Sunday, December 18, 2005
Surrender
I never really liked Nursing. In fact, of all courses, I loathed it. The modern essence and Filipino perspective of the course was obviously anti-nationalistic. Maybe, only a few took the course solely because of compassion and care but ask the upper 75% who took it and see how their eyes light up with dollars replacing the irises.
I temporarily threw away my court room dreams for nursing because of the very reason that pushed a lot of undergrads to similarly throw away their excellences---parental coercion. I followed my parents against my will, thinking too that since I was the eldest, I should take nursing that if ever worst case scenarios will occur in the future, my brothers will still be assured of a good life and a good education.
Maybe it really was that Filipino trait of close family ties that secured me from shifting courses midway because of supressed regret and depression. Each night during my freshman year and during the first semester of this year, as I sat down beside the night lamp and study medical allied courses related to nursing, I tried my best to comprehend each word for the sake of gaining academic excellence instead of learning the concepts by heart. Since I hated failure, I tried to momentarily remove my doubts and regrets; I memorized, until the wee hours of the morning sometimes, to retain my dean's list position and scholarship that would put a smile to my father's face---something I really long to see since he assumed the role after a long hiatus due to his work abroad. I was striving hard for my parents' smiles and proud faces because that was what made me happy. In short, I was a parent pleaser; I love my parents too much I had to work hard to make them proud of me.
There were times before that when Khacey, Gellie and I were planning to change courses and if not, change schools. We hated the system at my present school. We found the academic curriculum inappropriate, we criticized the long list of dean's listers, we compared the strict standards of UST and UP Manila and we hated the fact that we were not on top of the top10 nursing schools in the country due to a low percentage of board passers. Each day, as my health wasted, my dreams were starting to wave goodbye. I had night dreams of dressing in a corporate attire with stacks of paperworks to be done and cases to resolve. I was often in a trance that instead of wearing a cap and taking vital signs, I was talking to the jury, noting the changes in my voice as the proceedings got hotter.
Because I was not satisfied with my life, I tried out before enrolling for 2nd year in UERM. I was craving for the university life, the diverse array of people swarming large and longer corridors, the vast amount of books in the library, the booming spirit of the academe like that of La Salle and Ateneo during the UAAP, the many different cultural influences, the big time foundations that may send students in campus abroad for international internships and international scholarship education free of charge and many others related to prestige and power. Since I was a kid, I marveled at the high standard education that Harvard, Yale and Georgetown may give if ever I was to continue for Law and if I was to continue to medicine, I had my child eyes directed to John Hopkins.
My UERM application, though was given special treatment, I didn't continue because I will be late for the enrollment in my current university if ever I was to await for the results of my application. I opted not to put my education to jeopardy that was why I forgot ever applying to UERM. And so I continued another semester at my current college despite the hurt feeling and the longing for a UP or Ateneo education.
In between fights with my mom I would always interject my dismay at my course, I blame her for coercing me to something I didn't like, for almost ruining my life because I was steps away from my law dreams. At those times when I would break down after, I ask God the neverending "why?" and fall into another slumber with tears of regret falling from my eyes. The next morning, the vicious cycle continues: I wake up to another early morning to go to school to learn another round of concepts that left my brain at the speed of light.
Then the answer to my questions came all of a sudden. I was confused. I was asking God why I had to take nursing when I can be of service more if I get a course that I liked and at the same time had no heavy workload that would require me to stay up late for duty and case studies each week. It happened one night this sem in the library. I was in the middle of my pain due to the demotion in the dean's list from top 6 to top 18. I lost my scholarship by a 0.01 and I was the object of fleeting gossips. I was looking into the new books section when I found a book on forensic nursing. I grabbed the book and when the words law and nursing found me, I got thrilled. My dream was possible in my current course! I badly wanted to read the book and searched my bag for my library card. When I found out that I left it, it was as if God had made it all happen when I saw Nice beside me and asked me if she could borrow the book for reading. I embraced her and pleaded her to borrow the book for me and I'd return it to her that she can borrow it the next time. Upon her agreement, I jumped at elation, not minding the chaos I was causing in the lib. I dashed for the door and went straight at home and read the book, thanking God I had time since no quiz would happen the next day.
Yet I still felt a little bit hollow; regret was so strong I still had that empty space. But God was too nice he made me realize that I had my best foot forward in nursing all along when duty started. I made good impressions from my superiors for a good case history and was even the mentor for some groups for making the health care plan just by reading Maglaya and writing instincts. Before my group's ward class, I was not sure if I made the right format because the Clinical Instructors left us on our own; they didn't teach us how to make the case history. I was elated when it turned out right and even more elated when we were analyzing the patient's case. I even became too overboard that according to a CI, I was too excited to touch Pathophysio and Microbio when I must not even go deeper into the case. Third year can wait, she said. And because she saw that enthusiasm, I was tasked to do a special report on the respiratory system which turned out impressive.
Maybe this is now surrender. I have held on the white flag for so long yet I never dared to raise it. I raise it now, with conviction. I now love nursing though I had much sleepless nights because of paperworks and duty alongside the other responsibilities in the home, the remaining academic subjects and the church. I now love nursing though my health is taking toll on me; I know God won't allow my life to fall into pieces and my mitral valve prolapse to worsen and my other system deficiencies to get the best of me. I now love nursing; it gave me a good grasp of life and a better understanding of the workings of society. Nursing gave me more inspiration to serve others and serve God; it opened me to reality...to everyday hunger and poverty occuring in areas I never imagined existed. I saw the contrast of rich and poor, of deprivation and abundance in a newer light that would probably leave an indelible imprint 'til the end of my days.
For all these, I thank you God. Maybe, I would not be the person I am right now had you allowed your hand to lead me to Ateneo that fateful September 17, 2003 when I prayed to you to do everything to lead me towards what you want though the consequence is great pain. You allowed me not to take Ateneo when traffic forbade me to enter its gates and made me late. You made mom make a detour from Cubao to Ayala when I thought I'd take UP Manila after securing a slot for enrollment prior my enrollment in my current school. And thank you for making me strong willed to resist the urge to stop and not see what lay ahead of me.
All these, God, all these are for you.
11:04 AM
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I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
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