Sunday, December 25, 2005
It all ends in Christmas
Last night, during the Christmas Midnight Mass, I heard a message from God that stabbed me right in the gut.
Fine, I am a person of great pride. Though I knew it was a capital sin for us, Catholics, I still had unconsciously let pride rule most of the decisions all throughout my life. Sometimes, the sin made things turn okay but twice it had left me heartbroken.
The first time the sin made a big impact on my life was when I let go of my best friend. He was the epitome of the perfect guy; each aspect of a partner, I found in him. But a big dilemma separated the two of us: he had a call for celibacy, something I cannot compete with. Right now, F is in the US, undergoing rehabilitative treatment for Cancer. I partly blamed myself when he was diagnosed to have such since that was the time when he was thinking of giving up the seminary. To cut it short, I left him, fearing more odd things will come his way if I continued to be by his side. 'Til this time, I still regret the day I cut his call short and told him I'm happy with the way things are when in fact I was just fighting the urge to share his cries from the other line. I thought that it was nice to leave it be; that things would be in their proper order once I leave him be. But it left me scarred for three years; I was wrong.
The second time happened recently though I would not like to tell the details in fear that others might misinterpret what I intend to say. He was simply a friend who I shared similar insights with until people gave meaning to the friendship. This caused us to drift slowly apart and act as if we didn't know each other at all. At times when I found ways to say a simple "hi," I hesitated after failed attempts to catch his attention. I never asked him why and for a year, I presumed things such as undiscussed misunderstanding and hate. I convinced myself I did not care when he passes by and people ask why we never knew each other. For a year, I thought wrongly; again, I was mistakened.
Father Paolo's words during last night's mass changed it all. "Christmas is the best time to say sorry, to eat one's pride and to approach an enemy. Peace to all people on earth, peace that must be given to people you have lost contact with..."
The whole night, I was lying in bed, bothered that I never asked and never clarified with him about the tension that occurred for one whole year. Half of my heart was filled with pride, I was scared of being rejected and finding out that I did wrong. But God was persistent and He sent another person to convince me finally.
I got a business card of his number. I didn't keep record of his number since the teasings began. His best friend kept on sending me the business card that when once I had saved it, I did a stupid thing of getting into a heated convo with his other friend. And so since then, future business cards were discarded. Though I hated the feeling of pride, I texted him a merry Christmas for old time's sake. That one text made the thorns in my chest disappear. I got a good explanation and we settled things out. It might still be half done but I am relieved the tension's gone. Next year, I'm hoping things will change. I might not be able to bring back the lost friendship but at least I gained an assurance he wasn't an enemy.
My Christmas, then, is happy. Unexplainably happy. I was bubbly and alive because finally I had peace in my heart.
All I am hoping for is that this will be for long term as if it will just be for the sake of the season, I don't think I can ever stop the tears from streaking down my face.
So to everyone, have a blessed and peaceful Christmas!!
8:47 PM
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I don't care what the world
throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright.
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