Friday, June 02, 2006
Just.plain.happy.
I cannot begin where my elation starts and how immense the feeling is. A lot has happened since the day of my last post and I do not know where to begin with. I have a lot of things to say, so many instances that I'd like to tell; so many realized dreams to share, so little space.
But I'd begin with proclaiming to the whole world that I have just gone out from being submerged in River Jordan for so long. I have a lot of past claims of being renewed but what happened this summer just may be the renewal of all renewals.
I finally took a step higher in leadership; I am currently YFC Sb2's cluster head. Initially, I declined the invitation to lead. I thought of third year and the cases that will make me crazier than ever; I thought of the difficulty in leading a young flock, I just might not make my cluster as vibrant as before; I thought of what my grades will be, what my schedule will be, how erratic my heartbeat will go because of an additional stress.
I thought of stepping up as a dagger to the heart. In short, I was highly doubtful.
Yet no matter how I tried to evade God's call, He pulled me in once again. In the end, I accepted the road to insanity.
I joined SHOUT, a 7-day in-house training for cluster leaders of the sector. Inspite of my busy schedule, I was able to fit it in. In the morning, I went to school and at night I come home to shout.
That week proved to be the most challenging week in my life. I cried almost everyday because I felt different: I was not achieving the same things I was achieving before. It seemed that right after I accepted His call, things just turned out for the worst especially in my studies.
Before summer, I vowed to myself I will regain the spot I had before; I was 4th over-all until I slid down to 18th. Since part of my ILC experience was the promise to be active in my service to God, I knew I had to read ahead to compensate for the meetings during the summer. I studied ahead and my first week was a testament to my hardwork. I aced all quizzes and I was performing excellently until I finally said "yes" to God.
After that, everything spiralled down. I was attending too many meetings, I was getting to stressed, I was getting low grades compared to my first week of performance. If my teachers would make a graph of my work, it would be a regressing line graph.
I called out to God for help and messages about trust and faith came in during my whole week at shout. I was still unsure before the Lord's day but I had an inkling of what he really wanted me to do. It was actually a leap of faith: God was asking me to give my all. Part of that all was the thing I held on to dearly, the driving force that controlled my award-centered life: ambition.
When I was a kid, I had huge dreams. I dreamt of owning a big company and perhaps become an accountant since I was so good at math. Then again, I loved science too, prompting me to consider medicine. I also dreamt of being a lawyer after seeing how a glamorous job it was. Towards the end of my high school, dreams of having the "attorney" title stuck to my name overpowered my being. I was to make my destiny.
Little did I knew God had another plan.
My ambition partly crumbled when I took up nursing. I hated it for the fact nursing wasn't glamorous at all. I will have no title before my name and all I will be recognized for are the dollars I will make.
I got a little ambitious again when I read a book about forensic nursing. It was a cool job, I thought since I found examining crime scenes cool. I also had another plan in mind: I would be a clinical instructor; that way I can avoid bedside care and simply earn money by yakking what I know about the subject. I also thought that to prepare for that I will try my best to enter John Hopkins in the hopes of adding that to my life's gratification list.
I had lots of dreams...lots of ambitions and towards the end of shout, He was making me give it up.
In the end, however, I gave the last thing I was holding on to to God. The process of conditioning myself that grades were no longer that important to me was a struggle. I had to condition myself to think positive and think that I was so blessed I was still in the dean's list inspite of my constant absence at home to acquaint myself with the fast-paced lessons.
Then youth camp came. I thought having shout ended the doubts and fears. I didn't realize the rough road started actually from the day I gave my all.
Spiritual warfares surrounded the whole camp. Things were turning out wrong especially after the miraculous tongues workshop. During what was supposed to be the most solemn and important event of the camp turned out a nightmare for me. After the tongues, after I collapsed in the middle of the workshop for some odd reason that made me all weak, I was waging a battle within. Doubts overflowed as I felt numb and helpless. I knew the Spirit worked in me since He whispered that I must simply rest in God and lay down my weaknesses but the forces of evil was too strong I was reduced to tears, asking God to help me...to save me from condemning myself.
I had an appointment with God alone in the chapel during the 2nd night. While everybody was enjoying in the hall, I went to meet God alone. I braved the dark, shrugging off the familiar bad feeling that occurs when something lurks around. I talked to God, laid down my doubts and weaknesses, humbled myself before my God who strengthened me. My prayers seemed unanswered that night especially during worship. I never realized God was simply preparing us for a feast the next day.
The next day, I realized everything. The camp was a lot like the passion, death and resurrection of Christ. The first two days were full of agony but the last day was triumphant. What struck me during the last day was the sight of potential leaders for God. I thought, so this was the reason why Satan bugged us to doubt and fear: he was too chicken he made us believe the new members cannot be conquered. Too bad he overlooked how immense God's power was.
And so as I type this entry, I am too elated, I am too blessed. Tomorrow, my cluster will have an outing to enjoy each other's company. There are still existing problems but I know nothing will harm us because we are all saved after all. And I need not worry because I have great friends who are so good in leading I am assured all is well. When I thought I was raging the battle for God alone, I realized I wasn't. He actually gave me a team that was so dependable that I knew all I need to do was to guide them.
I am just so thankful to God all is well in my life right now. There are stil dents for I know the road to serving God will be like carrying a cross to calvary. I am just so happy God never left my side. I found a new family in my cluster and another great family in the sector.
Now, I knew I had to trust my life to God for good. There are no more long-term dreams that will benefit my ego now. One dream will, however, remain: that I will eventually see His face for nothing else matters to me now but my God and his flock.
11:51 PM
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I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
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