have been so blessed. Ever since the metrocon, my life went upside down...in a good way of course. I have realized how blessed I am to have a loving family in spite of each of their imperfections. I realized that I was trying to create an image of a perfect family but in truth there was really no such thing as perfect to begin with.

Through the years, my family had been the source of my ups and downs. They were the ones who hurt me the most in my entire life to the point that I even thought of entertaining the temptation of ending what turned out to be a wonderful existence. They were also the ones who rejoiced with me during moments of triumph...from my silent dad down to my charming little ate-hugging (and kissing) brother.

And I never knew how much I should value each one of them in spite of all the things they had done to hurt me if it weren't for the metrocon. All along I focused so much on me being hurt by them and not what they might be feeling when they hurt me. Call it selfish perhaps...I had been that superficial.

Well now, the arguments remain...that I can't deny; but now I learned how to understand them when those unfortunate events occur. After all it wasn't their choice to clash with me and maybe say things that seemed like stabs to the ego.

For my initially-hated group, I now understand each of them and why the behave that way thanks to the psychodynamics activity in Metropsyche. Again, I focused too much on the pain they gave me and not the pains I returned in unconscious revenge. To make things sweeter, I learned how to speak up when I feel the need to tell them they were going overboard with the teasings. In addition, I also realized how blessed my life was by doing my autobiography...tracing the developments ever since infancy. While doing that I felt how God has blessed me with a wonderful life...

my family...
my talents...
my friends...
my YFC family...
my God...

everyone that had passed by and stayed in memory and those who have remained close to my heart.

Without all the people I love I am not the Lesley Anne I am at the moment...vibrant and so much in love with life in its entirety!

Haha...I am actually extremely ecstatic at the moment. Everything I prayed to God for were granted. I am too blessed I couldn't ask for more!

I am happy. Extremely so.

No time...

2006-12-15T00:11:00.000+08:00

I have failed to finish the metrocon post.

I also failed to rant about recent events...

about recent elations...recent tears.

All because I had no time to type entries as long as I want.

So this will be short. At the moment, I do not know why I feel so hurt but I am. Sometimes I wish I could take back time and reverse everything.

I'm so confused that I want time to speed up or even stop so I won't even think. I don't want to dwell on it anymore because in the process I find myself bruising myself so bad.

But whoever said it would be easy?

So High!

2006-11-22T19:38:00.000+08:00

Worshipping God with Hillsong United and the rest of the people who are absolutely crazy and insane in loving the ONE GOD brings incomparable happiness. Each time I worship, I am automatically brought to the state wherein everything just spins and I feel like I am being bathed in eternal embrace with my God; last night, was just a blast. The worship was different from that we have in YFC but it still left me on a high. Up to this very moment, there were no others songs that blasted in my ears but songs of loving and honoring God. Because of excitement and the feeling of euphoria I downloaded the songs I have heard last night.

And it was just amazing...how people, the youth particularly can write about God and become witnesses by their God-given talent of composing songs.

Now I became more determined to compose my own hymn for God. If not a hymn, a very special poem.

I have said before that I still find it hard to write a poem for God because I can't find the right words to describe how GOOD and AMAZING He works in me.

But this Christmas, on the birthday of my Jesus, I will offer a poem for Him. I will make sure that that poem will be the most special I have done in my lifetime.

I only give poems to extremely special persons because my poetry speaks the words only my heart knows. Sometimes I even find it so weird that I end up reading my work then fidget because the words seem foreign to me; only then i will realize what I have written was what I really feel deep down.

In short, when I write poetry, it's as if I am not the one writing.

In my lifetime, I have given only 3 people poetry. God will be the most special recipient of my heartfelt composition this Christmas.

Which made me realize...poems will be special gifts this upcoming season of rejoicing. It's just sad only a few will receive. Hehe.

------

*my metrocon experience, hillsong experience and group hurts next time. I'm to lazy to write.

Crying inside

2006-11-12T19:44:00.000+08:00

I know they are talking about the camp...and about me.

I may have the headphones on full blast but I heard my mom telling my dad that I barely talked to her, that after school on Saturday I came home, said hello and went to my room to sleep without eating dinner and all that before the whole thing covered both my ears.

I know my dad wanted to pick me up Sunday early morning to go to camp but I refused. What was there to do? Four talks had passed and the tongues workshop and baptism were all over. So yeah, what else would I do? I had committed myself already to serve Kasangga? What else?

When they came home, they were all talking about the camp. How it was fun...how they all solved the problems...how everyone enjoyed. And bitter me sat there in the dinner table and didn't finish my food because I felt sick listening.

And so here I am, typing away while the headphones are in full blast. Typing all the bottled pain away. Typing so that in the end I can cry because since dad's announcement that I will not join camp I can't cry. I just can't.

I don't hate them. My parents. I just feel bad. So hurt. It felt so lonely a while ago in Kasangga. As much as possible I don't want people filling me in about camp. I don't want to.

I am crying inside because the people I love do not seem to understand me again. I know God didn't allow me to go because of reasons. But I don't want the hear the brutal words of Saturday early morning.

I don't want to recall.

I just want to cry...

so bad.

That Perfect Entry

2006-11-12T00:23:00.000+08:00

It's still in the works...the entry about what had happened to me during the metrocon and the exciting stuff after it.

It's still in the works because *this* author can't still seem to find time to make long entries. Everyday she wakes up, dresses up, studies a lil, prays longer than she prepares for school, goes to school, sees her sanity slowly dissolve, goes home, barely touches her phone, can't even glimpse at the TV (whattaloser), studies, prays again, reviews her day and then sleeps. Sometimes she even dozes off right after her butt lands on the bed. Woo.

In short, I am going nuts and bananas.

-------------

I miss a lot of people. I miss my high school friends...I miss jessa, my grade school best friend...I miss Carline (who I haven't talked to for a looooooooooooong time na).

I want time to stop so I can be with all the people I love and hug each of them.

I am in dire need of a hug =(

...

2006-11-11T03:29:00.000+08:00

There are times you want to shut out from everything...from everyone. There are also times that your feelings get so narrowed you only feel the pain.

I know I must have faith but at the moment, all i can see are the tears dropping on the computer table and the things essential to make this pointless entry possible.

Pessimism is usually one's initial reaction.
There are times I just want to be alone and not be bothered at all.

One is now.

Unity in Love for God, Others, Work, Studies and Prayer

2006-10-26T19:00:00.000+08:00

This was the speech I made that gave my cousin first place in oration. During the days I did this, I had to pray, I had to discern, I had to lay down my heart.

This is my offering.

"For by one Spirit are we all baptized into one body, whether we be Jews or Gentiles, whether we be bond or free; and have been all made to drink into one Spirit. " (1 cor 12:13)

Before anything else, let me start this speech by asking you to reflect on this question: what is one thing you can't leave the house without? Brothers and sisters, months ago this was the same question surveyed among the youth by a popular newspaper. And just like 95% of the replies, I guess most of you thought of one thing: your cell phone. Some of you may have thought of your IPods, maybe some may have also thought of their CD players or Mp4s. In this world dependent on technology, everything has become so fast paced that people are starting to get busy and everything is always done in an instant. Why then am I talking about this?

Brothers and sisters, in today's world of progress, technology, prosperity, luxury and lost love, self-love has been created. With the loss of love, today's man has lost happiness, mirth, satisfaction - the fruits of love. But besides its fruits, love also grants us unity for it is only through love this is made possible. Why so? Because we must remember that God is love; if we would live our lives on the superficial side of our faith, like simply going to mass because we are required to or even praying without action, then there is an absence of love, an absence of unity and an absence of God.

For people our age, brothers and sisters, we can show our love for God if we consequently love our neighbors, especially those who have less in life. Let us remember that Jesus, Himself, had reminded us to keep one of the two greatest commandments: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."

But loving our neighbor, isn't just one of the areas wherein our love for God can manifest; it also through loving our studies and our work. Let me share this to you: make your studies and your work a form of prayer, your offering to God. With excellence in the things we do, we must give back the glory to Our Father.

Lastly, we must all come together in prayer. Prayer connects us to God. Yet simply praying recited prayers isn't enough. I urge you all to pray to God intimately. Aside from your personal concerns, pray for your country...pray for those who are oppressed and poor...pray for our national leaders; pray that this world may be a world of love and unity and not a world of war, vengeance, violence and hate as it is today.

My dear brothers and sisters, you have all heard of the depressing news that scatters in the papers everyday. You have all caught a glimpse that this world we live in is stricken with poverty, corruption and selfishness. CHANGE must begin with us. Today, I share to you the flame of unity and hope by giving this message. I urge you to move, to be one in loving God, our neighbor, our studies and work. I urge you all to pray fervently. I urge you to keep the fire burning and to share God's love to all those who are still astray. In our own little ways, with our voices in unison, we can make things happen. All these because we are one body with one head who have died for us on the cross just to save us---Jesus Christ. Move, have faith and pray!

With this, may God be praised. A pleasant Good morning to all.

Holding on

2006-10-26T12:46:00.000+08:00

It sucks when oppression comes before the event you have been preparing and praying for so hard.

But it is during the moments of tears I hold on more to God and simply bask in His peace.

Being down, knocked down by oppression is a choice and I'm glad I chose to hold God's hand inspite of being at the brink of falling apart.

If the people I love fail to show their appreciation or even stab me to the point of bleeding in dismay, I will never stop loving them the way my God loved those who had crucified Him.

At the moment, I have two more days. I believe that on the third, He will raise me up from this death.

For now, all I see is God, all I hear is God, all I feel is God...all of me for God.

---------

They say in the moments of pain, when loneliness strikes, God sends us angels in the form of friends.

Do I need to acknowledge you further?
You know who you are.

Thank you for being mine. :)

Busy for God's Kingdom

2006-10-24T12:04:00.000+08:00

This sembreak is the best sembreak ever! God had given me a LOT of surprises so far in every aspect of my life and there are still unopened parcels!

Since the metrocon is drawing to a close and I am part of the medical mission team of YFC Manila, plus the fact that I'm also part of the SouthB team, I had been busy nowadays to the point that mom and dad are starting to complain of the less time I spend with my family.

But instead of restricting me, I've got their support which, of course, makes me uber happy nowadays.

Last night, we had our very first midyear camp meeting and as the camp also draws to a close, I am quite nervous and excited at the same time. I'm going to give the 2nd most important talk of the camp, which is talk 3. Plus, Kuya Arvin will give talk 4! Wee! If Awee's cluster will even agree, we might have the very first sb1-sb2 midyear camp!

In a while, I'm off to Ortigas for the Genserve and program meeting. I'm not sure what's in store for me there but I know at the end of today, I will surely have a huge smile on my face.

Really...at the moment, I'm deeply in love with God. Sobra, sobra!

----

I'm too happy to be coherent.

never will :)

2006-10-19T21:58:00.000+08:00

I have just realized...

I can never, and will never tip the glass.

I'd just let it be and wait til someone else breaks it for me.

Grabe.

2006-10-15T09:05:00.000+08:00

Though I still have four days to spend with the babies in the nursery as part of my make-up duties, I would like to close the previous sem, anticipate the next with high enthusiasm, embrace the remaining days of my vacation, sleep like there is no tomorrow (though I still have to be up at 4:00am until thursday...pfft) and start the road to a change in the drive to healthy excellence at school.

The last sem was an overkill of emotions. I had realized, finally, that people can stab you hard in college. Whenever mom would tell me never to trust anyone in college, I'd brush the advice aside and tell her that the people I meet are trustworthy and would never bring me down.

Guess mothers do know best.

After everything that had happened, I now believe that in order to get even, people will do everything to stop my momentum; that though your efforts were for the best of all and were directed towards changing for the better, still there are closed-minded people who would forever stick with the initial impression.

And so, yes, enough is enough. I have already consulted with the authorities and though it pains me to leave those who have been there with me since the start, I do have to save myself from totally spiraling down. I can't afford another year of people trying to make me feel inferior...trying to use me when they feel the need to.

Change would be great, I know. It will be a fresh, new start; another chance to redeem myself and start telling people that not all the time I can tolerate the idea of being subjected to jeers that are totoally uncalled for. Change will make me firm and make people start having the impression that not all the time I can tolerate being jeered at, especially if it does damage. Problem with people is they think it's always okay...

Now all I really ask God for with regards to school life is the approval of authorities for me to have a new start with new people. I do not care if the grand case assignment would be harder; as long as I have people who would support me, people who I know are sincere, I know everything will be alright. The grade wouldn't matter to me; it doesn't anymore.

-----

To add up to the excitement of my sembreak, things had just been getting happier and happier.

I thought that resuming the regular household yesterday will be the turning point from badtrip to happy but God gave it away too early.

I.am.absolutely.floored.by.yesterday's.happiness.

First, I got to bond with Kel again yesterday after a loooooooong time. I miss Bibbo (my old group) already. I miss them so, so, so much.

Second, when I thought I had to wait 'til December for me to buy a new phone, God graced me by my uncle and auntie who bought me a motorola c261 yesterday! Now I can really my other auntie's present in December for ILC Bohol and a new Mp3 player! =) My brother actually bought his 512mb for 1800! Besides that, the features are great. Haha...I can't wait for the next surprises!

Third, just right after make-up duties, I'm gonna go to Puerto Galera with my auntie and uncle. Grabe. This is too much fun. Haha.

Fourth, the upcoming Victory party of SB2. I miss my cluster to death! I wish we could secure the poolside at Chateau Elysee.

Fifth, the Hillsong United Concert on Nov21! I got court tickets! Seat number 42! Near the stage! My fervent wish to see them live was granted! Can't wait!!!

Sixth, the Metrocon. I'm gonna serve as part of the Medic team! Another granted wish!

Seventh, sb2 started to have a purely pastoral household last Friday night. I can't wait for the next. I was so kilig by Tita Baby's and Tito Benjie's love story. Haha. And she actually ended up with the man who had the qualities he had been fervently praying to God for. All of the sisters who were with me were wishing the same thing would happen to us someday. Hay. Imagine ending up with the man you had always asked God for... =)

Eighth, last Tuesday my professor in my major subject pulled me aside at Ministop and said these words: "Ms. Rosal, you're one of the highest in the n201 final exams. Congratualtions, ha? Naku baka magtopnotch ka na sa boards ha?"

Wow God...grabe...I want to see and hug You tight!

------

I am at the threshold of oblivion. I don't want to leave.

confused.

2006-10-10T23:02:00.000+08:00

I no longer want to be a slave of confusion.
But what can I do?
I have the option...

but I'm scared to push the glass.

Will I allow it to shatter...

or will I safeguard it and wait 'til another force breaks it?

allow me an emo moment

2006-10-09T10:38:00.000+08:00

I remember getting hooked before. For some weird...weird reason I hate to tell. Eep. Allow me to enjoy this moment of recalling.

Though I have my heart to gothic and celtic, deep inside, yep, I still absolutely LOVE this song...this band for their sheer poetic music.
The one in red color...those lines...never fail to make me weak to the knees.

Everything Straylight Run makes me want to bury myself under my pillow and allow the butterflies to swarm around me.

I love John Nolan's magic. Haha.

I really should be studying right now but the sudden memory of this heartwrenchingly saccharine sweet (haha exaggerated!) song can't seem to stop haunting me.

And yes, those lyrics in red...makes me want to feel my heartbeat slow down right this very moment.

The Tension And The Terror

by Straylight Run

All the boys voices cracking
Oh, the moaning half tones
Come summertime, we're all the same age here
All the tension and the terror
Thin-limbed gorgeous green eyes smiling
And I'm going straight to hell

All the possibility and promise just weighs on me so heavily

[CHORUS]
And I try but I'm not convincing
Your lips, they pout and twist
And I die trying just to keep myself from kissing you
You take in everything with a certainty I envy
It's somehow all I need
Just keep me guessing please

Darling, all of these awkward jumpstart-stalling conversations
Mean much more to me than anything
It comes down to me and you
And whether we're supposed to or not, we still will
We're so much better off than them

All the possibility and promise just weighs on me so heavily

[CHORUS]

A look
A laugh
A smile
A second passes by and I regret it
words just aren't right
Sometimes I just can't explain
All the ways you devastate me
Always on my mind

[CHORUS x2]

...fixated.

2006-10-08T18:58:00.000+08:00

I am starting to hate Smart Broadband. Not only do they have sucky technical support, they have an engineering staff (working round the clock, mind you) who have not yet fixed the base area, wherein my connectivity depends on, for 8 straight days now.

Whose blood won't boil with rage when after a day at school, I expect it fixed as promised only to learn that it's still down and I can't download lecture attachments speedily for me to study right away?

Grr...I want it terminated but I have a one-year contract which ties me with them. Sucky!!!

-----

From the time I did the last post, a lot has happened. I got my heart stepped on, my eyes puffy with tears, my stomach infested with butterflies, my head thundered by migraine, my dignity stepped on, my body all weak with fear, self-pity and sadness.

I thought I could go on and continue but I'm too scarred. It's not cowardice anymore, it's common sense. I can no longer tolerate me being used and me allowing myself to be stepped on.

An angel came in the form of my clinical instructor who noticed that I was losing the zest...that vibrancy which I had when she handled me in Ethics and in Skills Laboratory. She affirmed me by telling that I was one of those she noticed who would go a long way because I was, according to her, a "very bright student."

I relayed to her what possibly may have caused the loss of efficiency and she understood.

"Hindi ka laruan nila. Know when to be firm and tell them that it's below the belt. Humility and firmness can go together. You don't have to be quiet about it and bottle it up only to find yourself bursting in the end."

And yes, she's right. There's an end to it.

Sometimes, it is okay to be mataray when there is a basis for being such.

Goodbye, pain. All of you cannot hurt me now.

-----

I do not know how I could describe yesterday. What transpired the whole time was... simply amazing.

I felt so blessed...happy... that I am lost in the myriad of positive emotions.

I thank God for bring GK into my life. I thank God for the wonderful people I spent time with yesterday. I thank God for our couple coordinators. I thank God for finally bringing mom and dad to understand the magic of YFC. I thank God for allowing me to feel loved by a lot of people. I thank God for everything. Every.single.moment.I.find.hard.to.describe.and.narrate.because.everything.brought.smiles.to
my.face.

I watched the sunset and the sunrise, the moon beaming up the sky, the fireworks blasting in the air twice.

A lot of times I was fixated at the niceness of the things and people around me.

I am just so happy.

Hodge Podge...again.

2006-09-27T00:14:00.000+08:00

This week, I just noticed, I was getting more and more delinquent, staring blankly at the computer screen to accomplish the case study for hours until I realize that I have barely 3 hours to sleep then duty calls again.

Maybe because I am slowly losing the drive to study due to what had happened in the third rotation.

I actually opened up to Lia this concern of mine; turned out that she felt the same way after being traumatized last rotation. Hay.

------

My little brother was rushed to Makati Med last night due to an undiagnosed illness. I got scared for a moment since the one sick was actually the baby of the family...the reason why mom and dad got closer than before, the reason why mark and i seldom quarrel (because we found another to bug...haha), the reason why I strive hard to study and get a good job someday, the reason why I seem to have ample strength upon going home and then eventually receiving an "ate!!! akin na bag mo..." and a tight hug and kiss.

But he's okay now; we went home a while ago since there were no alarming findings and his labs were normal.

------

A dengue epidemic is currently invading the subdivision and I am dead scared. The doctor warned me that if I do have another dengue fever, I have a good chance of actually dying if undiagnosed during its early stages. Mom got scared that she boughts bottles of off lotion a while ago and gave me a big one.

The first time I had dengue, I was grade three then. I actually felt how it was to be near death: that feeling of weakness turning to numbness, that awful feeling of throwing up blood and seeing blood trickle down my nose, that instance of gradually losing senses and that scary incident of seeing my surroundings blur as my body wastes away and then suddenly...all is black.

Mom said I was at the shock stage of dengue; the worst. I already had internal bleeding and the next thing I knew I was being told of almost reaching the icu, creating a frenzy at the emergency room for being unresponsive and for having weak pulse and breathing. I woke up with a tube draining blood from my stomach, which was inserted uncomfortably in the nose, with a nothing by mouth status for almost a week (and seeing all the pizza, cakes and ice creams being sent by visitors from mom's chapter and my relatives made me cry because i can't freaking eat! not even drink!), with an every hour prick to check my platelets (all my toes and fingers were actually pricked during the whole week...they rotated the sites, gee), with an every four hours blood extraction, with both hands having IV lines: one for blood transfusion and another for IV and medication, with the weird feeling of being given 2 bags of blood, with me constantly beeping the nurses' station due to the uncomfortable feeling of the tube each time i tried to fall asleep and with the scary thought that I was missing lots in school.

Whew.

Then, I actually almost came face to face with death; maybe i actually did met him but he sent me back because I was too rowdy in the afterlife (haha).

Now, I don't want to entertain the idea of death. I am still about to experience life at its finest...with all the confetti coming down to greet me.

-----

I want to attend a kerygma feast! I actually asked Lovely to go. She agreed but she's just not sure. Labo. Mark doesn't want to either. Mom, on the other hand complained that being in YFC is enough that is why she doesn't want to accompany me. Che doesn't have an interest and so are the rest of my barkada. Hay. Guess I'll go alone. So what?

Well that is if dada will allow me to be by myself in the center of a place I hardly know in Quezon City.

Hay.

I also want to attend Bigger than Life by Afterglow, the Baptist Youth Ministry of my dear friend Joshua. But...I have talks on Sunday. Hay 2x.

I also want to fly to Australia and attend a Hillsong worship.
But of course...dream on!

Hay.
--------

Seldom stars are popping out of the sky each night because of constant rains. I miss looking out the window and dreaming about stuff as I count each in sight. On the other hand, I am loving the weather because I absolutely love rain too. But both can't go together and if one day they do, I'll be the happiest person alive.

I sound so childish. :)

--------

I need to sleep and do the case but...argh... i need motivation. I need inspiration. I need sanity.

--------

Been while since I typed without structure. Surprisingly, I don't care at all. :)

In between my fingers...

2006-09-25T01:33:00.000+08:00

This is the result of a talk with the sisters during the dull moments of the hlt when all the boys are cheering at what seemed to be the downfall of the Ateneo Blue Eagles. Unfortunately for the Tigers, they didn't budge. Haha...peace to all uste people.

I actually do not want people kissing my hand. I dislike the feeling. To me, a woman's hands are sacred; these two are actually one of the greatest gifts one can give her one true love someday.

There are actually two ways of holding hands: one that signifies friendship, the palm to palm hold, and the one with fingers interlocked which signifies a complementary bond deeper than friendship.

Gosh I sound so corny.

And so if one holds my hands in the way that I do not intend to and kisses them at the same time then that would trigger the alarm bell for offense.

I do not like to sound exagerrated. I just felt that it, that incident during one session I wish to not name, crossed the line I placed between guys and me.

I have never told this person what I really felt about the incident but eventually I know my disappointment will reach him.

Point is, guys, never hold a girl's hand just because. Holding our hands mean a lot; for me, it does, especially if one will clasp my hand and place his fingers in between mine. I'm not sure where I actually derived the idea but to me the only one who could ever hold my hand in that way will be the person who would complement me. The spaces in between our fingers are made to be complemented by another hand; a bond occurs when this happens. To me, this would signify security, that I am assured that while that moment is occuring that guy nonverbally tells me that he would not let me go just like what had happened to me in the past.

Hay talaga ang cheesy ko na!!!!

And so these hands of mine are reserved for that person God will work His will on my life with. Wherever he is, these are reserved. And no one...no one will ever repeat that incident when someone kissed my hand and held it in a way I dislike.

No one except a particular, still mysterious person I am praying to God for. :)

Suddenly Reminiscent

2006-09-23T08:06:00.000+08:00

I never realized before that all sad experiences are actually preparations for happier ones. I have always questioned God many times before because I never really understood why I had to go through those stages.

But now, when He did answer me, I can't help but laugh at the very idea that I had sulked too much before.

Haha...you guys should see me laughing right now. My mom finds it so hilarious that I am laughing all by myself.

--------

Suddenly, I miss a lot of things I usually did when I was a kid.

I miss playing langit at lupa (and breaking my arm in the process).
I miss agaw base! hehe.
I miss stargazing by the swing each night, with the constellation map at hand.
I miss piko, jackstones, pick-up sticks, chinese garter...
I miss bargaining with mom about going out when I haven't slept that afternoon (I can't go out to play if I did not sleep. sheesh).
I miss having autograph books and writing the initials of my crush under the "who is your crush?" section.
I miss playing in the rain with my cousins.
I miss watching fireflies swarm all around in Bicol.
I miss fiestas with the whole family in Bicol.
I miss going to the beach a few blocks away from mom's ancestral home in Antique and riding the fishing boat with lolo, eating castanyas (spelling?) while enjoying the morning waves splashing on my face.
I miss riding the pedicab around the town plaza in Antique and hearing mass in Bisaya.
I miss going to the school park in Bicol and catching dragonflies.
I miss scouting my crushes with my best friend Jessa back in grade school.
I miss Girl Scout campings.
I miss bravery tests in Girl scout.
I miss trekking Makiling each year.
I miss Boracay, which is soooo near lolo's home (haha actually a ride and a boat away...malapit na yun!).
I miss picking star apples and atis in Nanay Maring's yard.
I miss Dinky, the dog I love to death who got injured once by a Dobberman when he tried to save me and then died saving my family from robbers. (I'll have a separate post for this)
I miss my yaya who sang me "From a Distance" each time I will go to sleep and who I cried over for weeks when she left to marry.
I miss my lola nanay who always argued with my mom about what dress I'd wear during sunday masses, the way my hair will be ponied; I miss her black rosary and watching her pray each night. She passed away years ago.
I miss lolo papa who laughed each time I cried because my cousins were all teasing me.
I miss lolo king who hugs me tight and kisses me in the forehead each time he saw me. He died this year.
I miss the novenas to Mama Mary which I bugged mom to attend with me.
I miss Kuya Wewel who I used to visit in Pampanga's Don Bosco Seminary. He passed away in 1993 at 16.

I miss a lot of things and persons.

I'm not sure why I really missed my childhood all of a sudden. What I am sure of though is that now that I'm grown up and in college, I miss not having to worry about paperworks, defenses, failures, being left alone without goodbyes or explanations, heartbreak, falling in love, regrets, lack of sleep, lack of time for myself...

Hay, hell week next week; I wish I was still a kid.

In love.

2006-09-21T20:07:00.000+08:00

Maybe I really needed to let go that I may no longer feel distressed.

Besides God knows I was honest when I claimed I was really there before 6:00am.

Mom insists I complain but I am giving up on it. Damage has been done.

For now I do not want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to even give a freaking care about revising my case study when the highest grade I can get is below passing inspite of the hardwork, missed yfc meetings and missed sleeps.

It was a great deal of an oppression but I thank God I'm still alive, faithful, full of love and blessed. I am too blessed that He stopped the rain when I was about to leave the bus, wishing I brought the umbrella yesterday, He drove away the rat that infested my room last night (I prayed to God for that...sheesh...hehe), He makes me happy each day by... stuff (haha...secret!) and He gives me sweet little surprises (too many to mention..hehe).

I remember that one uber blessed Saturday before the Kasangga when I declared in front of my friends this reality they found so weird:

I've fallen completely.

To quote a line in one of my all time favorite songs,"I love You" by Martina McBride (mga in-love..download nyo!!):

"and im in, so electrically charged up, kinetically acting, eratically need you, fanatically you get to me, so magically sure and the sky is blue...baby I love You!"

I'm head over heels in love with God. :)

------------

Got this from a friend's blog and it blew me away:

"No man will ever claim you unless he claims you from Me. For I reserved a man for you who has My heart and loves Me even more than he will for you. For I won't give you unless he asks you from Me. He's asleep; don't wake him. He's busy for Me, My kingdom. Soon you will know him, but I have the perfect time. You're My PRINCESS, My daughter. Let no prince claim you unless he asks you from My hand for I am your Father, the KING of Kings. YOU, My princess, ARE WORTH WAITING FOR."

I'm special. :)

Saved.

2006-09-19T01:29:00.000+08:00

For the past two weeks, I had been weak. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually.

I was scared. I knew I did not do anything wrong. I did my best. I slaved over the group paper and did not complain about it. I knew in my heart I had lead my group to the best of my abilities. I became patient with my CI in spite of the verbal abuse she gave my groupmates. I tried to optimistically see the niceness in her. I thought I'd leave the area unscathed. I was even happy my lecture grades are all line of 9's, if not 100. I was okay until the last 30 minutes of the last day for that rotation came.

All my hardwork failed for a good thirty minutes. I felt depressed...hopeless. I was verbally abused by my CI. Words she had said made the situation even depressing. "Wala kang kwenta. Hindi ka magaling na leader. Puro ka excuses. Sinabi ko na sa lahat ng CI ang ginawa mo. Kala mo makakatungtong ka ng 2nd sem?" Though I turned to God for strength, my emotions were killing me slowly inside. I was being eaten up by the idea that I might fail that rotation...that all my hardwork for this term will go to waste. In short, though I did hold on to God, I didn't trust fully...I had a good dose of doubt.

Why wouldn't I be scared? Why would I not be confused? I did my best. I sacrificed my sleeping hours, my sanity. I knew I had a fault with the attendance but given the opportunity to handle it from day 1, it couldn't have slipped my mind.

To make the long story short, I was in the midst of oppression. I knew Satan was behind all the feelings of weakness. And weakness wasn't what I really needed for the the past two weeks since I had to head 2 major YFC events. I had to be strong but I was falling apart in truth. I kept the feeling hidden, showing to all I was strong. I was fronting to them someone who they see smiling all the time. But I really wasn't happy. It was all but a facade.

I even told someone once that I felt so hopeless for pretending that everything is okay with me. I smiled before a lot of people but when I got home I cried for hours. I cried because I was worried. Should I keep up the fight knowing I honestly did nothing wrong about submitting my case? Or should I just keep quiet, accept my fate and wait for the grades to be released?

Then the sector conference came. In spite of being happy in one part of my life, I was a mess. True, the sadness was being compensated by elation at one aspect but that wasn't enough to save me.

I went to the conference with a heavy heart, with feelings suppressed deep within. I served in the conference, trying to forget I had to face something to free me completely. Which was so wrong.

Then talk 2 came. Then the final worship.

At first, I was ashamed to cry it all out but the last parts of talk 2 broke my walls. I immediately went to my mom, asked loads of tissue paper and cried in my seat. When asked to stand up for God's love, i felt so weak I had no strength to stand. Like an angel in disguise, a couple coordinator who I did now know embraced me and whispered words of comfort. Though hesitant I stood up when the final worship commenced.

I cried..talked to God... complained... surrendered... trusted... loved. It was amazing...the turnout of events. The song line-up for the final worship all clearly spoke what God wanted me to understand...

That I needed to trust, be still, know He is God.
That He knows what I did. That He will not forsake me because He loves me.
That I was saved by the cross and I need not to chain myself to the problem.
That salvation was there...I was just so focused in my weaknesses that I failed to see that God was with me and that I was being set free.
That I need not worry because though my efforts seemed to have been in vain, God knows I did give my all.
That before loving others I should love myself and learn that no matter how huge a boulder may knock me down, God is there to catch my fall and heal me.
That God is my saving grace and slowly, I was deeply falling in love for Him.
That all along satan was trying to keep me away from loving my God and for a few days I made him rejoice at my weakness.
That I must be strong because I know God loves me unconditionally and without bounds.

God spoke clearly... "I am God, Lesley... I am God."

I was so touched I cried again when I went home. No longer tears of sadness but of joy.

To top it off, God blessed my cluster with all four awards in the competition. Gag got the 1st place. My singout group and partner's dance group got 2nd. The band got 3rd.

What was so amazing was that our singout was accomplished only in one night! In ONE freaking night! After all 4 coaches backed out, we felt our hopes crumble. We thought of giving up but towards the end of the night, we all helped each other. Though I had no background in chorale training, I prayed to God to grant me the strength to train. I did it! All because of God! And we won 2nd! Yay!

What floored me more was the overwhelming comments I received about my cluster. I am just so proud. I love them to death! Not because we got a place in everything but because I felt sooooo loved by my cluster. We painted the town red by all wearing the same color. Haha...grabe standout! I was even so proud that they all made banners and each competition was well supported. Haha...to the point that they were all rowdy as they cheered. Wow God You're the best.

And so, by now, I am saved! I may experience more emotional stress in the days to come but I have now a life grounded in God's love...a life grounded in deep faith... a life for Him alone.

Truly, God is blessing me. I believe that my trials are now actually blessings. All the more satan is trying to put me down...all the more I fight and cling on to my God. Satan will never take me back to him again...never. Never ever.

SAVING GRACE
Hillsong

Night and day I seek Your face
Long for You in the secret place
All I want in this life
Is to truly know you more...

Verse 2
As the waters cover the sea,
So Your love covers me
Guiding me on,
Roads unkown
I trust in You alone (2x)

CHORUS
My Saving Grace
My endless love
Deeper and deeper I'm falling in love with You
My one desire
My only truth
Deeper and deeper I'm falling in love with you

Verse 2
CHORUS

with you..
fallin' in love with you...
ohhhhh...

BRIDGE
And I will rise on wings of eagles
Soaring high above all my fears
I rest in Your open arms of love

CHORUS (2x)

As the waters cover the sea
So your love covers me....
covers me...

-------------

I am now confused. More than ever. I know I should not compare. I'm scared. I hate being left alone after everything has been said and done. I am afraid of once again losing my sanity. Yes, it is risky...I am willing to take the risk again. But. I still. am. scared. of. the. situation's clarity. However, I'll see what happens next. Too early to tell. For now, what's true is I'm happy. Feeling happy is enough for now.

All that jazz...

2006-09-16T01:38:00.000+08:00

This week is one heck of a roller coaster ride. All the emotions from being depressed to being ecstatically elated, from being giddy giddy to being grumpy...name them and I think this week will present all that.

Sunday, after the victorious kasangga, I watched You are the One with 4 of my yfc buddies. Haha...that day was just undeniably happy. Just because. :)

Tuesday, I got to handle what I thought was a difficult, above average class patient. All throughout the day, when I assisted her, I concentrated on the fact she's not just my client but someone given by God for me to care for. Without pretensions or hypocrisy, I did think that by genuinely helping her I was glorifying and pleasing God.

At the end of the day she told me she was so thankful I was her nurse. She even told my clinical instructor that she appreciated all the things i did for her.

AND that just struck me with happiness.

I just felt s00000000000000 happy. Now I really know how it feels to help without bounds...to help and care not because an evaluation of performance was at stake but because one truly feels that God is present in the person he's/she's assisting.

Now I really love nursing.

Wednesday, though toxic, I served my patient with zeal. She similarly thanked me for being good to her. In addition to that, the patient whom I cared for the day before was actually looking for me!

Man! I was twice happy!

I actually slept soundly with a smile plastered on my face because I indeed helped with all honesty. I was on a high!

That night I prayed to God and thanked Him for leading me to what my heart really desired: service. I may not have gone into UP as I had planned but my experiences now are just mind blowing!

I'm just sooooo blessed, I want to throw a party because I was happy whole week long!

----------

To Jebby...for being the person who witnessed me cry after being subjected to a traumatic talk with my CI, thank you. You were at the right place, at the right time. Thank you for simply listening.

To Cathy...for offering her shoulder to me when I threw a drama fit at Tokyo Tokyo inspite of our distance and little communication...thank you.

To Benjo for simply being there when I needed someone to talk to and bring me out of the temptation to doubt God's ways...thank you, thank you.

----------

I just read How to find your one true love by Bo Sanchez. Never knew I had been at the wrong track all along.

Haha...kilig.

-----

Argh...this post is just so...inconsistent.

Finally...

2006-09-03T11:01:00.000+08:00

I am happy.

And though how many depressing things are going to come my way, I know I can get through.

No matter how my day gets ruined because of the stresses in the group, I always sleep (if it's ever called sleep...that 30-minute thing I do when I close my eyes and savor the softness of my bed) smiling.

I never knew I should have been praying for it; I had been praying the opposite all these years.

But now I take it back, Lord. You know the deal.

I am happy...I just am.

Patience...

2006-08-27T11:25:00.000+08:00

I've always believed that each person is innately good; that no matter how scheming and sarcastic one can be, there is that little spark of niceness.

But God knows that for this semester, I have been struggling to love people who hurt me; I have been trying my best to keep my impulsiveness to a minimum and avoid events that would make me burst with anger.

I occasionally get irritated by the things around me but I try my very best never to get angry, worse even to hate.

And yesterday, I was almost pushed to the limit. For days I had been crying to my friends, to God most often, about the struggles I had been undergoing in the group: the bitterness of being separated from my first group (the ONLY one who never had someone from the previous group in the new group), the pains of getting to understand the oddities of each of my groupmates' personality, the patience of bearing with all the stuff some of them had been throwing against me.

Before, I was understood. My old group, Bibbo (yeah we're that corny...haha), understood the things I did, the schedule of my life that I had to put up to, the physical and emotional pressures.

I do not intend that my new group will understand me totally. I do not impose my behavior against them and I'm not planning to even make them realize the complexities of my mind.

No.

I am trying, God. I am trying hard. But sometimes I feel there is an end to all the tries. Help me Lord to give all as You had done; to understand and love in spite of being persecuted and being crucified.

Sometimes I'd like to think I am only human.

But being human has the privilege of free will; for me it's to love and not to love.

My brain is telling me to give up on them, so are the people around me, but my heart speaks otherwise.

Help.

Better than Life!

2006-08-24T20:37:00.000+08:00

And You Oh Lord made the sunshine and the moonlight in the night sky
You give me breath and all Your love
I give my heart to You because...

I can't stop falling in love with You.
I'll NEVER stop falling in love with You.

Today I received two miracles:

I got what I pleaded God for (Got stuck in traffic..thought I'd get a 0 in the quiz but I entered the room to find out a re-test will be made available. I may not have scored as high as people would have expected but I was happy with the 85, nonetheless. PLUS...with a little time to study, I still managed to pull off a 90 in Pathology. Wee.)

and

I've realized something that I should have realized a long time ago...

*Being inspired should be a habit; It makes me uber efficient.*

Hay.

when thoughts pop up and exaggeration begins

2006-08-20T00:40:00.000+08:00

It's august 20, 2006; barely one and a half month to the 19-years-old-life and I'm still not over the fact that I am nearing the dawn of another developmental stage---young adulthood.

According to Erikson, young adulthood starts actually at 18-19 and goes up to 35 years. After passing the crucial teenage years and the stage of identity vs. role confusion, I am now beginning to enter the stage of the dreaded intimacy vs. isolation.

In my case, nbsb (and i'd like to declare the first one void as it was really technically some childish game of best friends turned gf-bf for a month and the drama ensued...well that's another story i'd freakin like to forget and never repeat...i sound so defensive.), i'm not sure where i'll fare. Isolation, perhaps? Thinking of it even makes it scarier.

Well this post isn't really the whines of a desperate teenager thinking why at the moment I am absorbed in books while the others cry over boys; this is actually a level below whiny.

Okay seriously, this is one of those moments I lie in bed after watching some series that first made me fuzzy wuzzy all over and empty at the next minute.

I actually have a 12% lovelife. Or so I'd like it to be on that percentage.

To add to the drama is my mom who keeps on bugging me when I'd like to entertain beings of the opposite sex and actually start bringing them for critique.

I mean...WHY? Why does the world have to push you when you're not even thinking about it in the first place? Why did mom have to pull me beside her a while ago and give me a mini talk about boys and falling in love and studies and...

getting married?

Why does this have to be the standard according to esteemed theorists in development? Why does nineteen have to be the stage when people around, relatives especially, ask when you're freaking gonna bring someone to reunions?

My brain is actually telling me that i'm over exaggerating. Bah..who cares anyway?

Going back to the developmental stage, I am technically within the scope of intimacy vs isolation. Meaning, at this point in time, I should be forming relationships; in this stage, I must veer towards the fulfillment of intimacy or I'd find myself withdrawn from the world, alone and sulking in one corner why the state of single blessedness ever existed.

Looking around though, I'm not alone. There are others who I know never even had a girlfriend before.

and some of them are even older than me.

So what is the point of all these?

Well since I have two more years to finish college and time flies so fast you suddenly stop and realize you're freaking nineteen, I am at the point of wondering whether I'd really like to be in the medical field someday, cutting up people open to either save lives or further investigate cause of death.

I know whoever would actually read this post will think I am such a lunatic in planning ahead when I have still begun the race; add to that the sudden rush of thoughts about relationships and all that.

Honestly, I don't even know why I am feeling this way. Hormonal changes, perhaps, due to the start of my ovulation period? Things suddenly popped while I was watching Grey's Anatomy.

Well maybe it's also because of that certain episode about adult responsibility...or even the fact the whole series actually is a carbon copy of what I will be getting into if ever I do continue my hazy dreams of being a surgeon.

Argh...hodge podge thoughts... nonsensical incoherence!

To actually summarize these (if ever the next thing i'll type would fare for a summary), I am actually in the state of wonder.

I'm scared.

I'm still actually a kid. I'd like to believe that fairytales are true and that eating oreo is better than actually _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _n _ _ _ _.

Dream on, Lesley Anne.

Dream on.

Still

2006-08-18T22:37:00.000+08:00

In spite of the many temptations that came my way this week, in spite of the times I hated certain people and in spite of the times I was nearly being pulled out of righteousness...

God never failed to remind me of His presence.

This week, though tumultuous, enlightened me to a lot of things. I realized that my struggle to remind myself that my studies are just superficial and worldly still remains in the subconscious. Though I have announced to the world my grades do not matter, the temptation to make it MATTER persists.

But I still hold on to God. He knows I'm trying to keep my thoughts away from my selfish ambitions.

Deep within my heart, I feel so strongly, is service; deeper still is love.

All these because of one song that became what seemed like the theme song of my life:
STILL (Hillsong-Hope)

Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are King above the flood
I will be still and know You are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

----
Thanks Ate Dana for helping me with his epiphany.

Too much H's

2006-08-11T10:57:00.000+08:00

I have just survived hell week. Midterms in n201 done, individual case done, group case done, ward class done. But actually, hell week is just about to start; the psychiatric nursing and teaching strat exams are gonna happen next week.

As usual, during hell week, my sleeping patterns get erratic. And unlike before when I wake up most of the people at home due to the loud music blasting from the speakers to obviously keep me awake when the caffeine fix subsides, I now sleep abnormally early to the point that my goals to accomplish aren't all done.

Ahhhh and that sucks for someone so OC like me. I get all panicky the next day when things were left undone. Except for literary works and newspaper deadlines, I hate the idea of cramming. I HATE cramming to the core. That is why I keep an organizer to fix my time schedule for the day and for the week.

(well yeah i also keep an organizer due to short term memory loss and an uber busy lifestyle)

I've got a theory though. Since I had been joining the owls in staying awake since high school, my body clock is suddenly giving up on me. In layman's terms, kailangan na yata ng battery.

-----

I am starting to have the Starbucks bug. I can't live without their hot latte. I hate it. I am not supposed to get addicted. I am not supposed to drink coffee due to my heart ailment.

But. I. Can't. Seem. To. Stop. Dang.

--------

I want to hate you. All of you. I want to get out and I will do everything to get out from your circle. You guys don't know what it feels like to be degraded and stepped on. I am very patient...just don't burst the bubble.

See you. I don't care if you're gonna hate me. Hate me, then. You guys are no more than a family nor friends to me.

Ever since, I never felt belonged anyway.

in memory of...

2006-08-03T00:06:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, it is okay to question God, just like a famous author wrote in his book. And last night, as I said my final prayers and bade goodbye with tears suppressed, I squeezed my rosary bracelet and asked Him why.

I thought I was emotionally prepared for the moment; that the delivery would be just like any other. But when the baby's skull-less head was peeping and three doctors were pulling his neck to get him out, my walls crumbled.

Silently, I was praying to God to somehow save him, even for a day. To make him strong as he was too fragile to be. I prayed hard to the point that a few tears were already trickling down my cheek. Though I knew the risk of death was high, I was expectant of a miracle. I somehow affirmed myself that God was great and majestic; that at a fingersnap, he can help the infant see the grandeur of His creation. Just for a day, Lord God, I prayed. Just a day.

But God did not snap.

A few minutes later, he finally came out after being pulled out forcefully. Tears fell from most of our eyes while the others watched with great suppression of pain. Though I cried a few, I placed my masks to hide my feeling of grief. I thought, this was something I should get used to; something i should accept. One after the other I placed my mask. One after another, one after another.

As he was being given postmortem care, his eyes were open yet lifeless;they seem to stare at you with great agony. His lifeless body was pallor white and his frame was small and limp.

Without the knowledge of the rest, I gave him a silent baptism and prayed to God that I wasn't too late to.

'Til now I still ask God why.

Without any other words; just "why?"

Ironic

2006-07-20T23:16:00.000+08:00

The girl who once hated to become a nurse is finally donning the cap tomorrow.

Freaking excited and miserable at the same time, she finds it funny that she will guide the whole ceremony as the lector.

Goodbye, court room dreams. See you in the subconscious.

DR

2006-07-18T09:03:00.000+08:00

Last night, during my first delivery room experience, I witnessed what my superiors described as "the incredible miracle of life."
Last night, too, I realized how painful it was for a woman to give birth normally. I cannot describe its severity because pain is actually a subjective experience. But judging from the procedures done, I realized that my mom has all the privilege to scold me whenever I do something stupid; well she did go on a hard labor to get me out.
Last night, too, I was able to assist on a spontaneous vaginal delivery. I dried the baby, placed his name tag, did his footprints on the chart, cuddled him to his mother for nipple latching and brought him to the nursery.
Fun!
Last night also, i realized I can take on blood gushes. High five for me. Woo.
Oh yes! Last night, too, I realized that I'd rather undergo cesarian than normal delivery. That...in the years to come.
I'm lovin' the delivery room.
-----
A already take back the loser status from not being able to watch High School Musical.
I was able to! Last Saturday! Wee! Now I am dying to buy a dvd version and the soundtrack! I love it! I absolutely love it! Does it seem like it?! Judging by the exclamation points?! Yes I do!
-----
I'm suffering from a bad, bad cold. I do love the rain; I just hate what it brings. Bah!Humbug!

17 latest

2006-07-13T23:33:00.000+08:00

Lately...

1. I realized I am indeed neurotic. I wake up each night to check up if the doors are locked for a record of 5 times each night! I also realized I am too much of a perfectionist that in the incidence of a wrong punctuation or typo error in a paper, I reprint the whole thing and reread it thrice to make sure or else I go gaga for half the day, remembering the stupid mistake. All these realizations thanks to Pychiatric Nursing. Next sem, I have duty at the National Center for Mental Health. I shall see mi amigos. Hay.

2. I bought a black dress for Cathy's debut. Yayness.

3. I bought and watched My Girl. Killed my eyes when I watched it from 5pm-4am. The lead guy was so damn hot.

4. I still haven't watched High School Musical in its entirety. Loser.

5. Classes were suspended for two days. I hate the thought of having make-up classes on Saturdays and the thought of a moved Cappin Ceremony. I JUST WANT TO GET OVER ALL THESE THINGS!

6. I realized I have to make-up SIX duties in the nursery department on SEMBREAK. Though I can complete my cord care requirement, still it's 6 friggin days off my free time. 2x loser.

7. I so want to remove my LSS on Join the Club's NOBELA. I hate the song. I so hate it I am too addicted. I hate, hate, hate it.

8. I get along well with my group already.

9. I realized I have to break free from the official school newspaper for the literary folio. Oh no...letters and meetings with the dean!

10. I haven't updated this blog. 3x loser.

11. I have a full schedule due to an overload of school and yfc activities. Fun, fun!

12. I realized I love being a workaholic. 4x loser.

13. I have a newfound hate relationship with Maternal and Child Nursing. Crap subject.

14. I have a cold.

15. I am nineteen and hating it.

16. I am confused.

17. I hate the song Nobela. Oh did I just say that? Argh I HATE IT!

The One That Got Away

2006-07-02T00:27:00.000+08:00

Though it is true that there is someone out there predestined to sweep us off our feet and endure our mood swings "till death do us part," there are always instances, in most women's lives about the ever famous the one that got away.

Personally, I've had my share of hurts and pains but nothing can ever overtake the intensity of regret for the one that got away.

Why am I suddenly in a sullen, painfully romantic mood?

Just before I left our car a while ago and was disappointed with Superman Returns, a discussion on love was blaring from the car radio. To my despair, I never had the chance to evade the dj's line that went: "Have you met "the one that got away" and realized after all the drama, you love him too much you're regretting big time?"

And then my world just fell apart for a good ten minutes.

Looking back after five years, I realized that if I only held on tight, if only I didn't think I was too much of a bother, if I became selfish one more time...

Ah yes! The slaughter of "if only's."

But yeah, if only I said yes that fateful night he called up after 3 years of no news then I could have been the happiest person on earth, knowing that I have a nearly perfect guy at my side: super smart, down-to-earth, too God-fearing, gentlemanly, not too jealous, good-looking, good at cooking, family-oriented, service-oriented... the list goes on.

Then again, God had reasons why it could never be.

I do not actually sound so desperate by writing this, nor do I want to seem overly regretful. Think of this, perhaps, as my tribute to the one I had loved so much; maybe too much that bits and pieces of it remains locked up.

A friend once said that my story could still be ongoing; that maybe in the end it could end up with a grand finale of joy like that of By the river piedra's.

Well...maybe. Until one is living, the possibilities are endless. Of course I do not want to hope or count on it.

Maybe, just maybe, I could wave my pen again someday and write the one that got away with the addition of:

...yet returned and she lived happily ever after.

Dreams CAN come true.

-------

SUPERMAN sucks. The visuals and the story are okay but it never made a connection to the heart. A book or a film can be rendered effective if it establishes a connection between the author/director and the reader/viewer. Yup, Brandon Routh is one heck of a hottie but I do not need his charisma to bowl me over and scream for more; I need an assurance that my trip to the cinemas in expense of an important engagement is worth it. Sadly, the film went below my expectations.

Spiderman is waaaaaay better and I can't wait for the third installment. Tobey Maguire may not be as dashing as Routh but the emotion that exuded from him since the first installment made a great impact on most of those who viewed how his eyes did the talking.

Gee... I lost 112 today for a film I got excited for nothing.

-------

I had chicken pox, was isolated for a week, went into bouts of depression for feeling alone and bored, got into a dent in the road, worried about it, DEAD anxious about it, got to read a lot yet scored low on the first quiz, got frightened at the shock of third year professors, got to be teased by the whole class for my curls and my previous pox, went dead crazy what to wear for Cathy's debut...

and that was just about 60% of what I felt during the week.

Oh and I'm heading the school's literary folio. And I realized a creative pattern on how I conceive my literary works...

I realized I did 90% of my works on the way home from school since I learned I had a knack at poetry when I was grade 3.

And I realized I am too stupid that I may have made more than 100 poems in my lifetime which just went to the wastebucket. AHHH! I need to compile poetry!!!

And lastly, I realized...

I can be so annoying.

Are you annoyed?

Me and my Country

2006-06-18T21:31:00.000+08:00

Ever since Gawad Kalinga came to my life, I learned how to appreciate and love who i am and where I grew up in.

Being a vigilant civilian, I always make it a point to be update with the ongoings in the polical arena. Call it a habit but I always make it a point, dead tired or busy, to always browse the daily paper. Sometimes if I do not get to read it daily, I accumulate them all and read it during the weekend.

Growing up knowing what happens from the world of the Malacanang to showbizness, I had seen how distorted some people work. Due to my daily readings of opinion pages, I became an anti-believer of Filipinism.

And so probably one of my underlying motives why I agreed to continue nursing was because of my growing passivity to my motherland. I reasoned out, what the hell will I get in return for serving a country with corruption at its very core? It was disconcerting to see people on the streets while some Presidents and officials hold a cabinet party. I hated the situation.

Then came GK 3 years ago. The build I had attended lat 12th of june taught me that building my nation needed sacrifice. Though I hated the scorch of the noon sun, I braved it knowing the hollow blocks and sand I was passing play a big part to changing homes and lives.

Yesterday, when I attended the congress, I cried once again because it was such a overwhelming feeling to see that GK indeed builds a lot of lives. I witnessed how many foreigners came to the country just to serve as a witness how the Filipino hopefully stands up to the challenges of poverty.

As the congress ended, I vowed to myself that I will exhaust all my talents for GK. If ever I do leave the country, I will work, come back and build a GK home. Who knows, I can even open another GK village!

GK is starting to spread the fire to the rest of the world and seeing how huge change it has caused makes me proud to be Filipino.

----

I know already how to inject people. Wahaha. I also am enjoying the start of 3rd year. Tomorrow, I will handle babies. I thank God my prayers were answered. I have no sat. classes and I have what seemed to be a good rle group. I am still with Josh and Mae and though I like majority of my classmates, there still are people who I will work with who I am afraid to be friends with. I hate to be judgemental. Let's see how they'll fare during this week. hehe.

Oh...and the two of the top students are in my class. I know I must not be pressured. I trust God. :)

MY UBER NICE SKED:

1st rotation:Makati Medical Center Nursery(6am-2pm)
2nd rotation:DR-Ospital ng Makati(mon-tues:2pm-10pm;wed:2pm-6pm)
3rd rotation:Comembo Lying-in(6am-2pm)
4th rotation:5th floor-Makati Med(6am-2pm)
*approximately 4 weeks per rotation

Mon-Wed: RLE (duty)
Thursday: 8-11 Nursing 201
1-3 Nursing 201
3-5 Psychopathophysiology
Friday: 8-11 N-201
1-3 N-201
3-5 Psychopathophysio
5-8 Strategies of Health Education

Yahoo!

Springs...

2006-06-10T22:26:00.000+08:00

There are times I just remember and the feeling twists entirety to one single memory.

Argh. I hate it. I hate it. I freaking hate it.

I wish I could answer why but I guess it will simply be reduced to a "." forever.

I HATE IT.

An Elephant not a Hat

2006-06-09T13:52:00.000+08:00

I actually promised in the earlier post that I'd provide
a write-up about the summer outing but I got too
lazy to recall all the exciting events that happened that
day. For a blow-by-blow account of what really happened,
go to nashee's blog.

The summer outing I had with my YFC-SB2 cluster was actually the most memorable and
most thrilling YFC event I had ever since I was part of the community.
Well the ILC, Sector Assemblies, Youth Camps and other conferences
each contributed to the huge chunk of my spirituality but THE summer outing
made me realize that there are really people who I can consider family and
that serving the Lord wasn't all hand-raising and prayer.

It was during the outing when:

1. I was able to talk and bond with people I normally do not share
intimate and secret stuff with
2. I was able to stretch my vocal chords, singing YFC songs that are
too high for comfort
3. I was able to strip off my insecurities of wading in mud and dirt
after years of not being a Girl Scout
4. I was able to thank God I followed my instincts and brought a sturdy
umbrella :)
5. I was able to rapell from a high place without shaking knees!
6. I was able to reflect a lot during Saturday night
7. though I did bring an umbrella, I left 2 essentials: a jacket and a part of my swim suit
8. I walked 5 km combined for the whole outing
9. I was not THAT KJ. Haha.
10.I was able to enjoy the cool waters of Daranak Falls. Wee.
11.I was able to swim without sunblock and did not get TOO dark.
12.I was able to join most of the picture taking sessions.

But what really struck me during the outing was my Daranak Falls experience.
Though I did wade in the water during the later part, it took Khacey and I
a long discussion before we gave up all our previous knowledge of the
lurking dangers of the unclear waters of the public spectacle:

Khacey: Lee-an, ilang cocci and bacilli kaya yung nandyan, no?
Me: Naman, public place eh natural marami. Eh sa tingin mo may
Trichomonas Vaginalis?
Khacey: Malamang! Eh Ascaris Lumbricoides kaya?
Me: Eh diba mode of transmission nun ingestion of infected feces?
Khacey: Hellow, malay mo pumasok yan sa mga openings ng katawan.
Me: Uy wala namang ganyanan paa ko pa lang naman yung nakalublob sa tubig eh.
Khacey: Naman yang microbio na yan. Tingnan mo...ang saya-saya kaya nila dun sa falls. Punta tayo!
Me: Kaw na rin nagsabi na maraming organisms dyan. Basta ako dito lang ako sa bato. Ayoko mangati.
Khacey: Sige panuorin na lang natin sila.

*after 5 minutes

Khacey: Alam mo lee-an, pag lumusong ka, lulusong din ako.
Me: Sige na...have fun. Ayoko talaga eh.
Khacey: Diba may gamot naman?
Me: Sa bagay, pwede naman tayong mag-tetracycline...

And so, I complicated things again.

Actually, that Daranak falls experience made me realize that inspite of
my being childish, I still needed a child-like mind as what was
relayed in The Little Prince. It made me realize that knowing too much
lessened the zest of life; too much knowledge can impair one's ability to
actually enjoy life's simplicities.

How I wish I can reduce my nursing experience to what is really essential and not
to what I superficially see. Often times I feel like giving up in the middle of
a hard task such as doing the nursing process in a case study or even memorizing
disease conditions, its signs and symptoms, drugs used, health education strategies
and even seemingly no-brainer concepts such as communication techniques in nursing because I do not see the point in doing so if all my efforts are directed basically just to care.
Actually, the answer to all my whines lie in nursing's basic definition: it is the art and science of care; the obvious is within reach yet inspite of that, I still fail to see that my course is actually a carbon-copy of what Jesus did for humanity.

This is why I really look forward to next week when I will finally experience my clinical duties. Maybe by that I can no longer see what the picture seems to me by following its superficial form but by looking underneath the totality. Like The Little Prince, I hope I can reach the point where I simplify and not complicate; that I can see that the picture is really an elephant hidden underneath a cloth and not a hat.

In addition, simplifying things can also enable one to count the blessings God has given and not count what blessings in excess other people have compared to yours.

These valuable lessons all rooted from that seemingly unproductive summer outing when all I expected was that God wouldn't touch me by means of occurrences not normally lesson-producing. Maybe this is also the reason I chose not to relay each detail of the outing; my personal witnessing is a more valuable entry.

To add to my plans, I will try to take life lightly and see the simple joys of everyday. Probably, when I INDEED pursue this, I can say goodbye to all the migraines that I usually blame to stressors like school when in fact if I analyze things in thorough, it was after all...

self-induced. :p

---------

Tomorrow, to Gawad Kalinga I go. This time, I hope I won't cry. I don't know, it's just that every GK event...
I always cry in the end. Weird.

---------

I just received the news there will be resectioning. ARGH. New people, new faces=new adjustment; consequently, possible migraine-inducers. Ahh! Why? How about my plans for the Grand Case? My Impressive Thesis Proposal? How can I work with people who will take time to know how O.C, how weird, how crazy I am in the middle of a big time school work? How can I explain again that I HATE PEOPLE RUINING MY SCHEDULE?

Or maybe I am just fretting again.

As usual.

So many plans, so little time.

2006-06-07T12:51:00.000+08:00

I never realized I was missing on a lot of things until yesterday.

When I was in high school, I was a book freak. I indulged myself in fictional books, classics and poetry. Each week, inspite of the hoards of lessons to be studied atop my bedroom table, I still found time to finish a 500-page novel. Back then, I read titles from Coelho to Ludlum to Shakespeare, Austen, Poe, Marquez, Rowling and Eyre.

Well that was years ago and I miss my old self.

Sometimes that aching feeling of regret passes by each time I see a new title in Powerbooks. So many titles, so little time. I remembered years ago my plan of collecting award-winning novels and biographies that I may make my own library at home someday.

Whenever I would flip the channel to Starworld and Oprah's on, I get miserable when she shows new titles with her book club stamped; the same feeling of misery washes over me when I go to nobelprize.org and read the news about the newest addition to the roster of literary geniuses.

Hay.

And so since I refuse to be taken over by the wrath of Nursing, I am planning to relive my old desires. I will manage my time well between my course, my service and my books. To hell with television and movies!

Except for CSI NY and CSI and My Girl and Grey's Anatomy and One Tree Hill, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and Project Runway. Whew. haha. Oh and I can get my doses of movies from Videocity during sembreak. Wehe. Or if I have to de-stress. Or if. If.IF!

I browsed Bibliarch and Powerbooks yesterday and a while ago for titles I'll collect and read this year:

1. Haruki Murakami books
2. Veronika Decides to Die, By the River Piedra, The Alchemist, The Fifth Mountain, The Devil and Miss Prym and The Zahir by Coelho
3. The complete Narnia collection by Clive Lewis (It's only 819 at Bibliarch-Waltermart!)
4. The Life of Pi
5. The Bio of Pope John Paul II
6. The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera
7. God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy
8. The Dew Breaker by Edwidge Danticat
9. Of Love and Other Demons, 100 Years of Solitude and Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia-Marquez
10. The poetry collection of Pablo Neruda
11. Bram Stroker's Dracula
12. Gaston Leroux's Phantom of the Opera

There are still lots I want to collect. I figured it out I'm going to cut my expenses on clothing and buy more books. :) I'll buy around 2 books per month and will still be able to save up for the ILC in Bohol and more for my savings. I may even use some of my savings for books. Haha.

Of course this plan includes my aim for an adequate amount of sleep, 1.75-1.00's in my card each term for this year, an impressive Grand Case later this year and another yet impressive thesis proposal.

So help me God.

-----

My entry for the summer outing will be done tonight. Wee.

----

But for the mean time, I'd like to express my elation to the whole world...

I AM STILL IN THE DEAN'S LIST; AT NUMBER 10 OVER-ALL!
This for the choice of serving God without anxiety. I want to scream!

Just.plain.happy.

2006-06-02T23:51:00.000+08:00

I cannot begin where my elation starts and how immense the feeling is. A lot has happened since the day of my last post and I do not know where to begin with. I have a lot of things to say, so many instances that I'd like to tell; so many realized dreams to share, so little space.

But I'd begin with proclaiming to the whole world that I have just gone out from being submerged in River Jordan for so long. I have a lot of past claims of being renewed but what happened this summer just may be the renewal of all renewals.

I finally took a step higher in leadership; I am currently YFC Sb2's cluster head. Initially, I declined the invitation to lead. I thought of third year and the cases that will make me crazier than ever; I thought of the difficulty in leading a young flock, I just might not make my cluster as vibrant as before; I thought of what my grades will be, what my schedule will be, how erratic my heartbeat will go because of an additional stress.

I thought of stepping up as a dagger to the heart. In short, I was highly doubtful.

Yet no matter how I tried to evade God's call, He pulled me in once again. In the end, I accepted the road to insanity.

I joined SHOUT, a 7-day in-house training for cluster leaders of the sector. Inspite of my busy schedule, I was able to fit it in. In the morning, I went to school and at night I come home to shout.

That week proved to be the most challenging week in my life. I cried almost everyday because I felt different: I was not achieving the same things I was achieving before. It seemed that right after I accepted His call, things just turned out for the worst especially in my studies.

Before summer, I vowed to myself I will regain the spot I had before; I was 4th over-all until I slid down to 18th. Since part of my ILC experience was the promise to be active in my service to God, I knew I had to read ahead to compensate for the meetings during the summer. I studied ahead and my first week was a testament to my hardwork. I aced all quizzes and I was performing excellently until I finally said "yes" to God.

After that, everything spiralled down. I was attending too many meetings, I was getting to stressed, I was getting low grades compared to my first week of performance. If my teachers would make a graph of my work, it would be a regressing line graph.

I called out to God for help and messages about trust and faith came in during my whole week at shout. I was still unsure before the Lord's day but I had an inkling of what he really wanted me to do. It was actually a leap of faith: God was asking me to give my all. Part of that all was the thing I held on to dearly, the driving force that controlled my award-centered life: ambition.

When I was a kid, I had huge dreams. I dreamt of owning a big company and perhaps become an accountant since I was so good at math. Then again, I loved science too, prompting me to consider medicine. I also dreamt of being a lawyer after seeing how a glamorous job it was. Towards the end of my high school, dreams of having the "attorney" title stuck to my name overpowered my being. I was to make my destiny.

Little did I knew God had another plan.

My ambition partly crumbled when I took up nursing. I hated it for the fact nursing wasn't glamorous at all. I will have no title before my name and all I will be recognized for are the dollars I will make.

I got a little ambitious again when I read a book about forensic nursing. It was a cool job, I thought since I found examining crime scenes cool. I also had another plan in mind: I would be a clinical instructor; that way I can avoid bedside care and simply earn money by yakking what I know about the subject. I also thought that to prepare for that I will try my best to enter John Hopkins in the hopes of adding that to my life's gratification list.

I had lots of dreams...lots of ambitions and towards the end of shout, He was making me give it up.

In the end, however, I gave the last thing I was holding on to to God. The process of conditioning myself that grades were no longer that important to me was a struggle. I had to condition myself to think positive and think that I was so blessed I was still in the dean's list inspite of my constant absence at home to acquaint myself with the fast-paced lessons.

Then youth camp came. I thought having shout ended the doubts and fears. I didn't realize the rough road started actually from the day I gave my all.

Spiritual warfares surrounded the whole camp. Things were turning out wrong especially after the miraculous tongues workshop. During what was supposed to be the most solemn and important event of the camp turned out a nightmare for me. After the tongues, after I collapsed in the middle of the workshop for some odd reason that made me all weak, I was waging a battle within. Doubts overflowed as I felt numb and helpless. I knew the Spirit worked in me since He whispered that I must simply rest in God and lay down my weaknesses but the forces of evil was too strong I was reduced to tears, asking God to help me...to save me from condemning myself.

I had an appointment with God alone in the chapel during the 2nd night. While everybody was enjoying in the hall, I went to meet God alone. I braved the dark, shrugging off the familiar bad feeling that occurs when something lurks around. I talked to God, laid down my doubts and weaknesses, humbled myself before my God who strengthened me. My prayers seemed unanswered that night especially during worship. I never realized God was simply preparing us for a feast the next day.

The next day, I realized everything. The camp was a lot like the passion, death and resurrection of Christ. The first two days were full of agony but the last day was triumphant. What struck me during the last day was the sight of potential leaders for God. I thought, so this was the reason why Satan bugged us to doubt and fear: he was too chicken he made us believe the new members cannot be conquered. Too bad he overlooked how immense God's power was.

And so as I type this entry, I am too elated, I am too blessed. Tomorrow, my cluster will have an outing to enjoy each other's company. There are still existing problems but I know nothing will harm us because we are all saved after all. And I need not worry because I have great friends who are so good in leading I am assured all is well. When I thought I was raging the battle for God alone, I realized I wasn't. He actually gave me a team that was so dependable that I knew all I need to do was to guide them.

I am just so thankful to God all is well in my life right now. There are stil dents for I know the road to serving God will be like carrying a cross to calvary. I am just so happy God never left my side. I found a new family in my cluster and another great family in the sector.

Now, I knew I had to trust my life to God for good. There are no more long-term dreams that will benefit my ego now. One dream will, however, remain: that I will eventually see His face for nothing else matters to me now but my God and his flock.

Kapag Ginulo ka ng Pag-ibig

2006-04-29T18:58:00.000+08:00

Something i got from a friend's blog and which was the exact same feeling i had two months ago. Maybe some of it persists to this day, maybe none at all. What I am sure of now is that I had forgiven; that he had once came, left and persisted to hurt me.

Haha dedicated to Ayeen din...
Pare, bagay! Haha. Meant to be talaga tayo.

Marami kang iniisip, naiisip at gustong isipin. Pero mas gusto mong malaman ng lahat ng tao ang lahat ng kabangagan mo.

Wala lang.
Magpapansin.
Umasang may mag-rereply sa senseless thoughts mo.
Mag-advice.
Magsabing, "Oo.. naiintindihan kita.."
Pero ayos lang sayo kahit di nila basahin to.
Bakit pa?
Sino ka ba?
Nakakadiri.
Ayaw mong tuksuhin ka nilang, "yuck!! Ang mushy mo pala!!"

Sa lahat ng kaibigan mong humihingi ng advice tungkol sa pag-ibig, ang sinasabi mo lang palagi, "Tange, kalimutan mo na lang yang nararamdaman mo. Korni mo e. Ang OA mo pa. Guguluhin lang nyan buhay mo."

Ang sasabihin pa nila sayo, "Talaga? Buti ka pa, wala kang lovelife. Di ka stressed. Di ka kinakabahan palagi --""At di ako mukhang tanga."

May na-offend ka na naman. Pero pakialam mo ba sa kanila? Totoo naman a.Tapos bigla mong mare-realize, may problema ka na rin pala.

Hayop talaga.

Gusto mong sumigaw.

Bakit may nanggugulo na rin ng buhay mo ngayon?Ang dami mong crush, grabe. Yung isang classmate mo sa Math17, isa sa Hum1, dalawa sa Geog1, dalawa sa PE2, isa sa Math100 at isa sa Chem16. Si Mike Bravo ng Maroons, si George Chia ng Blue Eagles, si Kogore ng Shohoku. Si Dao Ming Shi at si Mei Zhuo ng F4. Si Enrique Iglesias. Si Legolas. Si Ron Weasley.

Sixteen.
Imagine?
Pero di naman nila ginugulo ang buhay mo.
Ayos lang di ba?

Kaso may isang taong di mo maintindihan kung bakit kahit anong gawin mo, talagang ginugulo pa rin niya yung buhay mo.

Para siyang mangkukulam.

Kahit saan nakikita mo siya.

Inalis mo na noon yung pangalan nya sa phone mo. Kaso sinulat mo pa rin yung number nya sa diary mo.

Engot ka talaga.

Tapos nilagay mo ulit sa cell mo.
Tapos inalis mo ulit kase nainis ka.
Naihagis mo pa nga sa kama mo yung phone mo e.
Tapos naisip mo wala rin namang epekto kung nasa cell mo siya o wala. kaya nilagay mo na lang ulit.
Tapos binura mo na talaga ngayon.

Panahon na para kalimutan na talaga sya --- naiisip mo.
Okay na?
Hinde.
Mas malala.
Na-memorize mo na kase yung number nya.
Tsk tsk tsk.
Naaawa ka na talaga sa sarili mo.
Naiinis ka pa kapag sinasabi sayo ng mga kaibigan mo, "Nakita ko sha sa A.S. kanina."
Asar na asar ka.
Sabay sigaw with matching facial expression, "PAKEELAM KO?"

At magtatanong sila ng isang tanong na matagal mo nang hinihintay na sagutin sa harap ng maraming tao: Ã "Baket? Ayaw mo na ba sa kanya?"

Tatahimik ka muna.
Parang si Lei sa harap ni Tang Chin. Magbubuntung-hininga.
Tititigan silang lahat na naghihintay ng sagot mo.

Biglang magkakaron ng split personality disorder, ngingiti at magsasalita: "Sino yon?"

Nagandahan ka sa ginawa mo. Effective. Wow, para talagang di na nya kilala.

Biglang makikita mo siya.
Ayun.
Mabubuwisit ka talaga.

Maaalala mo yung mga panahong pinagmukha ka niyang tanga. Yung panahong kailangan mo siya.
Yung panahong iniwan ka nya sa ere.
Yung panahong tinalikuran ka nya.
Masisira ang araw mo.
Wala ka sa mood makipagtawanan.
Sisigawan mo ang kaibigan mong natapakan ang white rubber shoes mo.
Gugustuhin mong balatan ng buhay ang lahat ng taong nagtatanong kung bakit ka wala sa mood. Hihilingin mong mong makapag-teleport ka papuntang Egypt.
At bigla mong maririnig ang isa sa mga kaibigan mo, "Ganyan talaga pag in-love."
May background pang mga palihim na tawa.

At sabay-sabay silang kakanta ng --- Why do birds suddenly appear.
Di ka makakapagsalita. Mararamdaman mong umiinit yung tenga mo, yung leeg mo, yung mukha mo.

Bigla mong maiisip ang pinakaepektibong palusot, ngingiti at magsasalita, "Sino yon?"
Ayos na sana, kaso di mo naisip na mali yung statement mo.
At bago mo pa mabawi ang sinabi mo, sasabihin na nila, "Baket? Me sinabe bang pangalan??? Yak!! Halata!!!"
Feeling mo masusunog na sa init yung mukha mo.

Kahit anong pilit mong kalimutan siya, mabilis talagang kumalat ang balita.
Minsan naglalakad ka. May masasalubong kang dalawang taong di mo kilala.
Magbubulungan sila. Titingnan ka, mula ulo hanggang paa, at maririnig mo ang isang bulong: "Yan ba?"
Grabe, ang ganda na naman ng araw mo.
Di mo na lang papansinin. Kahit nakikilala mo na sila.

Isang araw naman nakikipagkwentuhan ka sa isang ka-block mo. Gwapo. Niloloko mo pa nga tong taong to na siya na ang pinakagwapong taong nakita mo sa personal. Hehe, tawa nya.
Ang saya-saya mo, biglang may dadaan sa likod mo na dalawang taong di sinasadyang naging pamilyar na sayo.
Lumingon ka, at pagtalikod mo, nagsalita ang isa: "Pinagpapantasyahan e no." Sasagot ang isa pa, "Oo nga."
Oh hindee!!! Anong nagawa mo??
Titigil ka na sa pakikipagkwentuhan.
Aalis ka na lang na punung-puno ng sama ng loob.Naaasar ka sa lahat ng tao.

Bakit kailangang pakialaman ang buhay ng taong ni hindi nila kilala?
Bakit kailangang pagtawanan at ipagkalat ang mga bagay na di na dapat pinag-uusapan? Marami pang version yung mga naririnig mo sa kanila. Minsan ganito, "Siya yun." O kaya, "Ows? Yan yon?"
Hayop.
Marathon eavesdropper ka kase.
Kahit ikaw mandidiri sa iniisip mo.

At matapos mong malaman ang lahat ng bagay tungkol sa kanya, kahit yung nilihim nya at nalaman mo lang nung tapos na, naisip mong kalimutan na lang talaga siya.

One time nakipag-chat ka.
[ka-chat] musta luvlyf?
[ikaw] meron b?
[ikaw] .wlang kwenta
[ka-chat] ows? bkt?
[ka-chat] :(
[ikaw] basta. wla syang kwenta.
[ka-chat] mahal mo?
[ikaw] huh?
[ka-chat] mhl mo p rn un.
[ikaw] weh
[ka-chat] honestly, mhl m p rn ba?
[ikaw] argh!
[ikaw] ewan
[ka-chat] wlang kwenta pero mhl mo.
[ka-chat] tsk tskMatitigilan ka. Tititigan mo yung monitor ng matagal.

[ka-chat] am i ryt?
[ka-chat] hey

Ita-type mo yung "gtg" nang di oras.
May kasama pang "nys miting u" para di halatang nabwisit ka sa sinabi nya.
Alt-F4. Disconnect. Shut down.

Asar na asar ka na talaga sa sarili mo.
Di mo na gustong mag-teleport.
Gusto mo na lang talagang ma-dissolve sa hangin.
Ikaw na ngayon ang nangangailangan ng advice.

Pero walang kwenta lahat ng sinabi nila.

"Kalimutan mo na siya." PAANO? "Wag ka kase magpapaapekto. Wag mo isipin yung sinasabi ng ibang tao." HA?!? ANG LABO!!! "Marami pang iba jan." EH SIYA NGA LANG EH!!!

Aasarin ka pa kapag sinabi nilang, "Bakit di na lang si _____? Yihee. Okay naman siya ah."

Ngek, ano yun, ganon lang kadali?
Nakatitig ka ngayon sa monitor.

Pabalik-balik ka lang sa lyrics.com, sa CRS, at sa email composer mo. Nakakainis. Di mo na alam kung ano pa ang sasabihin mo.Tama, bwisit sa buhay yang feelings na yan.

May magtatanong pa, "Bakit mo ba yon mahal?" Wow pare, wala kang maisagot.
Buti pa sa Math pwede kang manghula ng formula, pwede mong paglaruan ang solution mo. May partial points ka pa. Eh sa tanong na yon? Tsk tsk. Malabong mangyari yon.

At kung BS Love and Affection ang course mo, 'tol. mas mabuti pang mag-shift ka na lang sa BA Emotionlessness and Insensitivity habang maaga. Malamang magkita pa kayo don.

Paulit-ulit mong sinasabi sa sarili mo na wala ka na talagang pakialam sa kanya.
Pero bakit pag nakikita mo siya, natitigilan ka pa rin?

Minsan, kaibigan mo na yung nagsasabi sayo, "O, kala ko ba wala na?"
Tatawa ka na lang.
Lalakasan mo para di mahalata yung teary eyes mo.
Di ka na naman makakapagsalita.
Litong-lito ka na.
Di mo alam kung bakit nga ba ganon.
Kung bakit ka apektado.
Kung bakit nagbabago ang lahat pag nandiyan siya.
Kung bakit gustung-gusto mo siyang bigyan ng nerve cells para maramdaman niya ang lahat.

Lahat.

Ngayon, ipapadala mo to sa mga kaibigan mo, sa mga ka-block mo, at sa iba pang taong wala talagang pakialam sayo.
Sa kanilang lahat, di mo alam kung sino talaga ang may tiyagang tapusin ang ganito kahabang senseless na mensahe.
Di mo rin alam kung sino talaga ang mag-iisip para sayo.
Di mo alam kung sino ang maaapektuhan.
Somehow, gusto mong ma-disconnect ka na lang bigla.
Maubusan ng internet credits.
Sabugan ng pc.
Mag-brown-out.
Biglang mag-collapse.
Umiyak.
Malunod.
Maging ipis.
Uminom ng Skele-Gro.
Mabagsakan ng asteroid.
Maglahong parang bula.

Kase, tama yung sinabi ng naka-chat mo.

Sinasabi mong walang kwenta, pero mahal mo.

Sobra.

Blessed, Privileged, Revived.

2006-04-11T23:47:00.000+08:00

I came back from Davao blessed, privileged and revived.

The 13th International Leaders Conference was such a blast, I still have a hangover from the exhilirating experience.

Months before the ILC, I was broken, tormented, demented and incomplete. I was a hypocritical servant; I went to meetings untouched by worships, numb to blessedness. I was pulled down by emotions, too much it took away my faith.

Months before, I vented my frustrations, not to God, but to alcohol. I always waited for the times I can burn my throat and swim in the ecstacy of its effects. I thought it was cool to do so; I can easily be identified as hardcore if I knew how the different drinks out in the market taste like. I tried almost everything from wine to brandy to gin to beer.

Then, intoxication gave me a good high to alleviate my misery and self-pity. It was a good getaway for a night and a day when the hangover made me feel light all over. It was all good until I found myself confused and deranged. I quarreled with mom a lot, I lacked determination to study and I was lost in service.

During the 2nd night of the ILC, the rain poured from the heavens while everyone was getting too moved by the worship. As I opened my eyes, I saw everyone unmoving with their hands still raised up high, the speaker thanking God for the blessing of rain. As the raindrops paced their way to the ground in such an enormous speed, the people around danced and chanted for the Lord. We all got soaked! And then as the rain slowed down, the clouds parted and revealed a lot of stars. When the sky got rid of the rain clouds, a few clouds remained and formed the face of Jesus twice! It was as if Jesus was looking down on me.

It was during that time in Davao also that I realized God was calling me for higher service. Ideas swarmed my mind at an instant and as soon as I got home I jotted it all down in a special notebook.

I plan to conduct a medical mission in Gawad Kalinga.
I plan to coordinate more with the other CFC ministries.
I plan to be active in GK.
I plan to bring my friends to GK.
I plan to stray away from vices.
I plan to stay patient and add another dose for reserve.
I plan to change...to bring change... to spread my blessings.

Seems too good to be true but I am overflowing with determination. Though I know it will be a long road ahead, I will tread it.

Today, I realized how actually tough my life was the past week. I juggled Pharma, Micro and Fundamentals of Nursing, all major subjects, with KFC camp and YFC camp service meetings. After school, I rushed to meetings with my reviewer at hand. This one week, I was able to prove that nothing is impossible if the work one does is through the heart.

----

My cousins from Cebu came to Manila and we partied for three days in Baguio, Tagaytay and Malate. It was soooo much fun I am starting to miss them sorely.

I can't wait to be in Cebu for sembreak this year! Wee.

---

Along with the blessedness came healing. Work made me stray away from regrets. I learned to forgive.

Now, we say hi when we see each other. On my part, the pain is not enormous that even a streak I fail to feel. Guess he simply a test, a person who made me realize things about me and things that I need to focus on.

---

Pharmacology is fun. Microbiology is average fun. Fundamentals of Nursing is more fun...

For now.

My Pharma prof is the best...fashion-wise and lecture-wise.

I'm lovin' life.

Tossed Thoughts

2006-04-06T23:18:00.000+08:00

I'm officially going to Davao tomorrow for the ILC!

I have already planned what to wear for the 3 days I shall be away from the Metro but I still haven't packed my things. I have this weird feeling I will not be able to surrender to sleep tonight because of excitement. Haha.

---

I went shopping all by myself in glorietta a while ago. I figured out that it's nicer to shop by yourself; no one to nag you when to go home, no one to bother you while to take strides from store to store. :)

---

Pardon the inconsistency of this entry. I'm too elated to think straight. I am actually typing on impulse.

---

I hate one of Makati Med's doctors. Dra. Ponkana...burn in your katarayan! No wonder your wrinkles surfaced too early. Haha.

---

I need to fix my room. I need to pack my things. I need to finish my P.E and get things over with; Physical Exam is the stupidest part of enrollment.

---

I sound so... sabog.

Nonchalance

2006-03-26T14:21:00.000+08:00

I got my very first 2.0. Great.

But honestly, I really didn't feel disappointed. I slacked too much after the midterms, especially in Primary Health Care 2. I never liked COPAR after all; part of my dreams of being able to enter into community nursing suddenly vanished into thin air because of my sudden and grave dislike for the whole topic.

I simply didn't find the logic in fitting one whole catch of fish into one can; in simplified terms, I don't find the strategy of learning COPAR---the whole sh*t---in three to four weeks, 2 hours per subject, worth my money and time.

Blah. And they talk of quality education.

Reading the book itself was a mess and expecting to learn from the discussion, expecting to supplement the difficulty of understanding the book, went in vain.

And so after the test, which so happened to be the first I took for the week, I didn't care much for the succeeding tests. The dream of getting back on track crashed all of a sudden. I wasn't alone, however, in the mental drainage; a lot found the results crap, too.

So this is how failure tastes like in college, eh? After dreaming since childhood to ace everything and never get a 2.0...

It was a nice ride, though. For the first time in my life, too, I never felt bad in the midst of failure. Its fangs didn't make me bleed too much, thank heavens. The action will start this summer and the years to come; I just await the hardcore science courses, the courses I dreamt of learning before when I was nudge shy of a medical dream instead of law and order, to strut my stuff.

I am just learning how falling translates to oblivion.

I sound so much like a masochistic freak.

----------

Thanks to CSI, I learned a new life lesson for keeps:

"Ambition is the last resort of failure."
-Oscar Wilde

-------

I am dying to exchange my dollars to pesos as I am too broke to survive the two weeks before classes but my conscience dictates me to keep it longer and wait for it to grow before using it.

Mind over heart. Mind over heart. I am going nuts with the lack of a peach blush.

An Elegy for One of the Greatest Persons I've Ever Known

2006-03-24T08:06:00.000+08:00

The night before I learned that Lolo King had already passed away, I saw two figures covered in black cloth hovering the garden twice. I thought it was just the same old appearances of the supernatural; I didn't realize until last night that it was a goodbye.

Last night, in spite of my busy schedule, I was able to attend Lolo King's 40 days mass ceremony and family get together in Auntie Leah's house in Las Pinas. When I reached the place, I felt a certain mood of melancholy unlike that one ordinary day my dad broke out the news that jolly, old, Lolo King, the uncle-lolo who used to hug me tight and kiss my forehead, was gone.

When I saw the picture of Lolo King above his urn, memories of my childhood came returning. I recalled for a moment those times jolly, old, Lolo King would play with us, kids, and gather us 'round for another session of his jokes. His laughter was infectious; the kind that would make you laugh during your solitary moments upon remembrance. He tirelessly told stories of all kind and sometimes would even grab you to dance as he hummed the tune.

Whenever Lolo King would visit from the States, he would always tell me, "Lee-an! Ang laki-laki mo na! Kelan lang na ang daldal-daldal mo, english speaking pa," --that after a big, tight hug and a huge smile. He would then proceed with his usual jokes and stories after getting my hair dishiveled time and time again whenever he would put his hand on my head.

He was an epitome of youth. During the times he spent here in Manila with us, he mostly gathered with me and my cousins. This was probably the reason why most of us felt his loss when we learned of the news. Years suddenly felt too short when we shared stories of Lolo King last night, as if his visits were like yesterday.

Now, there would be no more Lolo King to tell stories to. It had been a long time since he last hugged me; his illness confined him too long in the States. I actually wonder now what his line would have been if he had seen how teenage years brought me; what his line would have been if he saw my new haircut, my white teeth void of braces. I also wonder what his reaction would be if I told him I am having a change of heart towards law and opted to take nursing and forensics instead.

Though I am not part of his immediate family, (we're the next degree), Lolo King holds a special place in my heart. I realized that he actually taught me how it was to smile, how to be a youth at heart, how to never frown because "lalo daw ako papango at tatanda."
I will surely miss him. I will sorely miss my inspiring, jolly, youthful Lolo King.

Like what my cousin, Father Ian said, he will surely be alive in our hearts. I'm sure God has prepared a special party for his entrance to heaven because Lolo King, during his lifetime, became like a little child, in accordance to the teachings of God.

The black cloth I saw was also the black cloth that appeared simultaneously in Cavite where Mama Tita lives. I figured it out that it really wasn't a goodbye apparition for me...

it was the last of Lolo King's antics: his final joke, his final act.

Recurrence

2006-03-17T00:05:00.000+08:00

I no longer wish to speak. With the words at the tip of my tongue, with the deadly keys before me, all I would like to do is resist the overflow of emotions which, in the end, would kill no one...

but me.

Let these be enough:

Reverie-Lacuna Coil

I have you in my dreams at night
you were holding my hands
then I awake and you're not mine
now it's time to rise
I want to turn cold ice in my soul
got to freeze this yearning inside

When you're inflicted by
the passion of love
desire and yearning the
deeper they burn

you were...
now it's too late
you were...

Now you're gone
It's too late
I was wrong
It's my fate

"I think of you and I see me
I'm the one I thought I've never be
I feel dirty - no purity
desire and yearning in you heart
no mercy for you no mercy for me."

-------

...this i can't f***ing get out of my head:

Nobela-Join the Club

Ngumiti kahit na napipilitan kahit pa sinasadya,
mo akong masaktan
Paminsan-minsan bawat sandali na lang

Tulad mo ba akong nahihirapan
lalo't naiisip ka
Hindi ko kaya pa na kalimutan
bawat sandali na lang

At aalis, magbabalik at uulitin sabihin
na mahalin ka't sambiting
Kahit muling masaktan
sa pag-alis ako'y magbabalik at sana naman...

Sa isang marikit na alaala'y pangitaing kayganda
Sana nga'y pagbigyan na ng tadhana, bawat sandali na lang...

Sumabay sa biglang pagkabahala't
lumabis ang pagtataka
Tunay na pagsintang 'di alintana
bawat sandali na lang...

Off to meet the dawn

2006-03-14T23:08:00.000+08:00

I'm having a major make-over by Friday and I can't wait.

I'm having my braces off after 5 long freaking years of agonizing with metal, sores, bleeding gums and lips and elastics that make me look like I've got bubblegum stuck in my teeth. What I am anticipating with this development is that I can finally eat corn. Waha. Goodbye to the days my classmates make themselves subjects of my envy due to their capability of munching through my childhood favorite. I may have retainers after yet at least the suffering has ceased to ring the bell of maximum tolerance.

That's not all. I am now going to entrust my hair to the shears of a professional hairdresser. After months of keeping long, permed, dry hair, I shall have it cut to shoulder length...with probably...bangs to cover my forehead. Argh, I hope with that the "Matet de Leon" teasings would go away. I am thinking of a digital perm to go with it but decided that that'd have to wait. I've got to raise money for my April 7-9 Davao escapade.

Speaking of Davao, my parents allowed me to go. Yeehaw. I am friggin' excited. I shall get to meet God through thousands of exhuberant people. I shall go to ILC-Davao!!! Yet what saddens me is that I can't go to Alex's overnight because for sure my parents won't allow; it's a day before my flight. I would really, really want to go since the whole RLE gang will be there and I'm sure it would be hell lot of fun but God and my chapter needs me more.

Oh and yes, about the play, we got a 100 like everyone else. I frankly thought it was unfair since some of the groups exceeded the 20-minute time limit. My group actually cut down our play against our will since it covered a total of 26 minutes. The whole play should have been nicer without the "Don't Cha" cut and "Take me Out of the Dark" cut. Still, inspite of everything, I am thankful we all together went through everything. After all, we did our best and what's more important was we served as emissaries of God through our play's message. All the hard work was for Him anyway.

---

As the days pass by I am getting better. I am slowly walking towards the morning light. Thanks to God, I found peace. I am off to meet the dawn. I am off to a new start. The past incidences had been too nightmarish yet it taught me valuable lessons. It taught me to acknowledge imperfections; to not ask for anything more if reality hits you in the face. It taught me how to maturely face problems; that alcohol isn't a way to fix things up for it messes up your momentum. It taught me that God INDEED has a plan for everything to fall into the right place; He indeed is preparing my whole canvass before painting the exciting part of love. It taught me that though God chose to subject me to very painful experiences and allowed me to succumb to situations that misled me, He actually did it to make me stronger.

Now my faith is as strong as before. And though I am not good at the EQ department, not good enough that I am contented to live the single life, God still chose me and whispered these words:

"Lee-an, pwede bang ako na lang muna?"

----
I have this huge, painful thing on my chin that if left untreated would develop to a pimple. Argh. It's too painful and it's too....big. Good thing it's barely noticeable. Argh.

Sick

2006-03-11T07:26:00.000+08:00

I am sick at the moment. Went home at 10 last night and raced to the nearby chapel to attend the CFC assembly. Already amassed a total of 8,000 for the ILC sponsorship. This means, I am indeed going to Davao. Oh yeah.

Going back, before, during and after the play, I had several anxiety attacks. Vomitted almost each food my mouth received; I was even suspected a bulimic.

Today, few hours away from Health Eco class, I am still at home with a runny nose, an itchy throat, a throbbing head and a fever.

About the play and the events thereafter, that shall be tailored for another post. For now, I want to drown in the ugliness of this post before rushing to the CR to prep up and before going to another hell day at school.

Tired of Being Monotonous

2006-03-07T07:44:00.000+08:00

I had one heck of a ride days after my last post.

For instance, I participated in a peaceful rally against poverty a day after "the Malacanang squatter" announced a State of Emergency, influential people (like my academic idol Randy David) got arrested for---what the hell---rebellion, classes were suspended (which made me miserable as our play was still undone; barely 12 days to doomsday---culminating activity) and my time was spent bumming, eating and bumming again for the whole day.

Yes, like I said, though against my parents will for I could have died if a bomb exploded in some part of the Quezon Memorial Circle (which should have been EDSA...argh) or if leftists and rightists ran amok, I joined a Gawad Kalinga rally.

And it had been a "ONE BIG LEAP OF FAITH" day for me as I waved my flag, joining hundreds of other nationalistic youth who are of the same ground as I am. Gawad Kalinga brought back the zest in my life; the excitement and optimism that had been crumbled by a nonsense struggle against my own pride and resentment.

To top it all off, I am back on track in YFC. I am trying to fend off temptations to alcoholism and instead of the "high" and "kick" of tequila, I indulge myself in the "high" and "kick" of worship.

Looking at what had been happening the past days gave me a realization about myself: I am in an absolute self-crisis; I switch identities too often that though I am utterly convinced I have found my way, deep inside I am still searching. But what's so great about the crisis is that in the quest for self-actualization I hang on to God to redeem me from past mistakes. I may not know what I really want for myself; all I know is my "me" is with God.

And what is really amazing about haveing God with me now is that blessings continue to pour. At the moment, the pain in my heart have reduced to forgiveness and relief. Whatever happened was an indelible lesson I shall mark my next relationships with. Also, though I ran late for PHC yesterday because of the STS report I failed to do because of the past week's disorientation, I was thankful I had been given another chance to reform my mistakes and irresponsibility. Plus, it made me realize that I must take time-budgeting more seriously if I want to continue serving in YFC. If South B Sector Head, Lasalle SC Pres. and Gawad Kalinga Leader Ate Noey Arcinue can be a dean's lister and do all her stuff with great enthusiasm, I can pull off the same act...all for Him. Lastly, in spite of all the doubts and fears, we were able to pull a victory from our play's preview last night. We went beyond the deadline of 20 minutes but I am thankful that it received good comments and moved my classmate to tears.

That play...is my offering to God. It took me weeks to finalize the script, months of doubt if it would click and if the actors were apt for the job YET only DAYS to complete. All I hope for now is that we can reduce the time and present it well. And now I saw how faith can indeed move mountains, I KNOW we shall present a play that would not only give us self-affirmation but also impart a message and somehow pull off miracles as the rest of our batch watches it.

Yep...I am tired of being monotonous. I am sick of the same old whines my subconscious say. I am tired of the same cycle of hurt, the same cycle of misleading directions and the same cycle of self-incrimination.

Bring the colors out!

Work-crazed

2006-02-22T14:43:00.000+08:00

My planner is booked for february and I am going nuts.

I really am not sure why I am too OC with time; I fret when my schedule gets ruined and my entire day gets all messed up in the process.

Maybe it's because my planner gets all dirty with white outs; maybe it's because I do a lot of things that render me sleepless nights (people get violent when eyebags form...I know because I do).

Slowly, I am approaching the stress zone, with YFC meetings competing with my culminating activity practices, ARTIAR deadlines and academics.

Mom tells me to drop stuff to accomodate time for myself but I just can't.

I can't live without writing for the paper (which had been a routine since grade school).
I can't live without YFC.
I can't drop the English culminating since the play will be under my direction.
I can't (and will never) drop academics.

I am a VERY busy person and despite all the pressures, I actually feel happy being a freakin' workaholic.

Maybe because I get diverted to useful stuff than stupid moments.

I just can't live without work.
I freakin' can't.

Moving on

2006-02-19T09:17:00.001+08:00

Walking away went on smoothly for a few days.
I thought normalcy finally was taking me over...
but revelations from people I trusted kept on opposing my current.

After everything has been said and done, there really is no turning back.

Mark this day.

I shall never return.

Ms. Confused

2006-02-11T22:00:00.000+08:00

I want so many things in life.

Sure, I'd be happy to be a nurse but I have too many interests that cannot all fit in one dream. I'd love to be a lawyer because I have this passion for politics, gab, logic, law and paperworks. I can also be a journalist since I had been in the field of newspaper writing and management for most of my life. I can be an artist; a sculptor or a painter is perfect because I love creating things and putting imagination, if not into ink and paper, to oil and canvass. It would also be fun to be a doctor since I have a passion for science, especially the workings of the human body. A physicist will also suit me; I just love the freaking subject, the labworks, the phenomenon associated with it in the real world. It would also be swell to be in business and economics; I ADORE numbers and people, i love discovering answers to number problems, feeling the euphoria of getting past a maze of math.Forensics also interests me greatly and that is why I am currently desperate to graduate fast and fly to the US to study it alongside with a nursing masters. Ah yes...CSI.

Whew. With all these, I am really confused. Add to that my brief stint as a photographer for the 2-day intrams where I found bliss in taking shots in every angle, shamelessly going near the scene of action to get the scoop, even being scolded at lots of times by referees inspite of the privileges of a press ID.

Yet amidst the confusion, reality constantly bites and poisons me each time I jump into the surreal. I am a nursing student by coercion now, loving the course day by day, step by step with 1% hesitation once in a while. My path leads to hospital and corpses. My future points to forensic nursing.

~*~

I am now back to normal. And nothing, not a text from a previously erased number, not even a person or persons and not even circumstances in relation to the past shit can ever revert me back to scorned mode.

Good morning starshine, the earth says hello!

Gawd I have this obsession with Johnny Depp.

And just imagining me two weeks ago makes me want to puke. So hard.

Family Affair

2006-02-05T23:08:00.000+08:00

I woke up today with a nasty, nasty hangover which lasted until 6pm of today. It's actually an achievement; for the record, out of the countless drinking sprees, i now have a total of 2 puking sessions and 3 sessions of drunken bliss my whole life!

Last night was the celebration of a cousin's birthday and the usual sessions occurred. Normally, I sit quiet with the family; I am actually only close to iya and kuya roy. But last night was different and i have proven one thing about myself: i am indeed talkative under the unfluence of alcohol.

I was able to choke out sentences and found comfort amongst my family members who I once considered too far away from me. I was able to let out my heartache, my views, my cracked-up nothings.

And it felt good; I felt I belonged, cared for.

I realized another thing, however: under the evil, sinister influence of alcohol, cellphones and spiteful persons must be out of my reach. Last week, when I had a session with Josh and Alex, I texted someone and finally told him i loved him. It was actually hilarious...the most stupid thing I ever did in my entire 18 years of existence. The week that was, I wanted to bury myself in shame! But it ended good...it gave me more room to breathe.

Then last night, I had a semi-heated argument with Fhaye, who lectured me about getting drunk and telling my mom. We met at mass a while ago and cleared things up. As for her telling mom, though she will tell her what I was doing until 3:30 am of this morning, it would be of no use. Since 14, when mom and dad knows I'm with my older cousins, they have the idea of vodkas and beers carrying their teenage girl to oblivion.

And after everything, I'm seeing one mean girl, one nice contradiction to the faith I am professing, a blissful hypocrite.

~*~

I just love the word 'bliss.' I just do.

Tuesdays with Morrie

2006-02-03T23:20:00.000+08:00

...is helping me recover from the ache. Two years ago, a friend handed me a copy of the book but 'til three days ago, I had never dared to read it at all. God is wise; He waited for this very moment to happen that I may learn to live after my death.

I am learning the art of detachment, of acknowledging the sudden surge of pain whenever I see him pass me by, of feeling the emotion's entirety and of releasing myself to feel other emotions such as happiness.

The wounds are still fresh, that I can't deny. But as of now I feel way better, thanks to the message the book imparts.

I realized I can never run away from the truth; I have to face it to free myself.
This is what I am doing right now and this is what I shall do in future similar incidences.

~*~

Amidst my emotional turmoil, a blink of light shone its way through the murky waters.

I got a flat 100 in Science, Technology and Society.
I got a 1.25 for PHC, 2 points shy from a 1.0
I got a 1.5 in Health Eco

I've finally got my academic momentum back.

sentimental murder

2006-01-31T23:17:00.000+08:00

There are still episodic moments of hurt. They still are there. I may have been happier because I unloaded unecessary emotional suitcases but the pain streaks still plague my days.

It's freaking hard to make it all go away. It feels like I'm back to square one, to the feeling of emptiness that betrayed my hopes four years ago, only that the case now is different.

It's funny how little things can change someone; how seemingly unimportant incidences, though unintentional, can break backbones.

Isn't it unfortunate how one vision can bring a thousand tears to revolt?
Isn't it sad how stares can crumble one to pieces?
How one beep and one question can ruin shaky grounds?
How two observations cause paranoia?

I had committed suicide last Wednesday. Tonight, I celebrate the success of the self-inflicted bloodshed. Then, the vultures rejoiced at my becoming; it feasted on the remains of my heart.

What I just can't understand is why it can't satisfy itself with my death; why it continues to dig deeper to devour my soul when it is the only thing I am holding to that I may live and see the day once more.

sa'yo...

Eu odeio-o. Ódio I freaking você agora. Pode você justo parar de emitir-me mensagens? Pode você parar de olhar fixamente em mim? Que querem? Você necessita ver-me com minha miséria? Você necessita observar se eu estiver indo sempre gritar se eu o vir dois? Eu não sinto nenhum amor para você anymore mas o mero hatred. Eu odeio-o. Eu quero-o desaparecer de minha vista. Para retornar nunca para trás em minha vida. Nunca outra vez. Afogue-se em seu insensitivity! Você certo sabe torturar-me mais.

Redemption

2006-01-27T12:32:00.000+08:00

This week commenced the dawn of who I am. I had undergone a lot of pretensions, succumbed to lies, lies and more lies. The past year, I lived in nothing but sheer emptiness; my smiles successful in concealing the darkness that slowly grew inside.

I made myself up. I'd like to believe it true. I am the ever versatile chameleon in doubt. Suppression made a hell out of my life and I hated the truth. I kept everything in an attempt to fix my life, to run away. I ignored the call of reform. I was scorned. I was in heavy denial. I was distressingly hypocritical of the girl I see in reflective objects.

Maybe I am Sybil. I live in multiplicity. I do not stick to one self-definition. I think it started when religion came to conflict with my desires. No, I do not blame God. In fact, inspite of this dark life I lead, He still lights my path. I shall revere Him forever.

I shifted from one personality to the next, confusing myself in the process. Perhaps it was because of the damn social approval. I hate being labeled and I hate it the most if people judge me. I am too sensitive to that and drowning in the social perceptions was the biggest mistake I ever made.

This is actually who I am, really. In truth, I live in darkness. I am not depressed, no fucking way. I am not anti-religion, not even close to being a blasphemous person. I am now embracing a life I think I was born with. I can't escape the heed of destiny, though I never believed in it. One thing remains, however: I am still incomprehensible and ironic as ever.

Oh yes, in case you don't get it, let's make the idea literal: I am in an image revolution. No, I am not a poser. I am embracing a newfound life.

~*~

In parallel with the newness, I was able to do something unthinkable this week. I am in no liberty to tell all because it was the most disgusting, the most shameful thing I ever did in my entire life. I want to puke at the very thought I had done that impossibility under the influence of alcohol. I want to escape from that damned day.

So this is how it feels, huh? I thought by doing such I was risking a lifetime of regret; turned out it was a chance for change. I am happier. Really. I still cannot deny there are episodic moments of hurt when I am reminded of the past but the satisfaction of redemption from all the chains of deception was more evident. I had released the thorn that choked me to near death for more than a year. I was lifted up to oblivion.

In the days to come, my life will be smoother. I know that if I come face to face with them, I won't be the epitome of the scorned. Things will absolutely change. It would be thought of as bitter if I'll offer the genuinity of smile or the wave of my hand, wink of my eye even that is why I shall stick to the safest way to face the dilemma: blankness. It'll become a stranger's greeting to another stranger, in the most normal way possible. It is valid, anyway. It is of no excuse.

I am learning to walk again, day by day. I am constantly freeing myself from the crutches. I believe with how I am dealing with this, moving on will be easier. It will be easier because I threw the excess baggage I held on to for a year. My ship shall now remain afloat amidst the storms.

~*~

To the people who had helped me save myself from the ashes of self-incrimination, I thank thee for the valuable times. In alcohol or in normalcy, thank you.

Thank you Ayeen for sharing the culture with me. Thank you for showing me the exact life I am more adaptable to.

Thank you God for the miracles that unfolded. I am stronger because of You. All along I had doubted why you allowed me to play this part in the seemingly destructible play of love. Now I know the meaning to hurt and the meaning of regret. I am wiser now, I have realized the importance of discernment. I shall be forever in Your name.

Thanks to you, if you will ever come across this entry, which I think you won't actually. It ended rather nice. Now it's really all in memory. I wish you all the good times.

And the cycle goes on...

2006-01-14T00:02:00.000+08:00

7 times this week and I let it pass.

I need lessons on how to shut down pride momentarily that this stupidity will finally see an end.

I hate to be part of an unending cycle of silence.

And I don't want to begin another cycle of hurt.

The cliche feeling I abhor...

2006-01-09T23:55:00.000+08:00

It's late, my head aches like hell but I felt the need to update. I am due to wake up at 3:30 am to wake other people up and i'm still up since I had to clean up my room which i failed to clean up during the lazy Christmas vacation. What the hell.

My kikay kit is back with me. I made such a stupid drama last post and I'm not sure if I was sensible when I wrote that or if I simply needed frequent trips to the psych for ruling out of multiple personalities.

~*~

I went bloghopping for a while and I came across Nash's latest entry, which reminded me of the same stinking feeling when I see him pass me by.

I really want to find out when and where I felt that my sanity was crashing down, when and where I felt that his eyes were alarm zone because I'm afraid he'd know what I feel if our irises meet.

I want to confront the big WHY, the big question mark that will make me succumb to acceptance. I want the WHY to remain because I can't accept I got trapped in a warp I do not like, chained to a feeling for a person who isn't even near to prince charming.

Yes, the perfectionist in me strikes again and no one can blame me if I can't help but scrutinize why he isn't someone ideal. Each has the yearning for the ideal and it's hypocrisy to say one has not become prejudiced for even once during his lifetime when it comes to this matters.

Blah, I'm not sure when this thing will end. All I know is that once cowardice gets by the third attempt, I'm gonna lose my head thinking of endless "what if's."

I hate the feeling. I just want it to end. I want Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to become reality that I can manipulate my memory and create everything anew.

I'm still broken and I'm still hiding in lies.

I'm still not me.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Lost Kikay Kit

2006-01-07T20:12:00.000+08:00

When Mae, lost her kikay kit, I really didn't feel her anguish at its loss, probably because it never, in the first place, happened to me.

But now that I lost mine, i felt as if I have lost my best friend.

I woke up this morning, happy as I would flaunt my new look; it's the school's wash day and I can give the stinkin' uniform a rest. For today I wore the pumps I bought last Christmas; my clothes can never define my music anyway. Hell, I care if people think I'm a poser when I'm not.

I got compliments of course and I felt pretty today. I convinced myself I really am not unfortunate looking. To hell with those conceptions about beauty; I may not be as ravishing as other people but I have my shining moments. :D

And so back to the kikay kit. The kikat kit, as I have learned, is indeed a girl's best friend. Within my purple kit, I've got all the essentials to make myself up; I feel bare without a powder and gloss on. People, especially the male population (as evidenced by my brother's thinking that I looked silly being depressed over a kit of vanity and nothing but vanity), may find it stupid how some girls consider their kits as a treasure trove and a necessity and to hell with those who do think it's not an object of great importance!

The kikay kit is the symbol of femininity; it shows how girls can kick ass. Guys, like my silly brother, can't seem to understand why we need to be made up all the time because they don't get to play fish...they do the fishing. And who would want a fish that isn't fresh? (dang i hate the analogy)

Point is, we girls, may not know it but Mr. right may be lurking in the corner. It'd be drastic to look stressed and in Filipino losyang at sabog!

The kit is also my investment. For my profession, it is a must to be made up in front of the patients. The loss of my kit equates to the loss of money spent on products that may vanish from the counters next season. Take my NYC Plum Rhum lippie, for example...it's just so hard to find the perfect lippie and then it'll just go poof because of negligence.

Argh.

And my Mac Jelly Bean! Auntie Letty gave that to me for Christmas and I get a lot of compliments when I use that and... and... argh.

My kikay kit is one of the most special things I own. It witnessed my transformation from a negligent simpleton who never bothers how she looks to someone who values now what people perceive of her. I won't be hypocritical for I'm sure a lot value other people's perception. If other's comments were not valuable, cosmetic surgery would not have prospered in this day and age.

My kit also witnessed my anguish. For what, I hate to speak of. Bottomline is, the kit became my consolation when I felt unloved; it gave me the conviction and the face of hope...it's not my loss but his.

I actually cannot sum up the sentimental value of that kit to me. I lost my purple dragonfly earrings---the gift by my cousin who I seldom talk to nowadays 'cept when we visit them during special occasions---, I lost my eyeliner---the one that hid my eyes after good doses of crying sessions---, I lost my glosses---the things that lifted up my self esteem when I needed to free myself of the building anxiety---... I've lost a part of myself.

It wasn't really the issue of vanity; it was the issue of value. The things I had lost can actually be replaced but the memories that went along with it were irreplaceable. It is easy to register a memory in long term but once the reminders are not present, one can only have less chances of going back and relishing it.

Tomorrow, I shall have another batch of stuff to fill my new kikay kit. A new one, a fresh start, another bag to build up memories. Just like my life, I think God's purpose was to show me what really matters, things I really need, stuff I need to remember to affirm the genuinity of the life He gave.

I know I must be like the lilies of the field of Solomon--not wary of what they look like but...I'm still a girl. I'd like to affirm myself once in a while...with a reminder never to overdo.

For now I'm bothered by what I'd purchase the next day. Silly, yes but still I am puzzled: peach or brown? Shimmery or Normal?

The list goes ever on.

Room for Pessimism

2006-01-01T14:29:00.000+08:00

When I was a kid, Christmases and New Years were always an occasion of joy. There were family gatherings, pyrotechnics displays, bright lights; the two were events worth wasting sleep over.

But now that I'm all grown up, I think I have joined those adults who see a hat instead of an elephant, as written in Exupery's The Little Prince. Maybe I have adapted the fast paced complexities of today's adults and forgot what it was to be carefree; things now to me must be in order, time must be well managed, spent and scheduled and data must be presented with corresponding evidences to prove true.

~*~

Last night, as I came home from a mass that was awfully scheduled (which occurred at roughly 8 instead of the traditional 10 wherein a lot of people, my family included, failed to attend on time), I was excited to put on my mask and go out to watch the fireworks blaze across the sky. I impatiently waited for the series of crackles and upon start of the display, a wide smile spread across my face, feeling like a kid easily entertained by the wide array of colors.

I watched the crackers pirouette and crash against the sky, the families all gathered out in a festive mood. Yet something was terribly wrong with the picture and I wasn't sure if it was pessimism once more or the truth that hid itself beneath the explosion of colors.

~*~

Filipinos are generally known as a happy people and this year's celebration of the New Year is proof enough of the masks a lot wear. Actually, it's not only this year but the past years as well; the leak in the dam was just too evident this year to miss.

A few minutes into the festivities, I went back in with a sinking feeling of remorse. A friend said, when a sudden sadness occupies a female, the phenomenon was hormonal; yep, it was probably hormonal but the stupid feeling ensued until this morning.

After everything, what is next? Will there be a change in the state of lives of most Filipinos? After the fireworks and the smiles, will there even be a difference? Will there be more goodluck? Will money enter and bad luck go away, after everything?

Will I really have a good new year when just this morning I feel bitched by my own bloodline (yeah...what a great year I'd have, I can't wait to move out in a few years)? Will I regain back scarred acquaintances, as promised (four days more to go until my heart goes back to square one of crashing and burning)? Will I have a good deal of luck instead of miserable failures?

Will I continue this pessimism until January 1, 2007?

~*~

Really, I don't know what this post is all about. My emotions to date are all mixed up: anger, hatred, remorse, disdain, hopelessness, name a negative emotion, I think I've got it.

Or maybe this is just the effect of reading Kahlil Gibran?

Whatever it is, The Ataris actually sang my heart's content too well: "Being grown up, isn't half as fun as growing up."

Please bring me back to who I ought to be.

Mark 12; Meeting God at Mercury

2005-12-29T22:12:00.000+08:00

I went to PGH today with mom to visit my uncle who had a gall bladder operation. I was actually ecstatic to enter the surgical ward to observe how the nurses work in the said hospital. Unfortunately, I was faced with an uncaring environment where nurses spend most of the time in the station than do rounds and apply the principles of care.

And who could blame them? Nurses in the country,specifically in the hospital where my school is, are only given a measly 6,000+ monthly starting pay for an 8-hour shift, holidays and sundays included (if the need arises). Imagine, if the fresh grads of my school receive such amount, how much more are given to those who work for the government?

The nurses at PGH, according to my uncle who was confined in the charity surgical ward, only do rounds when medicines would be given. Unlike in MMC, they do not do the every 4-hour vital signs, regular bed bath..etc. I have yet to see if what he claims is true but for the fact that a measly 5% (correct me if i'm wrong) of the GNP is allocated to healthcare, I guess there's a truth to it.

In fact, my professors gave us a mental picture of what to expect in government hospitals, especially in the ER. I had heard a lot of horror stories: of people sharing the same bed in San Lazaro, of doctors allowing people to die if pay was not given, of nurses being rude to low-end patients, of healthcare people giving one IV fluid bottle for 2 to share.

And it just saddens me to stay here and work at a government institution. Being nationalistic, I had these dreams of staying in the country longer than going abroad. I actually told mom I like to work at PGH-ER dept. to know more cases and widen my expertise before venturing to the US to work. But now I'm beginning to doubt my intentions of learning in PGH. I'm afraid I might get the toxicity of the existing nurses; I'd rather stick it out with MMC where care is equated to profession.

As I left my uncle and observed each patient in the ward, I thought of what I'd be in two years. For some of my colleagues, their decisions to go abroad right after grad and earn big bucks
were unanimous; Me, I'm torn between generosity to country or love of family.

~*~
Speaking of generosity, I feel good today that I was able to help a very old woman in Mercury-Edsa Taft a while ago. I was actually aching to go home already as it was late but because of some twist of fate, mom dragged me to Mercury to buy ventolin nebules for my lil bro. As we lined in the receiving area, a lady about 89-90 caught our attention. She was shabbily dressed and was counting coins and mounting them according to class. She was holding a plastic in one hand while the other hand sorted coins. I assumed she might have taken them from her savings and she was about to buy a very expensive medicine considering the heaps of 5-peso and 1-peso coins lined atop the counter's corner.

Nobody bothered her as she counted. I felt an insurmountable pity well up inside of me as I fought my tears away. I looked at mom, whispered to her my concern only to find out she felt the same way.

I had around fifty bucks in my pocket. That was all I had for the day. I didn't bring my wallet for the fear of losing it as we only rode the LRT to PGH. I even hesitated when I got it all out, thinking I might need it on the way home. Yet the urge to give was much stronger that was why though it was a little congested, I went near her and placed all I had in front of her. Mom followed suit and gave the change after purchasing the meds. Then, I received what made my supressed tears fall: a smile and a throaty thanks.

When I saw her smile and nod, it was as if I saw God in her. I was shocked by the manifestation that up to now, I'm still welling up with joy, her face leaving an imprint in memory.

Mark 12 automatically came to mind when I got home. I may not be as poor as the old widow Jesus was pertaining to but I felt good since I know I was able to please God today. That 40 bucks could have gone to my savings for another shopping spree but I'm glad it went to more important hands.

In this world, in this point of time, that old woman could have been in need of forty bucks to buy medicines. If not medicines, food for the day. I'm just glad I was able to give.

God bless to everyone.

Shoepaholic

2005-12-28T19:39:00.000+08:00

I spent the day yesterday with Catherine, my best friend in denial. Haha. Actually, to date, I'd like to remove the words "in denial," for apart from the fact we no longer communicate often, I acknowledge her as my best friend.

I actually missed her and I was glad she was still the same old friend back during high school. Only that she became one amusing shoepaholic. Heh...I'd rather call her a shoepaholic than imeldific as I despise Imelda too much. :p

And so the day wore on with her expenditures totalling a whopping 6,000+! She bought a gown and for the record---5 pairs of shoes.

Sigh.

I swear I even saw one lady in SM who had her mouth gaped open for a long time when Cathy passed by with her basketful of shoes. I mean, if I was also an onlooker, I'd also do the same!

Then again, I passed the day getting a few tips from her and I'm uber grateful she came at the time I needed a break from the monotonous activity at home that gave me much time for senti moments.

Plus, she also came at a time I was reinventing myself; that's why by next year if I favor more pumps and strappy shoes than flats and chucks, she's to blame.

Hehe.

Thanks Cathy, you just don't know how happy I was yesterday. I'm gonna miss you again.

Th next time, I'd like Charlene and L.A to be with us; observing people would be lots of sarcastic fun! >:D

It all ends in Christmas

2005-12-25T20:47:00.000+08:00

Last night, during the Christmas Midnight Mass, I heard a message from God that stabbed me right in the gut.

Fine, I am a person of great pride. Though I knew it was a capital sin for us, Catholics, I still had unconsciously let pride rule most of the decisions all throughout my life. Sometimes, the sin made things turn okay but twice it had left me heartbroken.

The first time the sin made a big impact on my life was when I let go of my best friend. He was the epitome of the perfect guy; each aspect of a partner, I found in him. But a big dilemma separated the two of us: he had a call for celibacy, something I cannot compete with. Right now, F is in the US, undergoing rehabilitative treatment for Cancer. I partly blamed myself when he was diagnosed to have such since that was the time when he was thinking of giving up the seminary. To cut it short, I left him, fearing more odd things will come his way if I continued to be by his side. 'Til this time, I still regret the day I cut his call short and told him I'm happy with the way things are when in fact I was just fighting the urge to share his cries from the other line. I thought that it was nice to leave it be; that things would be in their proper order once I leave him be. But it left me scarred for three years; I was wrong.

The second time happened recently though I would not like to tell the details in fear that others might misinterpret what I intend to say. He was simply a friend who I shared similar insights with until people gave meaning to the friendship. This caused us to drift slowly apart and act as if we didn't know each other at all. At times when I found ways to say a simple "hi," I hesitated after failed attempts to catch his attention. I never asked him why and for a year, I presumed things such as undiscussed misunderstanding and hate. I convinced myself I did not care when he passes by and people ask why we never knew each other. For a year, I thought wrongly; again, I was mistakened.

Father Paolo's words during last night's mass changed it all. "Christmas is the best time to say sorry, to eat one's pride and to approach an enemy. Peace to all people on earth, peace that must be given to people you have lost contact with..."

The whole night, I was lying in bed, bothered that I never asked and never clarified with him about the tension that occurred for one whole year. Half of my heart was filled with pride, I was scared of being rejected and finding out that I did wrong. But God was persistent and He sent another person to convince me finally.

I got a business card of his number. I didn't keep record of his number since the teasings began. His best friend kept on sending me the business card that when once I had saved it, I did a stupid thing of getting into a heated convo with his other friend. And so since then, future business cards were discarded. Though I hated the feeling of pride, I texted him a merry Christmas for old time's sake. That one text made the thorns in my chest disappear. I got a good explanation and we settled things out. It might still be half done but I am relieved the tension's gone. Next year, I'm hoping things will change. I might not be able to bring back the lost friendship but at least I gained an assurance he wasn't an enemy.

My Christmas, then, is happy. Unexplainably happy. I was bubbly and alive because finally I had peace in my heart.

All I am hoping for is that this will be for long term as if it will just be for the sake of the season, I don't think I can ever stop the tears from streaking down my face.

So to everyone, have a blessed and peaceful Christmas!!

CPM-Bed 27

2005-12-24T19:57:00.000+08:00

My first day in the ward was a blast! Because of excitement, I actually woke up at 3:30 am to prepare for the 5:30 am hospital call time. I prepared all my things and fixed myself up for the experience, praying too that the day won't turn out disastrous. Though groggy, mom brought me to school as part of our contract: no condo, no dorm... they're gonna bring me and fetch me by car.

I reached the school early, marveling at the morning rush in front of the registrar's office: the third and fourth years were pinning their caps and rushing to the CR to apply make-up as it was a protocol (since Mrs. Longanilla said that nurses must be always pretty amidst stress since we're the first people to entertain the patients). It was 6:00 when my Clinical Instructor came to fetch us and brought us to MMC's ward at the 2nd floor.

The ward experience was thrilling. I was able to see how feeding via the nasogastric tube was done as the patient was incapable of oral intake, I was able to see how a person fought for his life as the respirator beeped each time air obstruction occurred, I was able to perform capillary blood glucose testing by pricking the patients' fingers using the pricking instrument being used by medtechs to get blood, I was able to perform the bed bath, I was able to chart my findings, I was able to interact with different patients having different cases and I was able to weigh a wet adult diaper for output charting. Whew.

But what really struck me that day was the 90 year old patient I handled who had a poorly monitored Diabetes Mellitus and an Alzheimer's-Dementia for consideration. Lola S actually tested my patience and my therapeutic skills. During the first hour of our meeting, she called me a "masamang bata na papatayin siya" because I nebulized her and she thought that I was making an "orasyon" like what "albularyos" do in the provinces. She even cried to my horror and was yelling at me using her native language. It was a good thing mom was "Bisaya"; her bisaya at home helped me to understand and converse with her. I left Lola after an hour as directed by my CI, hoping she'll forget what I did since she refused to cooperate when I was offering to do the hourly vital signs. After an hour I returned to see her smiling at me, receptive to all the procedures I did that day.

My groupmates were also endeared by Lola. We made her laugh and dance during our duty hours. I even discovered that by making her talk and laugh, she was able to spit out her phlegm easily. The laughter continued the next day and she became more talkative, telling stories about Iloilo and inviting us to come with her. She had a very nice smile and her laughter nearly brought tears to my eyes. This was the beauty of my course, being able to make others smile inspite of maladies.

When I bade farewell to Lola, she simply gave me a huge smile and held my hand as probably a signal of thanks. I smiled in return, knowing that when I get back by January next year, she might not be there in bed 27. Lola may not know how grateful I am since she became God's instrument for me to understand my importance as a nurse and my vow to serve others. As I stepped out of the ward and left her chart in the file row, I felt absolutely good about myself. This is my world now and this is who I like to be.

Surrender

2005-12-18T11:04:00.000+08:00

I never really liked Nursing. In fact, of all courses, I loathed it. The modern essence and Filipino perspective of the course was obviously anti-nationalistic. Maybe, only a few took the course solely because of compassion and care but ask the upper 75% who took it and see how their eyes light up with dollars replacing the irises.

I temporarily threw away my court room dreams for nursing because of the very reason that pushed a lot of undergrads to similarly throw away their excellences---parental coercion. I followed my parents against my will, thinking too that since I was the eldest, I should take nursing that if ever worst case scenarios will occur in the future, my brothers will still be assured of a good life and a good education.

Maybe it really was that Filipino trait of close family ties that secured me from shifting courses midway because of supressed regret and depression. Each night during my freshman year and during the first semester of this year, as I sat down beside the night lamp and study medical allied courses related to nursing, I tried my best to comprehend each word for the sake of gaining academic excellence instead of learning the concepts by heart. Since I hated failure, I tried to momentarily remove my doubts and regrets; I memorized, until the wee hours of the morning sometimes, to retain my dean's list position and scholarship that would put a smile to my father's face---something I really long to see since he assumed the role after a long hiatus due to his work abroad. I was striving hard for my parents' smiles and proud faces because that was what made me happy. In short, I was a parent pleaser; I love my parents too much I had to work hard to make them proud of me.

There were times before that when Khacey, Gellie and I were planning to change courses and if not, change schools. We hated the system at my present school. We found the academic curriculum inappropriate, we criticized the long list of dean's listers, we compared the strict standards of UST and UP Manila and we hated the fact that we were not on top of the top10 nursing schools in the country due to a low percentage of board passers. Each day, as my health wasted, my dreams were starting to wave goodbye. I had night dreams of dressing in a corporate attire with stacks of paperworks to be done and cases to resolve. I was often in a trance that instead of wearing a cap and taking vital signs, I was talking to the jury, noting the changes in my voice as the proceedings got hotter.

Because I was not satisfied with my life, I tried out before enrolling for 2nd year in UERM. I was craving for the university life, the diverse array of people swarming large and longer corridors, the vast amount of books in the library, the booming spirit of the academe like that of La Salle and Ateneo during the UAAP, the many different cultural influences, the big time foundations that may send students in campus abroad for international internships and international scholarship education free of charge and many others related to prestige and power. Since I was a kid, I marveled at the high standard education that Harvard, Yale and Georgetown may give if ever I was to continue for Law and if I was to continue to medicine, I had my child eyes directed to John Hopkins.

My UERM application, though was given special treatment, I didn't continue because I will be late for the enrollment in my current university if ever I was to await for the results of my application. I opted not to put my education to jeopardy that was why I forgot ever applying to UERM. And so I continued another semester at my current college despite the hurt feeling and the longing for a UP or Ateneo education.

In between fights with my mom I would always interject my dismay at my course, I blame her for coercing me to something I didn't like, for almost ruining my life because I was steps away from my law dreams. At those times when I would break down after, I ask God the neverending "why?" and fall into another slumber with tears of regret falling from my eyes. The next morning, the vicious cycle continues: I wake up to another early morning to go to school to learn another round of concepts that left my brain at the speed of light.

Then the answer to my questions came all of a sudden. I was confused. I was asking God why I had to take nursing when I can be of service more if I get a course that I liked and at the same time had no heavy workload that would require me to stay up late for duty and case studies each week. It happened one night this sem in the library. I was in the middle of my pain due to the demotion in the dean's list from top 6 to top 18. I lost my scholarship by a 0.01 and I was the object of fleeting gossips. I was looking into the new books section when I found a book on forensic nursing. I grabbed the book and when the words law and nursing found me, I got thrilled. My dream was possible in my current course! I badly wanted to read the book and searched my bag for my library card. When I found out that I left it, it was as if God had made it all happen when I saw Nice beside me and asked me if she could borrow the book for reading. I embraced her and pleaded her to borrow the book for me and I'd return it to her that she can borrow it the next time. Upon her agreement, I jumped at elation, not minding the chaos I was causing in the lib. I dashed for the door and went straight at home and read the book, thanking God I had time since no quiz would happen the next day.

Yet I still felt a little bit hollow; regret was so strong I still had that empty space. But God was too nice he made me realize that I had my best foot forward in nursing all along when duty started. I made good impressions from my superiors for a good case history and was even the mentor for some groups for making the health care plan just by reading Maglaya and writing instincts. Before my group's ward class, I was not sure if I made the right format because the Clinical Instructors left us on our own; they didn't teach us how to make the case history. I was elated when it turned out right and even more elated when we were analyzing the patient's case. I even became too overboard that according to a CI, I was too excited to touch Pathophysio and Microbio when I must not even go deeper into the case. Third year can wait, she said. And because she saw that enthusiasm, I was tasked to do a special report on the respiratory system which turned out impressive.

Maybe this is now surrender. I have held on the white flag for so long yet I never dared to raise it. I raise it now, with conviction. I now love nursing though I had much sleepless nights because of paperworks and duty alongside the other responsibilities in the home, the remaining academic subjects and the church. I now love nursing though my health is taking toll on me; I know God won't allow my life to fall into pieces and my mitral valve prolapse to worsen and my other system deficiencies to get the best of me. I now love nursing; it gave me a good grasp of life and a better understanding of the workings of society. Nursing gave me more inspiration to serve others and serve God; it opened me to reality...to everyday hunger and poverty occuring in areas I never imagined existed. I saw the contrast of rich and poor, of deprivation and abundance in a newer light that would probably leave an indelible imprint 'til the end of my days.

For all these, I thank you God. Maybe, I would not be the person I am right now had you allowed your hand to lead me to Ateneo that fateful September 17, 2003 when I prayed to you to do everything to lead me towards what you want though the consequence is great pain. You allowed me not to take Ateneo when traffic forbade me to enter its gates and made me late. You made mom make a detour from Cubao to Ayala when I thought I'd take UP Manila after securing a slot for enrollment prior my enrollment in my current school. And thank you for making me strong willed to resist the urge to stop and not see what lay ahead of me.

All these, God, all these are for you.

The Wrong Impression

2005-11-30T14:11:00.000+08:00

First days of school irk me for the very fact that no matter how I turn the table, I always end up with the wrong side. I'm not sure if it's because of the impenetrable silence I indulge myself in while I observe new colleagues or because of my haphazard brows that usually send people wrong signals about why they arc that way but for some absurd reason, I always become that antagonistic bruhaha that stabs people when their backs are turned.

In the middle of the year, however, when my insanity gets the best of me, and when my records in the National Center for Mental Health begin to scatter, they honestly tell me, during open-up sessions, that they had the wrong impression about me after all. Almost everyone---no, everyone---confessed this year, just like those old years of adjustment, that I my name made them brew a snob-nerd-overly intellectual me in mind (which was funny, considering that I really don't know WHY the heck they think of me that way) before. But after actually dismissing superficiality, I'm not the person they loved to hate.

My RLE(or in layman's term..."duty") group were some of those who had the guts to tell me of the past perception and the now perception of me. All I did was laugh at how wierd I was to them before, momentarily setting aside that big, nagging "WHY?" It was only until now that I had the chance to ponder on the impression, considering I had been much of a couch potato these past "no class" days.

Maybe, just like what Mae said, I had strong, "mataray" features that repels a lot of people. Add to that obscurity are my brows that had probably loved to grow upwards than down. Of course, to validate the finding, I spent lots of time in the mirror, criticizing each zit I'd like to zap away and silently cursing my gene pool for giving me a Filipino nose, opposing my mom's Spanish, and my brows that are a carbon copy of my dad's. To my dismay, I end up hating me that knowing me.

The question remained until one time when Sarah talked to me in the library and told me how amazing I was to have talents that are subjects of envy. She affirmed me too much I had forgotten of the self-hate altogether. As the conversation burned on, part of me analyzed "me."

Hell, yeah, I was one blessed girl. I had affinities for art, music, literature, sciences, math... too much that I feel like an overflowing cup of mushroom soup.

Honestly, until now, I still can't fully conclude why people get the wrong impression. I still have much to learn about myself---what I need to improve, what I need to change, what I need to enhance. The road goes ever on yet there's this one fact, though some may dismiss as theoretical that makes me feel good about myself sans the negative looks from others and the standards of beauty people set against me: I am special, one heck of a girl, one loud child of God.

Not even Belo or Calayan, with their surgical skills that can transform a duck, can change that.