Sunday, January 01, 2006
Room for Pessimism
When I was a kid, Christmases and New Years were always an occasion of joy. There were family gatherings, pyrotechnics displays, bright lights; the two were events worth wasting sleep over.
But now that I'm all grown up, I think I have joined those adults who see a hat instead of an elephant, as written in Exupery's The Little Prince. Maybe I have adapted the fast paced complexities of today's adults and forgot what it was to be carefree; things now to me must be in order, time must be well managed, spent and scheduled and data must be presented with corresponding evidences to prove true.
~*~
Last night, as I came home from a mass that was awfully scheduled (which occurred at roughly 8 instead of the traditional 10 wherein a lot of people, my family included, failed to attend on time), I was excited to put on my mask and go out to watch the fireworks blaze across the sky. I impatiently waited for the series of crackles and upon start of the display, a wide smile spread across my face, feeling like a kid easily entertained by the wide array of colors.
I watched the crackers pirouette and crash against the sky, the families all gathered out in a festive mood. Yet something was terribly wrong with the picture and I wasn't sure if it was pessimism once more or the truth that hid itself beneath the explosion of colors.
~*~
Filipinos are generally known as a happy people and this year's celebration of the New Year is proof enough of the masks a lot wear. Actually, it's not only this year but the past years as well; the leak in the dam was just too evident this year to miss.
A few minutes into the festivities, I went back in with a sinking feeling of remorse. A friend said, when a sudden sadness occupies a female, the phenomenon was hormonal; yep, it was probably hormonal but the stupid feeling ensued until this morning.
After everything, what is next? Will there be a change in the state of lives of most Filipinos? After the fireworks and the smiles, will there even be a difference? Will there be more goodluck? Will money enter and bad luck go away, after everything?
Will I really have a good new year when just this morning I feel bitched by my own bloodline (yeah...what a great year I'd have, I can't wait to move out in a few years)? Will I regain back scarred acquaintances, as promised (four days more to go until my heart goes back to square one of crashing and burning)? Will I have a good deal of luck instead of miserable failures?
Will I continue this pessimism until January 1, 2007?
~*~
Really, I don't know what this post is all about. My emotions to date are all mixed up: anger, hatred, remorse, disdain, hopelessness, name a negative emotion, I think I've got it.
Or maybe this is just the effect of reading Kahlil Gibran?
Whatever it is, The Ataris actually sang my heart's content too well: "Being grown up, isn't half as fun as growing up."
Please bring me back to who I ought to be.
2:29 PM
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I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
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