Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Saved.
For the past two weeks, I had been weak. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually.
I was scared. I knew I did not do anything wrong. I did my best. I slaved over the group paper and did not complain about it. I knew in my heart I had lead my group to the best of my abilities. I became patient with my CI in spite of the verbal abuse she gave my groupmates. I tried to optimistically see the niceness in her. I thought I'd leave the area unscathed. I was even happy my lecture grades are all line of 9's, if not 100. I was okay until the last 30 minutes of the last day for that rotation came.
All my hardwork failed for a good thirty minutes. I felt depressed...hopeless. I was verbally abused by my CI. Words she had said made the situation even depressing. "Wala kang kwenta. Hindi ka magaling na leader. Puro ka excuses. Sinabi ko na sa lahat ng CI ang ginawa mo. Kala mo makakatungtong ka ng 2nd sem?" Though I turned to God for strength, my emotions were killing me slowly inside. I was being eaten up by the idea that I might fail that rotation...that all my hardwork for this term will go to waste. In short, though I did hold on to God, I didn't trust fully...I had a good dose of doubt.
Why wouldn't I be scared? Why would I not be confused? I did my best. I sacrificed my sleeping hours, my sanity. I knew I had a fault with the attendance but given the opportunity to handle it from day 1, it couldn't have slipped my mind.
To make the long story short, I was in the midst of oppression. I knew Satan was behind all the feelings of weakness. And weakness wasn't what I really needed for the the past two weeks since I had to head 2 major YFC events. I had to be strong but I was falling apart in truth. I kept the feeling hidden, showing to all I was strong. I was fronting to them someone who they see smiling all the time. But I really wasn't happy. It was all but a facade.
I even told someone once that I felt so hopeless for pretending that everything is okay with me. I smiled before a lot of people but when I got home I cried for hours. I cried because I was worried. Should I keep up the fight knowing I honestly did nothing wrong about submitting my case? Or should I just keep quiet, accept my fate and wait for the grades to be released?
Then the sector conference came. In spite of being happy in one part of my life, I was a mess. True, the sadness was being compensated by elation at one aspect but that wasn't enough to save me.
I went to the conference with a heavy heart, with feelings suppressed deep within. I served in the conference, trying to forget I had to face something to free me completely. Which was so wrong.
Then talk 2 came. Then the final worship.
At first, I was ashamed to cry it all out but the last parts of talk 2 broke my walls. I immediately went to my mom, asked loads of tissue paper and cried in my seat. When asked to stand up for God's love, i felt so weak I had no strength to stand. Like an angel in disguise, a couple coordinator who I did now know embraced me and whispered words of comfort. Though hesitant I stood up when the final worship commenced.
I cried..talked to God... complained... surrendered... trusted... loved. It was amazing...the turnout of events. The song line-up for the final worship all clearly spoke what God wanted me to understand...
That I needed to trust, be still, know He is God.
That He knows what I did. That He will not forsake me because He loves me.
That I was saved by the cross and I need not to chain myself to the problem.
That salvation was there...I was just so focused in my weaknesses that I failed to see that God was with me and that I was being set free.
That I need not worry because though my efforts seemed to have been in vain, God knows I did give my all.
That before loving others I should love myself and learn that no matter how huge a boulder may knock me down, God is there to catch my fall and heal me.
That God is my saving grace and slowly, I was deeply falling in love for Him.
That all along satan was trying to keep me away from loving my God and for a few days I made him rejoice at my weakness.
That I must be strong because I know God loves me unconditionally and without bounds.
God spoke clearly... "I am God, Lesley... I am God."
I was so touched I cried again when I went home. No longer tears of sadness but of joy.
To top it off, God blessed my cluster with all four awards in the competition. Gag got the 1st place. My singout group and partner's dance group got 2nd. The band got 3rd.
What was so amazing was that our singout was accomplished only in one night! In ONE freaking night! After all 4 coaches backed out, we felt our hopes crumble. We thought of giving up but towards the end of the night, we all helped each other. Though I had no background in chorale training, I prayed to God to grant me the strength to train. I did it! All because of God! And we won 2nd! Yay!
What floored me more was the overwhelming comments I received about my cluster. I am just so proud. I love them to death! Not because we got a place in everything but because I felt sooooo loved by my cluster. We painted the town red by all wearing the same color. Haha...grabe standout! I was even so proud that they all made banners and each competition was well supported. Haha...to the point that they were all rowdy as they cheered. Wow God You're the best.
And so, by now, I am saved! I may experience more emotional stress in the days to come but I have now a life grounded in God's love...a life grounded in deep faith... a life for Him alone.
Truly, God is blessing me. I believe that my trials are now actually blessings. All the more satan is trying to put me down...all the more I fight and cling on to my God. Satan will never take me back to him again...never. Never ever.
SAVING GRACE
Hillsong
Night and day I seek Your face
Long for You in the secret place
All I want in this life
Is to truly know you more...
Verse 2
As the waters cover the sea,
So Your love covers me
Guiding me on,
Roads unkown
I trust in You alone (2x)
CHORUS
My Saving Grace
My endless love
Deeper and deeper I'm falling in love with You
My one desire
My only truth
Deeper and deeper I'm falling in love with you
Verse 2
CHORUS
with you..
fallin' in love with you...
ohhhhh...
BRIDGE
And I will rise on wings of eagles
Soaring high above all my fears
I rest in Your open arms of love
CHORUS (2x)
As the waters cover the sea
So your love covers me....
covers me...
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I am now confused. More than ever. I know I should not compare. I'm scared. I hate being left alone after everything has been said and done. I am afraid of once again losing my sanity. Yes, it is risky...I am willing to take the risk again. But. I still. am. scared. of. the. situation's clarity. However, I'll see what happens next. Too early to tell. For now, what's true is I'm happy. Feeling happy is enough for now.
1:29 AM
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I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
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